And yet here comes another blog entry about bullshit (a.k.a. LOVE).
The die is cast. And its spinning inside of me, not in my head like Mat Cauthon, but in my sore and rotten region - my heart. I have valid and strong reasons for not doing it now, but I've convinced myself a long time ago that this is something I should do. I don't feel him much anymore, I think. And instead of amusing myself with other men at present, I thought that perhaps, I'd rather go with a Pussycat Doll. Loosen up my buttons... (drool)
I always want what I do not have - that's a realization I got from talking with Jel and Fai. Now that I'm free to go with men, I begin thinking I don't like it, too. What will happen to me if I go on this way? Someone should snatch me, I think. This time, I don't want to do much of the active part in relationships. Fall in love with me. But then again, I'm not so sure if I would like that, too. Try if you want. Anyway, it's useless telling you that here. I'm not looking here anyway...
"It's me, not you," was a new perspective in looking at this bullshit problem of mine. Sometimes, I feel like all these doesn't matter anymore. Perhaps I am only in love with the idea, not with him. The idea of someone like that... Shit, I'm gay. But with him, I do not care what you say. For the others, well... I could be as straight as a rod!
But do I really want to change what I'm feeling? Do I really want to escape? No, I think. Because I'm a big TANGA in these issues, and I'm standing up to that reputation because I like, no, I love pain.
I was pushed away. Why? Did not explain. All the time, I thought it was my mistake. I kept blaming myself for I destroyed even our friendship. But now I knew, "It's me, not you."
And it's on its way to him now. Don't know if he'll take it or not. Like it or not. But in my heart of hearts, I fervently wish that he'll take it, and like it, and feel it. That's the only compensation for losers like me. That's my small way of showing him - "Hey, you gave me hell you know that? But I still... well, I think I still like you despite that. Even if you don't like me, know that you've got me. Sometimes, I'm not very okay with that fact too, but it's real so no need for me to hide it and pretend like I've moved on. Always been and always will be under my skin.
"I don't fancy being with you anymore. I don't fancy big things like that. I'm just hoping to come across you, and ignore you. Ignore you like how you ignored me. But unlike you, I'm ignoring you because I know that there's still that something. Otherwise, I would have said hello. Is that your reason why you ignored me, too?
"I would have liked to talk to you personally. I would have liked to know what you've been up to lately. And most of all, I would have liked you to explain why you did this to me. Imagine, if I did not come across you, what would I have been doing at this moment? (My blog would have been non-existent, for one thing.) I want you to reject me in my face. I'm so hungry, I'll go for scraps of your attention. That even if you're very mad or very annoyed at me, at least I got you to think of me for a few seconds.
"Deep inside, I know that I'm nourishing something dead. Dead in you. But that hope is what keeps me going these days, do you know that? That is the only thing which makes me really smile. My other smiles are nothing but muscle movements. And someday, perhaps, I'll find someone new. But I know that you'll always be in my thoughts because you're the one I never had. You're nothing but a dream. And that's the only place left to me where I can meet you.
"Even in my dreams, you're cold. You're angry. You ignore me. But even so, that's enough for me, because you've taken our friendship away. You've taken away the only thing I can cherish about us besides love. Now I'm left with scraps. No not even. I must accept the truth. I'm left with NOTHING. I'm just reliving my memories. Every minute spent with you. Every small thing I can associate with you. That's all you've left me with."
If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you
If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
Trace your steps with my fingertips
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you
Hmm... parang nawala ung isang previous post (Ayoko Sa Iyo). I guess that was too difficult to read (but easier to write).
ReplyDeleteWhat is this "other side" supposed to be? An adventure? A discovery? Or is it really supposed to be something?
At the beginning, you were doing well. But now, it appears you're not so well yourself.
Perhaps it's true... that the only way to remove that fear that makes you uneasy & "not well" is for rejection to come in concrete terms. I don't know who will, though - you or him? At least after that, both of you could exit... unless it's a pleasure to prolong your pain. And it's not only yours to claim, that pain, but also... to those important people around you. They have been suffering too! All this uncertainty and insecurity in the air's contagious. It's sad.
Don't mind me. I'm learning all that I can from you even until now. Thanks.