Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Scientist

Reality check - I'm already three years into my straight-PhD career in chemistry, but I'm still feeling rather lost about my life. Where am I really going? Am I really fully decided on fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a scientist?



I remember way back in elementary school when people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up. "To be a scientist" was always my ready answer since I was a very curious child, always wanting to know the why and the how about stuff. I thought it would be fun being a scientist, inventing stuff and mixing chemicals. Discovering new things and winning Nobel prizes. But now that I am really on that path (too late) I realized something - it is not that easy. Not at all.



There are two major things wannabe scientists have to go through - the course work and the research. The former, I can handle well enough. It is a passive thing. You go to class, you listen, you study, and you pass the exams. That's it. But conducting your own research is... umm... quite beyond me, at present. I'm the laziest person in the world, even eating is a chore for me.



In doing research, you have to set a rigid schedule, do experiments on time, buy your own reagents, arrange stuff... Just the thought of meeting deadlines, having no time for yourself strangles me. What if, in the middle of the experiment, I felt like resting a bit? What if suddenly, I felt like I'm not enjoying what I'm doing anymore? What will my adviser say?



Rhay knows I only went through my undergraduate thesis because of her rigid time frame. Left to myself, I would probably leave everything undone til March, postponing every activity, procrastinating everything I might not have graduated on time.



With exams, you can cram. And you can think on the spot while taking it. But experiments cannot be crammed - procedures take time, instruments have to be conditioned, etc. etc! I'm just not organized enough for it.



Recently, I've been attending seminars by scientists who have gone abroad where they studied and did their research, and one of them said that if, at this age, we haven't started our own researches yet then we're going nowhere.



So that means I am going nowhere?



Frustration. The drive is there within me. I know it. I still have that childhood thirst to study about something and do actual experiments and learn something new. But I do not have the initiative. I need somebody to force me to do it, like what Rhay did on our theses. But isn't that what the Institute is already doing to us graduate students?



I've taken it easy since I graduated from college. I needed to take a step back from busyness and enjoy my life a little. But now that I've been to the other side of life, I feel like I don't want to go back to the rigid world of science anymore.



But time is running out. I have to go back. Maybe three years of resting is enough.



I want to be a scientist. I want to be called a doctor. I can do what needs to be done.

Friday, February 8, 2008

When I Die

When I die, I want to be cremated. I don't want my loved ones to look down on my dead body. I don't like the idea that they'll remember me lying there, lifeless. I want them to see me in their minds while I was alive. I want to be remembered that way. I don't want to be seen wearing formal clothing barefoot. Not my style. Also, whatever healthy organs I still have when I die, I will gladly donate. Or perhaps they can be sold. I don't care.



On my wake, I don't want people to think too much about whether I'll be in heaven or not. That topic is taboo. I don't need them to pray for me, though I can hardly stop them I suppose. I'm not sure worrying will do much good and it will only give them headaches. I won't be bothered about the traditional "40 days". Remembering me is enough. There is no need to pray for the peace of my soul. I am responsible for my actions while I was still alive.



I suppose I can't get around the priest's ceremony or the occasional group prayers. I don't know what my parents and friends will do. That ceremony will be for the older ones, my relatives. They need that. Anyway, no matter what my or my friends' beliefs are, that will serve as a time for reflection. On me, of course.



I want complete silence on my wake. Whispers are allowed. Sobs are allowed. Laughter is allowed only if it was caused by memories of me. If you want to play card games or want to talk about something else, I suggest you do it outside where I cannot hear, though I know I won't be able to scold those who are noisy. You may talk about how I died.



I trust my parents will choose a suitable picture, to be placed next to my ashes. Maybe they'd use my grad pic. Though I'd prefer it if all my album covers were there instead, except perhaps for the "Lovely" cover since that would scandalize my conservative relatives. I want a lot of pictures displayed, showing the different phases of my life. I require pictures taken when I was a toddler, when I was in elementary, in high school, in college, after college. I require pictures with my family, with my relatives, with my friends, with my students, with my pet cat Baby. I want a picture of me and my real Baby there, and I'd trust my Baby to defend his right if my parents will object. I want pictures of me caught in a happy moment, in an emotional moment. Pictures with meaningful special effects.



I want people to see my pictures and think on them. To catch glimpses of how I lived my life. I want them to think on how reserved I was in the beginning and how I slowly opened up to the world. I want them to learn from my mistakes, and follow the things I did right.



I want a video presentation to be shown just before my funeral. The soundtrack will be songs from my albums. The video presentation should include excerpts from my blogs, pictures of objects which are dear to me, including letters, gifts from my students, personal possessions. If possible, I want my written works printed (including those not published in the internet) and published as a book to be given to those who want copies. Copies of my albums, most probably my greatest hits, should also be made available to those who want copies.



I don't want to think about funds. I don't have enough money to pay for every expense. I guess I'd escape that responsibility. I sure am sorry for dying on you penniless. But I know I am worth every dime you contribute to my funeral expenses. I'd try to repay you in some way. I am a grateful person. Maybe you can sell my written works or my albums.



I want all my past students to be there. It is my last requirement. I want them to reminisce on our class. I want them to talk to my other students and remember as many memories as they can. I want them to talk to me, no matter how silly that may seem. It will mean very much to me. I want them to cry, if possible. Because wherever I may be at that time, I'm surely crying for them, too.



I want my pet cat to be there, too. I want my friends to talk to him and explain that I am gone and will never be able to hug him or pet him again. I want him to understand, too. That cat loves me.



I want my friends to comfort my parents. I think my parents will really be devastated with me gone. I need my friends to be strong for me. I am a coward, you know. With me dying early, I am able to escape a lot of responsibilities, including the deaths of my loved ones. I don't want to die this early. But somehow, it's rather okay because I tried to live the fullest life I can. I was ready. I've always been aware than I'd die sooner or later. If I wasn't, this entry will not exist.



I'd miss being alive. Just thinking of me dying makes me cry. What a silly idea, writing this entry. But I should be prepared. With this entry, I ensured that I will be remembered the way I want to be remembered. That my last wishes will be followed.



My baby will be the one to explain these wishes to my parents. If my baby cannot, it will be Rhay. If Rhay cannot, it will be Esme.



I don't want the priest to dictate how my funeral will be carried out. My wishes should be given utmost importance. I want speeches to be made during my final ceremony. Someone should arrange what the order should be. My only requirement is, aside from their speeches being meaningful, they should be honest. I don't want them to gloss over the things I've done wrong, or try to inflate the small things I've done. After their speeches, the audience should get to see me in another light, and will therefore get to know me more.



I want this part read aloud on that same ceremony:



To my students, I've reminded you that anytime we can die. Remember the fun we've had inside and outside the classroom. I've learned a lot from you. Remember me, and spread the word. Live your life to the fullest while you can. This is my last lesson.



To my friends, God I'd miss all of you so much. I am lucky to have been surrounded by such good friends as you. This is rather hard on me, you know, dying, and I want you to be strong, okay? You can cry. Come on, cry. (Pause until sobs are heard) This is my last attempt to make you laugh.



To my family, please accept it that I am gone. Mommy, remember what you told me? Things like this should be accepted and not questioned. Kung may lungkot, may ligaya.



To my baby, hey...