Cum Laude For Nothing

Maam: "The energy is equal to L minus B over..."

Me: L? Hindi ba alpha yun?

This was my last coherent academic thought while sitting in Chem 230. The room (PH 2203), despite the fans, always has a stuporous effect on me. The lights are too dim, and the air too stuffy. I never liked that room, except when I used to pass there just to take a peek at my student(s).

I sort of reflected on my academic self as I was sitting there, listening to Ma'am Arco's lilting voice (which I have to admit, does get you off of your doze if the topic was interesting enough.) I used to be one of those my classmates can go to whenever they missed something the teacher said. That was the old me. Always glued to his teachers without much effort. The new me is disinterested in his academics.

The new me is sick of the goody-two-shoes life. He is sick of always striving to know the answers in his academic subjects. He is tired of the endless bouts of exams, quizzes. The new me just wants to live life. Take the back seat for a while and do the things he should have done when he was younger. It was the academe who stole those which the old me missed.

Now, I am unleashed from the school rules. I wear whatever I want to wear. I swear whenever I want to. I go wherever I can afford to go to. The new me wants freedom from the academe. The new me wants love. Love that I want.

I've had enough of academic recognition. I want something else.

I will not deny that graduating with honors did help me clinch this job. I will not deny that a good academic record ensures me of a bright future. But what is happening to me now? I'm not who I used to be academically. Have I learned, after all that has happened to me, that honors do not matter? That I would have rather been dumber than be the person I am now? That I would have gladly exchanged some points in my GWA for a better physical appearance or for heterosexuality? For richer parents or for a normal brother?

Yes. Yes! I would if I could. Being intelligent didn't bring me the one I want. The one I think I love. Intelligence is bullshit! You can all have it.

We all want what we do not have - that's quite proven. But it just galls me to think that there are luckier people out there in the world. People born into rich families. People with complete sexual identities. People who can be closer to the ones they love because they look good. Intelligence is shit!

I am not blind though. My honors will bring me money someday, and with more money I can improve myself. But can love be bought?

Intelligence is bullshit!