Ang Love Affair (ng mga Tanga)

April 27, 2008

Dear Caramel,

Kaya hayun, change status ako sa friendster... Hindi mo lang alam, para sa iyo yun. Hindi mo lang alam, isinugal ko ang lahat para lang makasama ka. Hindi mo naman ako gusto eh. Alam ko naman yun. Isinugal ko ang lahat sa isang salita. Sa "maybe" na sinabi mo sa akin isang linggo na ang nakakaraan.

Sa "maybe" na sinabi mo nung sinabi ko sa iyo na gusto kong may sumagip sa akin.

Ang bilis nga ng mga pangyayari. Isang linggo lang ang lumipas at heto na agad ang mga nangyari. Break na kami. Naka isang timba na ako ng luha. Naka isang daang yosi na ako. Ilang galon din ng kape at beer. Nakagawa ka ng isang mortal na kaaway na hindi mo kilala. At ikaw, ano na ang nangyari sa iyo simula noon? Wala ka naman. Tago ka lang nang tago. Cancel lang nang cancel. Todo effort ako, maayos na ang usapan tapos biglang mang-iiwan ka. Tapos magpaparinig ka pa na gusto mo na talaga akong iwanan. As in for good. Gago ka ba?

Kapag malungkot ako, tatanungin mo pa ba kung bakit?

Samantalang ako, tuloy pa rin ang asa. Tuloy pa rin. Lalo na ngayon. Isang minuto, okay ka. Tapos bigla akong iiwanan sa ere. Bakit mo ba ako kailangang pahirapan nang ganito?

Masisisi mo ba ako kung kumakatok pa rin ako sa pintuan mo? Ano pa ba kasing magagawa ko? Talo na ako eh. Alam ko na yun di ba? Dati pa. Noong una ko pang pinasok 'to. Yung mga kaibigan ko, pinapalakas lang nila ang loob ko. Pero alam ko na alam nila na wala na talaga akong pag-asa sa iyo lalo na't kung anu-anong mga katangahan din ang pinaggagawa mo nitong huli. Ano pa nga bang magagawa ko kung hindi kumatok muli? Nandito na ako eh. Nakatawid na ako.

Huwag kang magulo.

Kapag nalaman kong ginagaya mo ang ginawa ni Natalie Portman sa "The Other Boleyn Girl"... Hay nako. Matutuwa ako. Magaling din ako makipaglaro. Mag-ingat ka.

Pero bilisan mo. Hinahabol ako ng boyfriend ko. Ayokong bumalik sa kanya nang walang pinatunguhan ang lahat ng luha ko para sa iyo.

Kung alam mo lang, Caramel. Huwag ka na kasi magpakatanga. Do I have to spell it O. U. T. for you?

Huwag kang dense. Hindi malaki ang hinihingi ko sa iyo. Konti lang. Sumama ka lang at masaya na ako. At kung bibigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon, ako mismo ang magdadala sa iyo sa langit.

Alam mo, kung itutuloy mo lang ang ginagawa mong ito sa akin, mas mahuhulog lang ako niyan eh. Kaya kung ayaw mo, harapin mo ako. Huwag kang magtago dahil mahilig ako manghabol. It's for your own good.

Nagmamahal,
Bigas, este Bryan

P. S.

Alam mo pareho tayong tanga. Pero kapag umalis ako, hahanap-hanapin mo din akong gago ka. Magpakatotoo ka na kasi. Huwag kang magtago sa maliit na librong dala-dala mo. Alam ko ang totoo. Alam nilang lahat.

Pero sa totoo lang, nagagalit na ako sa iyo. Mag-ingat ka. Magtino ko na kasi, kahit isang beses lang para matapos na 'to kung dapat ba itong tapusin.

BAKIT PA BA AKO NARITO?

Simple lang ang sagot. Ikaw ang nagpapasaya sa akin eh. Ikaw lang.

