Up Drama Down

I'm on my way to starting anew, and like the usual feeling when you're about to begin a new phase in your life (like when you're going on a trip, or like the first day of classes), I am nervous.

I just don't know what to do. I've never been into dating before. Well, actually reader... I DID. Once. And it was quite a disaster on my part. I felt so bad after, I never ventured into that thing again! I never even apologized to the person. Perhaps, I wasn't ready as I thought I was back then. And now, am I ready?

I thought it would be difficult for me to do this thing, but it turned out that there are a lot of understanding people out there. People I don't know who are really willing to help. Some have been in the same or a similar situation. I never thought that the third sex community was really what it meant - a community, where people help each other.

At present, I am not able to proceed with my plans because of the lack of a fone. So I'm planning to buy a new one this month. But that's not the only purpose of that. I also need to get in touch with my friends and my student friends. Enough justifications.

I thought I was loose, but it seems that casual sex is not easy for me. For one thing, I haven't done it with a man before. Perhaps I need to get myself really drunk before I can do it. IF I can do it, that is.

Scared. I am scared about this new thing I am about to enter. Enter, I will, since if I back out again, I will be back where I started.

Strange. How I feel like I'm really getting older. I'm on my own, now. It is my decision alone to go into this... and... and... I am just scared I have nothing else to say.

I have another question. Am I looking for a new relationship? A relationship with someone like me? I have my share of loneliness, too, but not enough for me to be too desperate, that I'd just pick the first person I see. My thoughts, reader, are incoherent in this matter, so perhaps I'd better drop this and not think about it for the meantime.

This evening, my friend will be having a "Coming Out Party" for me. That's what she calls it anyway. I'll be meeting my high school friends for the first time in six months, and there, maybe I could tell them what I've been going through these past months. They've got so much to catch up on.

Reader, do you share the same opinion as I have of myself? I feel like a lot of things have been happening lately in my life. I've changed a lot from the nerdy  but good-looking (haha) high school valedictorian they once knew. Now, I'm red. I'm out. I've become more serious. My heart has outgrown my liver in terms of size and outdid my brain in terms of control over my life. I used to be the passive listener to their problems, secretly wishing inside that I would have liked to live a crazier life. Now I got my wish.

Still, I don't think my life is too crazy for me to handle. I like it. I love my life, too, John Ray. It feels nice to know that I am progressing towards something better. I have a ladder to climb. Unlike others who just eat and sleep. No time for self-analysis. No time to predict where their lives are heading. No inner purpose.

I sound too egocentric. I am aware of that. Sorry if you're not liking it. But I'm not going to change, whatever you say. I'd listen to you though.

Nah. I'm just fooling myself sometimes about liking my life. Ha! I just contradicted myself. Lately, I just can't arrive at any conclusions about my issues. Is your life like this, too?

I'm always in the middle, I wish I was away somewhere. Not trapped in this physical body with its limitations. A traveling soul looking at the lives of others. Looking at their follies, their triumphs, what makes them happy and what makes them sad. I want to be one with nature. Removed from these too human problems. That's why I want to be dead. I want to be removed from feeling for a while. I just want to exist and not be bothered by these.

Just me - no other people in my life. No hunter. No nervousness. No regrets. No uncertainties. Just existence. I'm feeling too much I'm getting sick of it.