Soon

I am afraid for the coming weeks. I have to be prepared. I dont know if my students see, but... I am afraid.

Last Friday, when classes were suspended, I invited some of my 28.1 students to play frisbee with me. It was still early, so I thought that they might want to spend their free time with me. Nica and Mae came. I was glad they did.

They came. I somehow expected them to come. But what about the others? They would rather study perhaps. Or sleep. Or spend their time doing something else profitable for themselves. I know they have their reasons, and that I had no reason to be hurt. But I was. It was like I am pushing myself on them. It is like they dont realize that our days together are numbered. I dont know...

They might say that we are not really close enough to spend more time together. Why am I pushing the limits between what should be? I am just a teacher.

Just a teacher. Just a lab instructor. And yet I have grown fond of being with them. My kiddos. I like leading them towards something fruitful. I have grown into that role. And soon, it will all be over. It is just sad that perhaps they do not realize how much I will miss filling that place.

It is not their fault. It is my problem. Or is it a problem at all? Soon they will go. They will go! No avoiding that. But like what my student Jel said, I should smile instead because it happened.

I am so happy. I was able to have such students with me for one semester. But, I cannot deny that I will be SO hurt when they go again. It hurts me much!

But is there any point in focusing on the sadness? Maybe I wont even cry after all. Maybe. I am a heartbag. A big bloody sissy heartbag.

That is a painful lesson that I have learned. Some students do forget.

Or maybe the remedy is to simply do nothing. Perhaps I will be hurt less if I will start acting colder? No, I cant do that to them.

I can picture the last day in my mind. Everyone there (hopefully). Once we walk out the door, everything will be different. New students will come, but they all are meant to go anyway. I hope some will stay. Please do. Stay, keep in touch. Never forget that I am still here. The same old grumpy touchy me.

Every meeting from now on counts.