To Rainbow's End

April 27, 2008

Yah. Break na kami ng baby ko. He let me go. Kasi hindi ko na daw siya mahal kagaya nang dati. That I cannot deny. I need to find my way back to him, which I think is for the best.

Freedom?

The appalling thing is I haven't shed a single tear for him. I cry, true, but not for him. I guess I really have to find my old love for him again.

So why am I not crying? Because somebody else is making me happy. So, I know I shouldn't be like this but, I am rather happy too.

I feel guilty for hurting my baby so much. We talked yesterday and he was really devastated. I have to let him go through this. The reason why he is weak is because he lacks experience in these things. So I let him. Maybe when the time comes when we're both ready to start again, I will find in him the strength I need in a relationship.

In the meantime, I'm all set to chase after my dream.

I am going to Rainbow's End. It doesn't exist but I'm going anyway.

It rather feels good, doing what I want to do.

Halfway Through Summer

April 26, 2008

I'm a walking leaky faucet.

I've been crying everywhere and I don't care.

From Starbucks to Sarah's. From my bed to the classroom.

And I'm still patiently waiting for him to come and save me.

Because I've gone this far and it is too late for me to go back.

Because when you find your dream suddenly become unreachable, you are left with no other choice but to keep running after it.

No matter what.

You have to keep holding on to hope.

You have to keep going.

Because even if he doesn't see me the way I want him to see

Because even if he is blinded by powers untouchable by my influence

I want him to see how much he matters to me.

That even though I know we can never be together, I chose him because I believed in a dream.

I believe that he will come and save me.

I still do.

I mentioned, once in class...

That it doesn't matter whether what you believe in is true or not.

It's the fact that you believe

And you keep believing despite the odds.

Perhaps, one of these days, he will see

How strong I can be in holding on to a dream

I believe, reader

I believe that he will see.

***

And if he doesn't?

If he can't?

It wouldn't matter because I know I'll keep holding on anyway.

Even when I get tired

Even when I get drained from crying so much in so short a time

I'll go on because I believe in a dream.

The things I hear about you may bring me down

They may make me cry with hopelessness today

But tomorrow is a new day

And what is true today may be undone by tomorrow.

So I hope

And I believe

That one of these days, you will finally see.

I'll never stop trying until I'm done.

Ir's halfway through summer and my time is running out

Every day it gets harder to sleep

Every day my heart feels heavier

Every day I fall deeper

And bit by bit I lose hope

Bit by bit...

And when I look at my friends and see their similar dreams come true in front of my very eyes

When one day we're dreaming and the next day it's happening to them

I can't help but be a little bit hurt

Why can't it happen to me too?

My friends say that I deserve to be happy

Because I make many people happy

So why am I unhappy now?

Is this dream too much to ask for?

Oh, reader...

Why

can't

he

see?

***

Fools like me
Oh we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me

Tic toc the time
Distant look grows in your eye
But fools never ask
Afraid of what lurks in your mind
I always knew, somehow, always knew
I always knew the truth

Fools like me
Oh we never see
Cause the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
And it's breakin',
It's breakin',
It's breakin'
It's gotta break for me to see

At least I can say
I was not afraid
I loved you all the way
I'd pick the fool any day

-Vanessa Carlton
"Fools Like Me"

Pakialam

April 23, 2008

Wala akong pakialam. Kung hindi mo man ako gusto. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay gawin ang gusto kong gawin. Wala akong pakialam kung anuman ang sasabihin nila. Basta ako, gumagawa ako ng paraan para maipakita ko kung ano ang nararamdaman ko.

Wala akong pakialam. Kung teacher man ako at student kita. Wala akong pakialam. Kasi alam ko na kahit teacher ako, tao pa rin ako. Nagpapakatotoo lang naman ako. Sabi nila, trabaho kung trabaho. Pero kung wala naman akong ginagawa na ikasasama mo, bakit ako magpapapigil sa kanila? Ang gusto ko lang naman ay tulungan kita. Ano bang masama dun? Sino ba sila? Mas mahalaga ba sila sa akin? Ikaw ang gusto ko, walang hahadlang sa akin. Uunahin ko ang kaligayahan ko. Kaysa trabaho ko. Kaysa kung ano ang iisipin nila.

