I can almost pluck the happiness out of the air that awesome Friday night. It was pure euphoria. My guests were just having so much fun and I believe it wouldn't be a far-fetched assumption that most of my students were really having the time of their lives. As the party organizer, I had to restrain myself from staying in one group for too long. I had to continually circulate the dancefloor to make my students feel that it was indeed our night, as well as to check whether those who were already drunk were okay and were dealing with it properly. The latter wasn't a tedious task really, and I was even glad I had that excuse to join you and your group.
It must have been the feeling of being a "star" that night which pushed me to throw away most of the inhibitions I had towards you. I stepped over the line, I know. Without thinking, I did things I wouldn't ever ever have done under more sober circumstances. It was as if I drunk a vial of Felix Felicis. My feet naturally pranced towards you. My body spontaneously grooving with yours and I will never fail to appreciate how such a good sport you have been.
It will take a serious knock to the head for me to forget the feel of your hand on my shoulder, or the way our legs were touching, or how my hand was lightly touching your lower back. I was even talking to you! I got much too much more than I was hoping for, and I can say that that made my happiness complete that night. Or so I thought.
A few bottles later and you were drunk. It must have been my cruel twist of fate that you had to choose to rest on the stool farthest from the rest of us. The bar was already packed by that time, and it was impossible for me to reach you conveniently. Out of nowhere, this guy came along and seized the opportunity to take advantage of you. And just like that, my night was ruined.
I must be thankful for my remarkable control of my anger, that even if I was already tipsy I managed not to break my bottle of Tanduay Ice and in a half-second, shoved the jagged edges towards that guy's back. I was thankful I handled that well, but I had to let my steam off somewhere. So I just had to make do with fuming, twisting my face into an unmistakable expression of hatred as I watched him give you his fone. I had to stand there, watching you exchange numbers. I should have looked away but my eyes kept sliding back to you and him.
My eyes were piercing the both of you like awls and thank goodness it was dim at that time, otherwise it really might have led to calling the ambulance. My friend was egging me on to make my move when he saw that you and the guy were holding hands but I just stood there, dumb as a fencepost. I tried to concentrate on the drag show instead, even managing to sing along and laugh with the audience occasionally. I was convincing myself that I should be projecting an air of indifference instead (to what purpose, I still do not know) and I might have been successful at that until I saw you leaning your head on that blasted guy's shoulder.
My friends were stirring themselves, half-rising out of their seats when they saw what was happening. They were actually pushing me already to make my move but I was lost. I looked at you and saw that that fucking guy was already touching, no, caressing your face and by that time I already completely gave it up as lost.
"This is my party," I thought illogically, even if almost all of my guests have already gone home by that time and the bar filled with strangers. "I am supposed to get a little happiness here," I thought as I bowed my head.
I do not have the right to do anything, or interfere with your actions. As long as you are happy, I will be happy with that. If that guy can make you happier more than I can, I will gladly give way. I do not want to proceed with selling myself because that is not the way I court someone. I let them discover by themselves what my redeeming qualities are, despite my debilitating physical limitations. I let them realize on their own how much I can do and what I can be as long as I put my mind and heart to it. I do not hide my defections. I do not pretend to be someone else who will look better in your eyes. If I really want someone, I want them to see me for who I am - the good and the bad.
I do not have the right to tell you that I am right for you because I may be not. I am actually partly afraid for you if you ever condescend to give me a chance because I do not have a spotless record. I am waiting, because I still have issues I need to resolve within myself. I am not moving because I am still unsure whether I like you for everything that you are. I am taking my time because I am serious about relationships, and because I treasure and respect you - that I'm not going to try to win your heart just because I like how you look.
For now, this is the best that I can do. And even if in the interval, someone else gets to win your heart, it will still be okay. Because even if I wasn't able to reach the summit, I knew I did the climb the best way I can.
It must have been the feeling of being a "star" that night which pushed me to throw away most of the inhibitions I had towards you. I stepped over the line, I know. Without thinking, I did things I wouldn't ever ever have done under more sober circumstances. It was as if I drunk a vial of Felix Felicis. My feet naturally pranced towards you. My body spontaneously grooving with yours and I will never fail to appreciate how such a good sport you have been.
It will take a serious knock to the head for me to forget the feel of your hand on my shoulder, or the way our legs were touching, or how my hand was lightly touching your lower back. I was even talking to you! I got much too much more than I was hoping for, and I can say that that made my happiness complete that night. Or so I thought.
A few bottles later and you were drunk. It must have been my cruel twist of fate that you had to choose to rest on the stool farthest from the rest of us. The bar was already packed by that time, and it was impossible for me to reach you conveniently. Out of nowhere, this guy came along and seized the opportunity to take advantage of you. And just like that, my night was ruined.
I must be thankful for my remarkable control of my anger, that even if I was already tipsy I managed not to break my bottle of Tanduay Ice and in a half-second, shoved the jagged edges towards that guy's back. I was thankful I handled that well, but I had to let my steam off somewhere. So I just had to make do with fuming, twisting my face into an unmistakable expression of hatred as I watched him give you his fone. I had to stand there, watching you exchange numbers. I should have looked away but my eyes kept sliding back to you and him.
My eyes were piercing the both of you like awls and thank goodness it was dim at that time, otherwise it really might have led to calling the ambulance. My friend was egging me on to make my move when he saw that you and the guy were holding hands but I just stood there, dumb as a fencepost. I tried to concentrate on the drag show instead, even managing to sing along and laugh with the audience occasionally. I was convincing myself that I should be projecting an air of indifference instead (to what purpose, I still do not know) and I might have been successful at that until I saw you leaning your head on that blasted guy's shoulder.
My friends were stirring themselves, half-rising out of their seats when they saw what was happening. They were actually pushing me already to make my move but I was lost. I looked at you and saw that that fucking guy was already touching, no, caressing your face and by that time I already completely gave it up as lost.
"This is my party," I thought illogically, even if almost all of my guests have already gone home by that time and the bar filled with strangers. "I am supposed to get a little happiness here," I thought as I bowed my head.
I do not have the right to do anything, or interfere with your actions. As long as you are happy, I will be happy with that. If that guy can make you happier more than I can, I will gladly give way. I do not want to proceed with selling myself because that is not the way I court someone. I let them discover by themselves what my redeeming qualities are, despite my debilitating physical limitations. I let them realize on their own how much I can do and what I can be as long as I put my mind and heart to it. I do not hide my defections. I do not pretend to be someone else who will look better in your eyes. If I really want someone, I want them to see me for who I am - the good and the bad.
I do not have the right to tell you that I am right for you because I may be not. I am actually partly afraid for you if you ever condescend to give me a chance because I do not have a spotless record. I am waiting, because I still have issues I need to resolve within myself. I am not moving because I am still unsure whether I like you for everything that you are. I am taking my time because I am serious about relationships, and because I treasure and respect you - that I'm not going to try to win your heart just because I like how you look.
For now, this is the best that I can do. And even if in the interval, someone else gets to win your heart, it will still be okay. Because even if I wasn't able to reach the summit, I knew I did the climb the best way I can.
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