I've pictured it all in my head you know. How your band will be performing at my party. How you'll sing your heart out and how, maybe, you'll be dedicating this one special song for me. How I'll stand with the crowd, acting cool and collected when deep inside my heart is giggling. How magical that moment will be for me. And maybe, for you, too.
And I've imagined how I'll be performing this surprise number for you. I already have a list of song choices to sing. I've already pictured how my friends will help me sing it. I've imagined how I'll be there onstage and I'll look at you meaningfully. And how the people will tease us and maybe ask you to come up the stage to sing the song with me. How wonderful that might have been.
I've already planned an album dedicated for you, you know. It included all the songs I've been saving up when that special someone in my life finally comes along. The album was supposed to be called "Stay". Too bad you couldn't.
I still remember how you carried me up the stairs and brought me down on my bed. I remember feeling giddy. I remember how you kissed me. I remember my shock. I still remember the incredulity of it all - that after a very long time, somebody made me fall in love again. And fell I did.
And it's just too bad that you had to run from me at this time. I've told you about this, and I thought you understood. But you really did not care how I'd feel. You never did. I just thought that, with everything I've done for you, you might have had the kindness to not let everything explode at this time.
And now, I have to keep moving forward because I do not have time to grieve. I cannot afford to allow myself to heal. I have to carry this additional emotional burden too. I need to surround myself with my friends all the time because I cannot trust myself to be on my own. Somehow, when I'm with other people, I am buffered from falling apart.
I believed in us, you know. And in a way it's a good thing that I'm feeling all these sadness now because it's proof that I did, well, love you a bit. And it hurts how you can let go of me just like that... Well, that showed how little you cared me about at all.
Turns out your visits meant nothing. Your text messages meant nothing. Your willingness to perform in my party meant nothing. Your hugs meant nothing. Your kisses meant nothing. And how you carried me up the stairs - that moment I cherish the most - meant nothing to you at all.
Turns out that no matter how vehemently you hated players, you were one of them too. You promised me you weren't a monster, but it turns out you were the worst of them. You said you despise users. Well...
I told you that you should tell me if you cannot see me as your boyfriend. And I am thankful that you were honest with me, in that at least. I just did not imagine that you'd do this in the days when I would've needed you the most.
You were on the point of breaking when I met you. And I saved you from your slow downward spiral. I helped you make it through.
And this is what I got from all that.
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