Ano ba ang gusto mo pang gawin ko? Sinabi ko na naman sa iyo, gusto ko lang maramdaman yun. Sinabi ko naman sa iyo, lahat gagawin ko basta mapasaya lang ang tao na iyon. Kung manhid ka, wala akong pakialam. Ang alam ko lang, ikaw ang gusto ko. Kahit na hindi mo alam. Kahit na ayaw nila. Kahit na masaktan ko siya. Ikaw ang gusto kong makasama at walang pipigil sa akin na maipakita ko iyon sa iyo.
Mali na kung mali. Wala akong pakialam. Ang alam ko lang, kung maayos ang lahat, hindi ako dadating sa lugar na ito. Ang alam ko lang, kung kuntento at masaya talaga ako, hindi ka darating at hindi mangyayari ito sa buhay ko.

Wala akong pakialam. Kung umiyak man ako pagkatapos nito. Wala akong pakialam. Kung iwanan man ako ng boyfriend ko ngayon, alam ko na hindi kami para sa isa't isa. Bakit kailangan ko magpanggap? Bakit ko kailangang magkunwari kung hindi tama ang nararamdaman ko? Kailangan ba talagang tama ang lahat?

Kung iiwanan man niya ako, wala akong magagawa. Dahil ito ang pinili kong gawin. At kung iiwanan man niya ako, alam ko na hindi ako para sa kanya. Alam ko naman, kahit ngayon, na may darating pa sa buhay niya na makakapagpasaya sa kanya. Yung hindi gagawa nang ganito sa kanya. Kasi ako, alam ko na gago talaga ako. Gago na kung gago. Pero alam ko na titigil na ang kagaguhan kong ito kapag nakilala ko na ang taong nararapat sa akin.

Kilala ko ang sarili ko. Kung mahal ko ang tao, marami akong kayang ibigay. Kahit na hindi man ako suklian ng pagmamahal. Kahit na hindi ako pansinin. Martir na kung martir. Ang ayoko lang , yung nagpapanggap.
Kung ikaw man ito o hindi, wala akong pakialam. Ang sa akin lang, at least nasubukan ko. Iyon lang naman iyon. Bakit ba hindi mo makita? Ano pa ba ang gagawin ko?

Wala akong pakialam, kung lolokohin mo man ako pagkatapos nito. Ang sa akin lang, naipakita ko na gusto kita. Yun lang. Ang alam ko lang, kung ikaw nga ang gusto ko tlaga... Kung natagpuan ko na ang katapat ko sa pagkatao mo, hahayaan lang kita. Kasi kaya kong maging martir. Kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, yun pa rin ang gagawin ko. Wala akong pakialam sa kanila.

Oo na, ikaw ang gusto ko. Oo na, natamaan ako sa iyo. Hindi ko ikakaila kung tanungin mo man ako. Oo na, umaamin na ako. Nasa iyo ang puso ko. Pisilin mo man at itapon, ayos lang basta nahawakan mo.

Alam ko na, kahit ngayon, na hindi mo ko magugustuhan. Alam ko na naman, na maiiwanan akong luhaan at sasabihan ng tanga ng lahat ng mga kaibigan ko dahil pinakawalan ko siya para lang sa iyo. Ikaw, na hindi ko kilala. Ikaw, na hindi man lang ako pinapansin. Masakit, pero wala akong pakialam! Kung kailangan ko mang masakan nang ganito para mapansin mo lang ako, kakayanin ko kasi ikaw ang gusto ko.

