I am slowly conceding to the fact that these days, to be gay means to be hot. Never is this more evident as when I'm in a gay crowd, where men are more fastidious about looking good than about almost anything else. Gays are giving girls a run for their money when it comes to knowing the latest trends in fashion, and I believe they are slowly dominating the gyms, spas, and facial care centers which only a few years ago, most men would find humiliating for them to be caught in.
"The pressure is upon us," I once told my gay friend. We now have to look the best that we can. To belong, we now need to have our faces smoothed and our bodies ripped. To be ugly, and to stay ugly, means to be lonely for the rest of your life.
People like us, I suppose, have more need of finding a lasting relationship than girls (given the notoriously fickle nature of gay relationships) and maybe that is why more and more gay men are spending all their efforts in making themselves more attractive to the same sex. Men are competitive by nature, and when two men are fighting for the attention of yet another man then this aesthetic struggle can easily escalate exponentially. Men are now rushing to the gym to build their bodies not to harness their strength but to flirt and flex their muscles. Imagine this age that we're living in!
When I tell people that I used to go the gym too, most will likely not believe me for nowhere in my body is this evident! There isn't a shred of developed muscle I can show for proof! And when they ask me why I stopped going to the gym, I tell them I just don't have the motivation anymore.
For skinny people like me, gaining weight is a lot of hard work. I simply do not like food as much as any normal man does and there are times when I really feel like eating is a chore. I only eat to get rid of the hungry feeling and I know that if there was a way to simply feed myself intravenously, I would have done so out of sheer convenience.
I am well-aware that perhaps, if my body is not as two-dimensional as it is now, I wouldn't feel as lonely or as insecure as I feel sometimes. Guys would be flirting with me everywhere I go, and my clothes will fit my body like how they were originally made to. I recognize that, but the thing is, that is just not enough reason for me to subject myself to those torture machines. The reason why I went to the gym in the first place was because someone I liked asked me to. I can do it for him, but not for myself.
I just can't shake this notion out of my head - that having a nice body is an ostentation I can't quite assimilate with my own philosophies. I have this firm belief that I want to attract a possible partner not because of how I look but because of who I am, and if I do give in to the gym's calling then I can't help but feel that my own personality is not attractive enough that I had to resort to superficial means. It feels like cheating for me. It feels rather debasing for me to give in to that fact.
I keep telling myself that I was born this way, and I do not want to compete with the others in a field where I don't even have any potential in the first place. I believe that my strengths lie elsewhere, and that if the guy I like can't see past through what his eyes alone can see, then that is in no way my problem. Or maybe this is only what I want to make myself believe.
Sometimes when I'm naked and I look down on my body, I don't see that it is completely awful. Half of it may need improvement, but the rest are okay, in my opinion. And I suppose if an average guy were to look at all of me, he wouldn't really care if I have a nonexistent chest or sticks for arms.
The trouble with thinking this way is, well, it sounds like I'm only making excuses instead of presenting valid reasons. I know that if I want to fit in, I cannot impose my biased view on the gay world. In fact, when I told someone about my stand on this, I was laughed at. The inescapable truth is that it is I who need to change and to adapt to how most of us think. If I cared enough to adapt at all that is.
I also think that those who go to the gym want the same in their partners. Well, I don't. Sure it's nice to have a hot boy toy in bed with you (been there) but I prioritize the more meaningful things.
With all these said, being skinny is still frustrating. Not being physically perfect is frustrating, most especially when you are rejected for how you look. But somehow, I still cannot accept that I have to go to the gym in order for me to find love. Maybe that will significantly increase my chances, but I am not giving up yet on myself. I'm not giving up that someday, someone will like me just as I am.
Day by day though, that faith in myself slowly trickles away, and it is during these times when I hope that my mind would just give in to what most people believe in and not present rational counterarguments why I should not just go with the flow.
"The pressure is upon us," I once told my gay friend. We now have to look the best that we can. To belong, we now need to have our faces smoothed and our bodies ripped. To be ugly, and to stay ugly, means to be lonely for the rest of your life.
People like us, I suppose, have more need of finding a lasting relationship than girls (given the notoriously fickle nature of gay relationships) and maybe that is why more and more gay men are spending all their efforts in making themselves more attractive to the same sex. Men are competitive by nature, and when two men are fighting for the attention of yet another man then this aesthetic struggle can easily escalate exponentially. Men are now rushing to the gym to build their bodies not to harness their strength but to flirt and flex their muscles. Imagine this age that we're living in!
When I tell people that I used to go the gym too, most will likely not believe me for nowhere in my body is this evident! There isn't a shred of developed muscle I can show for proof! And when they ask me why I stopped going to the gym, I tell them I just don't have the motivation anymore.
For skinny people like me, gaining weight is a lot of hard work. I simply do not like food as much as any normal man does and there are times when I really feel like eating is a chore. I only eat to get rid of the hungry feeling and I know that if there was a way to simply feed myself intravenously, I would have done so out of sheer convenience.
I am well-aware that perhaps, if my body is not as two-dimensional as it is now, I wouldn't feel as lonely or as insecure as I feel sometimes. Guys would be flirting with me everywhere I go, and my clothes will fit my body like how they were originally made to. I recognize that, but the thing is, that is just not enough reason for me to subject myself to those torture machines. The reason why I went to the gym in the first place was because someone I liked asked me to. I can do it for him, but not for myself.
I just can't shake this notion out of my head - that having a nice body is an ostentation I can't quite assimilate with my own philosophies. I have this firm belief that I want to attract a possible partner not because of how I look but because of who I am, and if I do give in to the gym's calling then I can't help but feel that my own personality is not attractive enough that I had to resort to superficial means. It feels like cheating for me. It feels rather debasing for me to give in to that fact.
I keep telling myself that I was born this way, and I do not want to compete with the others in a field where I don't even have any potential in the first place. I believe that my strengths lie elsewhere, and that if the guy I like can't see past through what his eyes alone can see, then that is in no way my problem. Or maybe this is only what I want to make myself believe.
Sometimes when I'm naked and I look down on my body, I don't see that it is completely awful. Half of it may need improvement, but the rest are okay, in my opinion. And I suppose if an average guy were to look at all of me, he wouldn't really care if I have a nonexistent chest or sticks for arms.
The trouble with thinking this way is, well, it sounds like I'm only making excuses instead of presenting valid reasons. I know that if I want to fit in, I cannot impose my biased view on the gay world. In fact, when I told someone about my stand on this, I was laughed at. The inescapable truth is that it is I who need to change and to adapt to how most of us think. If I cared enough to adapt at all that is.
I also think that those who go to the gym want the same in their partners. Well, I don't. Sure it's nice to have a hot boy toy in bed with you (been there) but I prioritize the more meaningful things.
With all these said, being skinny is still frustrating. Not being physically perfect is frustrating, most especially when you are rejected for how you look. But somehow, I still cannot accept that I have to go to the gym in order for me to find love. Maybe that will significantly increase my chances, but I am not giving up yet on myself. I'm not giving up that someday, someone will like me just as I am.
Day by day though, that faith in myself slowly trickles away, and it is during these times when I hope that my mind would just give in to what most people believe in and not present rational counterarguments why I should not just go with the flow.
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