GF2BF

This holiday season, I realized that I'm almost always absent during family gatherings the past few years. I don't know why I have such low family feeling. I'd rather stay at home alone than mingle with my cousins and my other older relatives. Somehow, I've made myself an outcast - and I'm willing to make it last that way.

I can count with my fingers the few relatives that I tolerate being with. Some cousins, two or three aunts. They're the ones who like to go out with me on gimiks. Those who aren't square nor jologs (forgive me). It's like the connection that I used to have with most of my relatives was lost when I came to UP. It's true you know - UP does change people.

I know it's wrong, but something within me makes me feel this way. I have an idea that they, too, dislike me because I am not sociable with them. I don't talk to them unless they talk to me first. I keep aloof, talking to a select few who have the same wavelength as I do. It's just the same with how I treat my friends. If some people are quite unlike me, then I avoid being with them.

At present, I'm actually in a computer shop near the funeral homes where my dead grandma's brother lies. I'm here because my mom wanted me to accompany her since she'll be staying here all night until morning when the funeral will take place. Some of my relatives are here as well.

I even got in trouble the moment we arrived because I ignored one of my distant younger uncles while greeting my other relatives around him. Well, I was closer to my other cousins who were there, so did he expect me to hug him or make beso-beso? I hardly even know him. He was quite drunk, and his dad was the one who died after all, so his anger and contempt for me was understandable.

But what irritates me more is how my cousins continually ask for my girlfriend. Why are they so persistent? I've said we've broken up, and that's that. But I couldn't say that I've replaced her with a boyfriend though! Haha. I know, reader, I'm brave when I'm confronting my friends or peers but confessing to your distant relatives is another matter.

I have no desire of illuminating them at present because I cannot see any positive effect coming from "coming out" to them. A majority (if not all) of my relatives disagree on same-sex relationships, and none of my cousins are gay (although I'm quite sure on one or two but they haven't quite come out yet). I've mentioned that my relatives are proud of me for being in UP, graduating with honors, and being an instructor, (really, I can feel the spotlight) but if I add being bisexual to that, will that outweigh the others?

My younger cousins, who are probably sick of their parents pointing me to them as a role model, will look down on me once they learn of my sexuality. At their young age, they will follow what their elders think since they cannot yet understand "freedom" or "self-expression". They will not understand that sexuality is not chosen, or better put, they will not understand anything sensible at all. I want to be their role model, and to maintain that I have to keep mum about my sexual issues for the meantime.

Maybe that's the reason I am avoiding my other relatives after all.

***

On a lighter note, today is Cookie and me's SECOND MONTHSARY! Yahoo! Our plans for today (after the funeral, mind) are simple but sweet. HHWW PSSP along <toot>! Hahaha...

Oh by the way, Cookie will have a new more intriguing code name in my blog. From now on, I will call him Yummy.

Reader, I'm actually quite confused whether I'd still continue talking about us. I gave my stand on keeping our relationship quiet (yuck feeling artista talaga) but Yummy does like to read my entries about him... So I dunno. Bahala na. Basta mamaya makikita ko na ulit si Yummy! Hihihi...