Tanga na ako. Oo alam ko. Pero wala akong pakialam kasi hindi ikaw ako. Hindi mo alam ang mga napagdaanan ko. Hindi mo talaga alam ang mga pangangailangan ko. Wala kang karapatan na pigilan ako kasi ayokong kalabanin ang sarili ko. Alam ko ang gusto ko, at walang pipigil sa akin.

Kahit na alam kong sinasaktan ko ang sarili ko.

Kahit na alam kong nagbubulag-bulagan ako.

Kung gusto ko, gusto ko talaga, at walang makakapigil sa akin.

Hindi ako duwag na masaktan. Hindi ako playing safe. Dahil alam ko, na may mas ikakasaya pa ako kaysa sa ganito. At hindi ako bibitiw hanggang hindi ko nakukuha iyon. Kung hindi man sa iyo, e di sa iba. Lalaban ako at lalaban.

Kung mapagod man ako at hindi na maniwala na may darating pa para sa akin. Kung mapagod man ako at magsawa sa ganitong klaseng buhay... Nandyan naman ang blade. Nandyan naman ang lason. Wala akong pakialam kung sabihin mo mang duwag ako dahil hindi ako ikaw. Wala kang masasabing matino kasi wala ka sa sitwasyon ko. Hindi mo ko kagaya na puro utak lang ang ginagamit. Hindi ako natatakot na mamatay dahil kung hindi ko man nakukuha kung sino ang gusto ko, ano pa ang silbi ng paniniwala ko sa mga pangarap ko?

Ano pa ang silbi ng buhay ko?

Naniniwala ako. Ano man ang mangyari sa akin dahil sa iyo, naniniwala pa rin ako.

Dahil ganito ako. At hanggang hindi dumarating ang taong nararapat para sa akin, magiging ganito pa rin ako.

So I Close My Eyes

April 22, 2008

So what if you do not want to see me in the evening? 
I can look at your picture before I close my eyes to sleep.

So what if you do not want to see me in the morning? 
I can visit you in your room and pretend that I'm seeing your friends instead.

So what if you do not want to see me in the afternoon? 
I can follow you out of the room and look at your back.

So what if you continue to elude my efforts to get closer and talk to you? 
I do not give up that easily and I still have several days left.

So what if you do not look at me when I look at you? 
Just the fact that you're there and I'm near is enough.

So what if you're attracted to another? 
I'm not bothered because I know I can give you so much more.

So what if I miss the moments when you laugh, when you stumble, when you close your eyes, when you put your clothes on, when you wake up, when you ride the jeepney, when you step on this piece of ground, when you breathe? I can...

I can...

I can make believe that I'm right beside you anyway.

I can make believe that you're here and I'm here, 
and ever so slowly I'll come and sit beside you. 
And I'll sit there and do nothing and I can even close my eyes because my heart is already full.

And nope. I can't touch you because you won't let me.

And nope. I can't kiss you because I'm with somebody else.

So I'll just sit beside you and make myself believe that you're happy with me beside you too.

And I will smile a shaky smile but the tears will come so I close my eyes so they won't come out. 

So I close my eyes because it is there where I can see you.

So I close my eyes because I don't want to see this room empty.

So I close my eyes so I won't see the truth.

That you're far away

That I'll never get to touch you

Nor be with you, even for a while 

Maybe tonight I'll figure things out

And maybe when I wake up I'll be fine

But I know that tomorrow you'll be there again

To remind me that you can't be mine

So I close my eyes...

so I won't see the truth

The Aftermath

April 21, 2008

Morning found me tired and wan. Got off my bed and looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror.

Went to the shower and looked down on myself, thinking whether it will be needed. Whether it will be enough.

Went through my clothes and settled on red. For rebellion. For blood and attention. Red, the first color of the rainbow. A new beginning.

Board shorts for summer. For the heat and for having fun. For wading through waters unknown. For drowning myself in the blue water of dreams and wishes, hoping to be saved before I touch bottom.

To school and to work. To the photocopying machine. To my transparencies and to the lesson. Thinking. Preparing.

