Strength

I am currently waiting for Chiyo to come here in the lab. She's working late somewhere, and I am starting to worry that the security guard might come up here and check on me. Technically, I am not allowed to stay here this late. For one thing, I do not have a valid reason for staying. If I were to do my waiting, it should be outside.

So I thought about writing in my blog. It feels like it has been a long time since I last wrote an entry, and I am a bit excited about what I would write now. I recall something: my Tarot card reading.

It is this tarot card test I took in tickle.com. I am probably a sucker for these psychological tests, since naturally, I want to know myself better. I want another person's opinion when I try to analyze who I really am. That is one thing I find weird about me: why do I want to know myself too much?

In that tarot card test, I picked three cards which represent my past, present, and future. The card for my past was the Devil, signifying negative emotions of which I remember most is obsession. That did reflect my past. Obsession. Remember a previous post(s) of mine?

My present is represented by Justice. I dont really need to explain this too much, it explains itself. And still it fits my current situation. Im in a phase where I have to judge two things fairly and without bias. It gets hard sometimes but I think Im doing well.

My future is represented by the Strength card. Hell, how it fits. In a relationship, I need to be strong. Especially me. It gets me into thinking sometimes when I have to fight some basic emotions which arise inside me. When they do, I label them as wrong, therefore, to be deleted. And sometimes, it does get hard. But I am not giving up. I have my personal ups and downs. But in the end, I come back to my home. Where I feel loved. Where I feel happy and content. Where simple things matter most. Just the thought that I am with someone who knows me inside out.

Storms have come.. and passed. They are essential in relationships. If things heat up, I let it cool down and think about it rationally and calmly. I should not strike back and that may only deepen the problem.
Thinking back, I havent really been in a real relationship before. Ours is different since we see each other almost everyday. We live together. Do things together. Sleep together. It is like I am married. Somehow, despite all that, It hasnt really crashed into me that I AM with Chiyo-san. That after all that has happened between us, at the end of the day, I feel her beside me, sleeping quietly (unlike me I snore loudly). When I wake for work in the morning, shes still there beside me. Before I go, a goodbye kiss - as if we will not meet later in the morning. A laugh there, a hug here, and kisses all over the place. Those simple things are enough to dispel the difficulties that I go through sometimes.

And now she's back. Worried that I waited for her too long. Giving good news that her new assay worked. She sat on my lap, and I had this dawning that I was REALLY happy for her, and finding it weird that my facial expression cannot express how I truly feel.


Chiyo-san, please bear with me. You know me for who I am. I may not always be showy, and there might be times in the future when you will feel that I may not be there, but I want to hold on to us with all my strength. Including my right arm biceps strength. Hehe. I just need time to sort things out on my own sometimes, but in the end , I have a feeling that we will win against my inconsistencies. With you here, I will try to be the man you have always believed to be within me.