And moments like that, when they come at you, you don't just say "Ok." They take a while to settle. You need to smoke some cigs while you mull it over in your head. You need to wallow in it a bit. And so that was what I did. It was early in the morning, very early, around 3. And I felt so intense I just had to pace a bit in our living room.
And the answer I found was that I should live to help the others really live. That the things I've understood must not go to waste. It must not end with my death. What I've found, it must be shared. My life had been pushing me to become the center of a rebellion. A rallying point. A catalyst of change. I did not really ask for it but there it came and here it is and I might as well go on and see it through the end. Live it through and see what will come out of this. Not everyone can take this place. Not everyone can grow into it. So I might as well step up to the role.
That very few can see the world without bias and accept it for what it really is. That very few are willing to sacrifice their selfishness for the benefit of all. That very few are willing to take the first steps to really fight for freedom and equality. There are already very few of us and if I die, who will this world have left? I must live. I must see it through. I must do my part. I only have a limited time in this world so I might as well spend it meaningfully. And what ca be more meaningful than to help others find meaning? How it all fits. How it was as clear as day, this morning, while I was pacing in my living room.
But just this evening, on my way back from work - tired, my feet sore, stuck in traffic. This evening, with my head leaning on the window, this cloud of dark thoughts formed over my head. That yeah, the things I realized this morning may have been right, but is this world really worth it? And then I thought of how unfairly this world had treated me. How silly most people are. How stupid. How incapable. Is this world worthy? I'm going to burn my life away for these people around me? And I answered with "No. Hell no."
Because I'm tired. I just want things to stop for a bit. I just want to stop working for a bit. I just want to catch my breath. But my parents are incapable. The rest of my family is incapable. I must keep running and I'm tired. Just one year. Just a few months? I'm tired and I deserve a break. I just want to fall by the wayside. There was this one guy I thought I can lean my head on for a bit. But I think he doesn't want me like that. They all need just this one thing from me and he's only going to use me up till I'm dry. Now I'm done. I want to be done with him. You go ahead and move forward. You go ahead. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I'm done. You go and take care of what I haven't finished. I deserve a break don't I? I've been working real hard. Grant me this wish. Let me go.
Let me go, people. I don't think I'm really made to last long in this world. I'm not healthy and I think too much. I'm not equipped with what it takes to survive in this society. I can't change and conform to your silly rules. People like me, we burn brightly then we die quickly. And I feel like I'm on my last legs. So give me permission to surrender. Tell me that you will understand so I will not have the burden of explaining.
Let me go, please, tell me. Give me your permission. I want to die with my conscience clean. I would have loved to see this through but I'm tired and I don't think I can go on anymore.
One drink and I'm gone. Just one drink and it's over.
Let me go will you please let me go.
Please.
Let me go.
I'm done and you go on without me.
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