To the front of the class. To hoping what I feel wouldn't show. For decorum. For professionalism.

Then, a stray look. Unguarded eye movements. Uncontrolled blushing and smiles. Mortified yet excited. Still as calm water.

Then I knew

That he knew

And a voice in my head echoed...

FOUL!
Closer to the night. To the appointed hour when what should have happened didn't happen.

To finding myself on my bed, alone and weeping. To crying out to God, surprisingly, asking why I've been denied of this simple wish for so long. To telling myself what had happened will happen again and again to my life. I knew all along. Yet I wanted to feel the rush of the wind against my face one more time.

Forever dreaming. Forever trying. Forever denied.

Realizing that no matter how big I believe myself to be, I will never be big enough to have what I really want. Dreams don't come true. The songs tell me not to give up on my dreams, and I was faithful to them. I held on, believing that that is the right attitude.

But they lied.

And instead of being close to him, I was lying on my bed defeated and humiliated. Stripped off of the dreams which have kept me going all these years. I have never really given up on them despite the pain. All these years. And with their loss, I felt my soul transform into something darker and more forbidding. A darker knight.

And then I knew that I will never be the same again.

And then I knew, lying on my bed, my pillow wet with tears... I knew that I can never go back. That some things die within you. The rainbow, my supposedly magical summer, swallowed by the blackness of what is real. My dreams... Lost. The magic I've hoped for all these years... leaking out of my eyes.

The world... is harsh.

Night found me tired and wan. Got off my bed and looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror.

Nothing, really, has changed.

Danger Zone

April 20, 2008

I am sad that I'm going to "cheat" on my baby tomorrow night. I am sad and I feel guilty... But there's no other way for me to improve myself. Summer always makes me feel reckless... and finally here's someone I like who will spend time with me. I just want to know how it feels like... To be with someone you really like even if you're not going to do romantic things.

I have to know now. I'm getting older and with age will come limited possibilities. I just want to know how it feels like. I just want to feel how it is to fall again. I just want that excitement again. That magical feeling... I want to make my dream come true. Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong in trying to feel what I've never felt before?

Yes. Because I'm going to hurt my baby. But as I've said, I don't think we'd really be doing anything which can be considered as cheating. It's all in my head and for poor poor foolish people like me, that is enough motivation to go through with it.

But will I really stop there? Will I continue to pursue what my heart has longed for for ages? Will I still hope for what I've never had from hunter and alpha? The first cut is the deepest. Hasn't my baby healed those scars already?

I want a hero, reader. I'm tired of taking the lead. For once I want to feel how it is to be taken away to heaven and to the stars. All these years I've been on my feet, taking that girl/guy in my arms and taking him/her away... I want to be the one swept away this time. Even just once

I sense another healthy serving of fresh and raw heartaches for my stupid heart.

Oh blog... I don't know what to do. I know my heart and it will never change. If I don't do it now, it will just happen again to someone else.

I know that this is wrong but I can hardly control how I feel. I can hardly control my brain from plotting how to get him and be with him. I can't force myself not to think of him. I cannot stop myself from being happy. I have no control over my heart and I know that whether I do it or not, our relationship will suffer all the same. Better to get it over with and learn while it's still early.

Oh blog... I just cannot pretend. Even through text messages, I can't press that smiley letter U if I really don't feel it. And so my baby knows that I'm not the same.

Is it just me? Why does this happen if I'm getting my due from my baby?

Stability.

Didn't think that word would trigger me to run away from him like this.

Oh reader... I don't know what to do.

I should be sad, putting our relationship at stake. I should be. But the greater part of me is excited on what might happen tomorrow. I'm about to do something which may lead me to my own ruination (or to nirvana). I don't want to hurt people anymore... It doesn't feel good but I am who I am. When karma comes, I just have to pay for all of this...

Oh my baby, I don't know what has happened to me...

Somebody... My hero... Please save me

Why am I... like this?