On The Fulcrum

I've never been in this state before.

I'm hot. Fevered, I mean - not exactly what the term means to most of you. But in a way, that also applies to my present condition, too... Oh shit, I am hot.

It's coming... It's coming soon! And I'm sooo nervous about it... I have to vent this out somewhere or I'll explode like a... like a... firecracker! Kaboom!

I have hours. Hours left before it happens. If I already feel like this now, what would I feel when that time comes? Will I totally lose my head and my control on myself? Or will I be as stiff as... never mind.

This will be a turning point in my life. It's the turning point. Will I say goodbye to all I hoped I could be? My foot is raised, ready to step on to the next level. I just hope that after this, things will be clearer for me. I'm now given a chance to balance the scale and see which one has gold and which one has fool's gold. (Ha! That might be a quotable quote for you.)

This is it. This is IT! (Sorry for the annoying redundancy. I just type what I have in mind.) Fucking hell but... this is IT!!!

But what if plans go awry? Will I be disappointed or relieved? Relieved I guess, at first (for a few milliseconds perhaps?), then disappointed after. And then my cycle will go round again. Then, I will write another entry about this. And rave about it. And I will say "This is IT!" again.

I'm old enough for this. I'm even too old, in my opinion. I've done my hiatus. I've taken my time to reflect, but nothing has changed. I'm a boulder resting on top of a hill. One push, and I will be going down on the other side like an avalanche. Nothing, then, will be able to get in my way. Nothing will be able to get in the way of Bry the Bi!

Still, no matter how much I write about this, I will never be able to guess what the aftermath of this decision will be. All I know is that my whole life led to this moment. All the drama I've let out here, all the vague pain I've been experiencing... Finally, I will be able to get some answers. After this -- and that will happen a few hours from now.

The day has come. And the clock is ticking...

Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!