If, Not When

March 5, 2010

I'm afraid having an fbuddy doesn't work for me since I'm the type who gets attached. I can't be intimate and sweet with a person without meaning it, and I feel that very soon I am going to fall.

I believe it is actually possible to have regular sex with someone who doesn't mean anything special to you but it just isn't me and now I'm having trouble stilling my heart without making my thing go limp.

He is just so awesome and hands down, he is the most attractive (and tallest) man I've ever had sex with. I just find him so effing hot and it doesn't help that he used to call me on the phone very often, sometimes until morning. I won't forget how he told me that we were still friends but that he was missing me, and he didn't want to lose me.

Maybe for him this situation is manageable since I think he is not as attracted to me as I am to him, even if he told me that I'm such a wonderful person. And I completely understand that he doesn't want to get into another relationship since he was actually in one when I first got to know him (that was just last weekend). And I will never make the same mistake of taking things too fast - if it's too easy, it never lasts.

But OMFG if he asks me to be his I know that I am going to say yes! I mean, it is very rare for me to meet a guy who is my type AND who at the least, entertains me and allows me to hold his hand and hug him and kiss him and more. Why would I let that chance go? And not to mention the sexual compatibility we have. Everytime I get to be alone with him is like the best sex ever.

Fool fool me I have a sinking feeling I am going to cry 1000 oceans if this falls apart and I won't be able to blame anybody but myself. It will be too much for me. I wasn't expecting anything from him but he gave me more. Much more than what I was hoping for. And if he leaves I am very sure it will not be easy on me.

I am pleased that once again, I am feeling ecstatic. That once again, I have proven that better things are coming my way. Yet I am afraid too, reader because I can't get it out of my head that the higher I fly, the more painful it will be if I fall.