Hiatus

I am letting things lie by themselves for a while. I realized, after talking with my high school friends during my "Coming Out Party", that I am taking too much control over my life. I think and feel too much that both are getting me nowhere. Perhaps it is the scientist in me - always striving for the answers. I am always measuring this or that about myself. Perhaps a month or so of reflecting would do me good.

Blogging by itself, is already a part of my reflections. Weird, that I feel attached to my blog already. I am becoming too dependent on this, in fact, that I cannot seem to think clearly without writing my thoughts in here. (So that's another reminder for you, reader, I don't just blog without a reason. Keep that in mind. I'm no Kris Aquino. Well, perhaps she had her own reasons too for blurting out much about her personal life. Sorry if I offended some fans out there...)

I'm already just a step from doing what I needed to do. Somehow, what my high school friends kept telling me (about losing something in myself when I finally do it) crashed into me. Am I being low, reader, if I resort to this thing, which if put into the most vulgar of terms - into prostitution? My concept of being free, of not caring what everyone says (in the ruse of trying to get to know myself) is battling with my concept of righteousness and self-respect. I still believe that, in due time, the man (or human, to be safe) who is really meant for me, is waiting out there. Sometimes, I realize that there is no need to rush my life. I am still young. I've got loads of days to live yet. But if that is so, why did I break up with her in the first place? When I think of that, it just convinces me to do it now - just to justify my actions.

Reader, you might think me numb. I mean, I've just broken up with my longest relationship, and the only relationship I had which can be counted as "real", and I haven't written anything here which showed that I was hurt by that. From reading my entries, you might have concluded that I completely jumped over to the other side without any guilty conscience about what I did to the other. The fact is - I am hurt. Perhaps too deep I can't let it out completely here. It crashes unto me sometimes, but the pain seems to be unconsciously felt. It is still here in my heart. That is why I am having these difficulties.

Now, in light of my decision of letting things lie for a while, I am not going to analyze this further. I am going to take a break from that. I will try to concentrate more on my work and my studies. This is already my second year of teaching and taking my masterals, and without elaboration, I can say that my responsibilities here have increased instead of the opposite as I thought it would be.

As early as this, I am already planning my new album for the first semester. I've had my sampler CD finished even before classes formally started. See, I am focusing on this rather than on my strangled emotions.

I have my friends out there, reading my blog entries. Following my life, even if they don't post a comment now and then. Ziel said that the bad feelings I let out in here are sometimes contagious, and even Sandie said she gets a headache after reading my entries here. To my friends out there, thank you very much. This from my heart. It is really very nice to realize that no matter how dejected I feel sometimes about myself, you still keep on with me. Still there, patient to get me out of this. Patient to read through my numerous, long, and "overly hearty" (as Esme says) blog entries.

In a lighter topic, I am on my way of fixing my broken friendship with Hunter. I have a friend out there, who, despite our lack of time together, is willing to mend what has been destroyed between me and Hunter. I am hoping that things will turn out okay between us after all.

A light shines on my way - I've read this somewhere I can't remember.

I will still blog though, but I will try to write about lighter things for a while. Today, I am feeling better than I had in days. And who can I account that to? Well, you, reader! You're my friend!