June 21, 2009
It crushes me to realize that all along I was surrounding myself in all kinds of revelry because I was waiting for somebody to come and break through my walls, and see that even if I'm the wildest guy in the party, I am the unhappiest.
That I was telling everybody left and right that I am okay, that I haven't cried a tear, that I was lmao because I was waiting for somebody to slap me in the face and hug me and tell me that I will not get through this alone.
That I am letting you Multiply people into my life because I want to prove to myself that even if I tell you what my problems are, none of you can really help me.
That I am letting you Multiply people know that all your blah is useless because I want to goad you into pushing me away and telling me that I deserve all this shit I'm going through.
That I want all you people to push me away because I want to reach my limit so I can finally finally snap mentally and say goodbye to your world's laws and stuff.
Oh, I just want to cry in somebody's shoulders. I just want to feel I am not doing this alone. I just want somebody to resist my insistent resistance that I don't need help.
Why doesn't anybody stay for long, reader? Why am I always alone? I'm a loving person, aren't I, reader? But I keep pushing those who love me away. And then I cry. And then I cry more because I know it's my fault and I can't do anything about it.
They say the sun will always rise again tomorrow. And I believe them. You know I do. But life taught me that the sun will always set too.
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