Don't

I had a dream about you.

I dreamt that we were in Philcoa (of all places), and that vaguely, in the manner of dreams, we were supposed to be together on this long trip somewhere. But first, we need to go back to UP. Together.

And as we were walking, to where the jeepneys are, I kept on bumping into you. Our hands kept brushing each other. We were smiling, laughing, walking so close to each other. I couldn't quite hold your hand though I know you'd let me since so far, in the dream, you were tolerating my shy advances. And when you did hold my hand, finally, although in dreams you can't quite take note of the time, I felt... predictably blissful.

I couldn't quite take my eyes off you, sitting beside you in the jeepney. I couldn't quite believe it. You right there, beside me, holding me, the other people in the jeepney beaming at us, sharing in our happiness.

Then, we were walking on the middle of the suddenly carless Acad Oval. My Chemsoc friends were there on the road, and I said hi to them. Strangely, they were smiling at us, too, as if just seeing us together already contributes to their own happiness, even if they don't really know you personally. We were just happy, walking by. Almost skipping, our hands enclosed in each other's. Happy that they can see us be ourselves. Happy that they can see that we belong to each other.

Then we came to the place just outside our tambayan. It was there that I hugged you. It was there that I got the feeling that there was a chance that things will be going beyong mere hugging and holding hands. I proposed that we go to the apartment first before proceeding to that vague trip to somewhere. I lost myself in your hug. I felt you kissing my neck. I felt... other things.

But I had to pick something up in the tambayan first. Something I can't recall now, and when I looked back to where I left you, you were gone. I called your name. Surely, you will not go yet. I was lightning-quick. We still needed to go back to my apartment. I called your name. But you were nowhere. You were gone. And I woke up.

I tried to sleep again. To dream about you again. I thought about you furiously, in hopes of continuing the dream where it was cut off. But my next dreams were useless - a bomb scare in the LRT, trying to get dressed in a public area, looking for a lost shoe. You were not there with me in the LRT. You were not there to cover my nakedness in that busy street. You were not the one to hand me back my lost footwear.

And it was better that way. It is better this way. LE says that lasting love is made from 50% feelings and 50% commitment. And I believe her.

Don't look at me with that smile
Don't act like everything's fine
Stop putting dreams in my head
When I should've thought of him instead

Go away. You are not my baby.

***
Contains an excerpt from "Don't" by M2M
from the album The Big Room