Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My Body Is A Cage

December 1, 2010


Sometimes I wish I were that guy I saw in the mall. With the flawless face and the passable body. Sometimes I wish I were just like him, even for a while. Maybe if I were him I'd be happier. I'd be less lonely.

Maybe if I were him my baby wouldn't leave me like this. Maybe he would keep the lights on when we're having sex. Maybe he'll look forward to kissing me. Maybe you know, he'd at least want to touch me every now and then.

Maybe he'd reply to my messages. Maybe he would have greeted me on my birthday. Maybe he wouldn't ignore me like what he is doing right now. Maybe if I were hot and good-looking, he'd come back and say he was sorry for ever leaving me like that.

Maybe if I were that guy in the mall, I wouldn't have so many failed dates. I wouldn't have to invest my feelings on so many people, only to be rejected in the end. Maybe I wouldn't get to cry very often at night. Maybe I wouldn't have smoked too many cigarettes, thinking and feeling it all. Maybe I would smile every morning when I look at my fone.

Maybe if I were that guy I would have guys lined up to comfort me when I'm sad. As it is, well, no one is there for me. Maybe I'd receive tons of messages and invitations. If I were that guy, I'd have somebody to hug me every night. They'd be pleasing me and not the other way around.

Maybe if I were that guy, I'd have somebody to watch movies with. I'd have somebody to sip coffee with. I'd have somebody to eat my dinners with. Maybe if I were that guy, I'd have somebody to talk about my album with. I'd have somebody to plan with. Somebody to dream with.

Oh but I will never be that guy, you know. I am who I am, holes and bones and all. I have a face like creased paper and a body like twigs held with twine. I am who I am and I should be happy with that I know, only sometimes you get sad because you are disliked for how you look.

If I were that guy I'd come visit you and maybe you will let me hug you. Maybe you will let me hold your hand. Maybe you will let me kiss you. Maybe then I'd be able to show you just how much I care. Maybe then the outside will be able to match what is inside.

I will make you happy, you know. I'd take you out and people will envy you for being with me. I can tell you how I really feel and it will not be embarrassing on my part because I look great. You will not be annoyed but thrilled when I whisper you sweet nothings. You will be happy and I'll be happier because that was so.

But I will never be that guy, you know because I am who I am. So I'll continue to have coffee on my own. Have dinner on my own. I'll continue with watching movies on my own. I'll continue to struggle with loneliness and deal with acceptance. I will continue to hide in the shadows and love you from afar. And when I see you finding happiness in the right guy then I will be happy for you too.

And maybe when I see your boyfriend walking around the mall, with the flawless face and the passable body, I'd think to myself, "I wish I were that guy."

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