State of Flux

February 19, 2010

I was playing my guitar in the faculty room, singing to an Avril Lavigne song and then I thought, hey why doesn't anyone do this to me?

***

At 25, I am not sure whether I should feel the pressure from my friends getting married. Right now, I personally know of six friends who are about to or recently tied the knot. You can't help but be aware that you are already at a marrying age when THAT happens. You can't help but compare and count how many relationship points you have accumulated.

It may not be good manners to count how many relationships one has gone through but... well, I feel that I've had quite a lot of them already. And it is exhausting whenever I look back. All those emotional investments. It's like everytime I promise to my partner that it will be forever, a part of me still clings to that until now. Seems like I really meant what I said, no matter how awful it turned out in the end.

It shocks me to realize that right now, I am looking for a steady relationship. I do not want to be single. I do not want to flirt anymore. No more sleeping around for me. I want stability. I am tired of starting over again. I want to build a strong relationship which will last until I die.

Strange, hearing those from me. I suppose I'm over the exploring stage.

Or maybe not.

Since I met Chad, I haven't been to THAT site as often as I used to but I still do visit occasionally just to check on my messages. And everytime I view those who are online, it astounds me that there are so many many candidates out there, each one offering a different experience and it makes me think that there are so much I haven't tried yet.

Like having a relationship with:

-a UP student
-someone older, like 30's
-a male colleague
-someone married (just an affair perhaps)
-an artist

Of course, the list doesn't include impossibilities like being in a relationship with a drop dead gorgeous model or someone famous.

I do have the tendency to find what I want so maybe if I really put my mind to it...

Or maybe not.

LIke what Doreen told me once, "Hindi lahat ng jeep, sasakyan mo..."
But how will I learn?