Success

Graduation done, and everybody's off to different directions. The competitiveness of the undergrad years still remains in some of my batchmates. They want to know who's above whom. Who leads the batch. Who's way up there. Who's way nowhere. You, where are you now? Up the ladder, or down it? Are you even with us?

Everybody's talking about their future. Their plans. Everybody is boasting about their dreams, their prospects. Their fame and fortune, supposedly. Everybody wants to say I've been here, I've been there. I'm going to continue my studying, my work way over there. The States, Japan, Europe. Australia, the UK, Canada. Here? I'm not going to stay here. Nobody stays here. They say they want to be like Dr This or Dr That, graduates from the University of Richville, not in the Philippines.

Am I one of them?

My short-term plan includes finishing my MS here in UP while teaching. I'm not giving up teaching. NO way. I'm having so much fun. But sometimes, I do feel the need to go out of my comfort zone. I should go out there. Out of the country, I mean. I won't learn much if I stay within UP's nonexistent walls my whole life.

So, will I go out there? Yes. But hopefully, not too soon. Where? I don't know. Honestly, I don't have real plans about that yet. My view of my future ends one year from now.

I should be afraid of that. Successful people are said to be long-term planners. They see where and what they will be ten years from now. Even twenty. I'm not like that. So does it mean I will not be successful like them? Why don't I have their drive? Why am I not pushing myself to work like a cart-horse while I'm still young?

I've been a rebel since I went through Chemsoc. I find a unique pleasure in not following what the good life, what society wants me to do. But that doesn't mean that I'm growing stagnant after my two years of working as an instructor.

Being an instructor is an easy job. And I am thankful for that not because it fits my lazy and carefree attitude but because it has given me time to think about myself. I've worked so hard during  my high school and college years - my acads robbed me of time I should have devoted in discovering my sexuality, my personality. Being a teacher gave me the chance to do that and yet earn some money to sustain myself while I'm on this so called threshold of real life. Life as a mature individual, not as a student.

I'm thinking about this now because I've reached a point in my life where I am emotionally stable. I don't feel suicidal anymore. I don't feel melancholic. Somehow, through all the months that I've suffered, the Wheel has finally turned and now I'm in the relative "top".

Right now, honestly, I feel content. My love life is doing well. I've finally ditched Hunter out of my life. Personally, I can feel my growth. I'm improving. More mature than who I was. I'm doing well being an instructor. Financially, I have to be thankful for the Christmas bonus. Aesthetically, (hmmm) I'm doing what I can about that. Socially, I still have my friends and I'm gaining more.

I know that there is still room for improvement. I can earn more by doing other jobs. I can achieve higher grades in my MS if I only apply myself. But that isn't my focus in life right now. My goal is personal discovery, and I've done that already. That is why I feel content.

Now to set the next goal - what am I looking for next? That is what Dusk at Red Island will be about. I've opened the next phase of my life. I can finally move on to other things. Things I have in common with normal people.

But let's go back to my original question - where am I now, leading or lagging behind? My answer is neither. Me and my batchmates have entered a new phase, too. Each on our own paths we chose, and we cannot say whether one is successful or not by comparing his/her performance with others. Real life doesn't give marks to show whether you have done well or not.

Success is relative. Only I can say whether I've done well or not. So what if I have no concrete plans yet? Plans are nice to have, the grander the better. But in the end, do they really mean anything if you're not doing something about it?

Real life, for me, is beyond money. Beyond accomplishments. It's how you live it that really matters. I'm just thankful that somehow, despite the things that I lack, I am able to find contentment in this rollercoaster life that I have.