My AC/DC Shirt

This evening, I showed my dad the vintage shirts I took home for laundrying. He was doing this T-shirt printing job with someone, and they wanted to get some ideas.

I showed him this black vintage tee I have with the "AC/DC Back in Black" print on it. You probably have seen me wearing it. (Lately, I'm into wearing black tees... dunno why.) I was apprehensive about showing it to him because of that print. Anyway, he was commenting on it - being rubberized, how white looks good on black, etc. and then he asked me, "why do you wear this shirt?" with a funny and yet menacing expression on his face. "Do you know what "AC/DC" means?"

I got very nervous for I knew where we were heading. I said, "Isn't it a band?"

He said, "Yes, but do you know what wearing this shirt means?"

I mumbled, "Yeah... I know" in a very small voice.

"It's connected with batteries and electricity," he added. As if I didn't know. I almost shouted "Of course I know! I teach electronics, remember?" But I didn't answer. I was avoiding his eye.

"AC/DC also means being silahis," he finally said in his almost shouting voice. And when I saw his face, it's like he was enjoying the discomfort he was causing me. I've never seen that expression on him before. It's like he wanted to be mad at me, or... or humiliate me and question me. All I was able to say was, "Yes. I know..."

All along I thought my dad already knew. I'm pretty sure my mom knew about it already. Even if I've brought home Chiyo with me a few times before. My mom was probably hoping I'd turn out straight after all. Perhaps mom didn't tell dad because he knew he wouldn't take it well. Or perhaps dad was just goading me this evening.

It was very uncomfortable afterwards, being in the same room with my dad (we were in the living room). He was doing his work, and I was playing some music but I felt I needed to get out of there. I went out of the house. It was drizzling, but I went out anyway. I needed to buy some smokes because I left mine at the KNL apartment. I didn't mind the rain, as I walking on the streets of our sorta community. Nobody was out on the streets.

I came back and sat just outside the door, looking at Baby while smoking my sorrows away. I felt different then. It was one thing to let your friends know about it, but it's another when your very own dad knows. I thought I was fine with me being bisexual. I thought I've already accepted it. That's why I was surprised I still felt bad after what happened.

I sat outside for a longer while as mom was preparing dinner. I didn't want to be subjected to my dad's scrutiny right then. I almost cried while I was sitting there. I thought, "Yes, dad, I'm bi. That's why I broke up wuth her! That's why I was having problems with my relationships! Now come on, dad, laugh at me! Laugh at your bisexual son!"

When mom announced that dinner was ready, I came in being unnaturally polite to her. My mom was being too kind to me, too. Dad probably told her. They knew about how uncomfortable I was feeling.

Why is the world this way? Why won't it let accepting my sexuality easier for me?

You know what, reader, I have a confession... I am immersing myself now in the world of male homosexuality. And I found that... I don't like it as I thought I would. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am sexless, I think.

I don't like how people keep on looking for sex! You thought I was liberated? I am. But too much is too much. And I... I'm still not very okay with doing it with a man.

Perhaps, eventually I will learn to just like it...

The thing why I can't let hunter go is that he's the only man I think I can love. Weird. Or perhaps, it is just too early to tell. Perhaps I haven't met the right people yet.

Tonight, if I could get hold of some beer, I will drink. I want to escape from these identity problems even for just a few minutes please? Please let me be... happy about myself, even for a while.

Now, where's that beer?