Wednesday, March 28, 2012

What I Did Last Summer

It has been two years since I got off that tricycle to the Bulacan countryside. It really wasn't that rural an area, but for a city boy like me, wide swathes of grass, some chickens crossing the cracked concrete road with cows mooing in the distance, and the general derelict look of the simple houses spelled province for me.

I was standing by the gate of their village, and I saw him then walking towards me. It was only last night when we had this SMS row. He accidentally sent me a message meant for another guy. And although we weren't officially together, I felt I had the right to demand his faithfulness towards me. Despite the lameness of his excuses, I found myself conceding. Because no matter how I hid it from myself, I still liked him. Very much.

He reached me then, and I noticed how he couldn't quite look me in the eyes. At least he was ashamed of last night - that one goes in his favor. On hindsight, I realized I was always looking for things which would put him in a good light when all along I only wanted him to stay because it was his body I wanted. Or maybe it was his warmth when we were lying together. Was there really a difference?

He picked up one of my bags and we hailed a tricycle back to somewhere closer to civilization. And as I sat beside him, and his distinct man-smell reached me, I felt strangely complete. I leaned closer to him, to this guy who made me feel taken care of. To this guy who kept turning my world upside down and yet helped me put the pieces back again. We are going to start anew, I thought then. And I felt excited for the days ahead. I was bringing him home for the summer.

***

The soft yellow lights of the wall lamps of our living room were on, illuminating the soft smooth lines of his face and his body. We were sitting on the mattress of my bed which I pulled from my room, and he was crying on my shoulder. He was so scared, he said. His parents were always fighting. His violent father and his older brother were always beating him up because he was gay. There was always trouble in his house and at times, he said, he felt like going mad. I felt like crying myself and I hugged him so tight and tried to reassure him. I'm here, I told him. I may not be much but I'm going to do what I can. And he hugged me tighter, and in that I found an immense pleasure. Not only because I like to feel him so close to me but also because I felt like I was giving him something he had been looking for all this time. My father found us in the morning with our arms still entangled in each other.

***

We spent our summer days just whiling away the hours on my bed. He was shirtless most of the time, and I was pleased because he really was one of the guys who you'd prefer seeing undressed. We'd just tease each other on the bed, alternately tickling and wrestling, our pants mixed with our laughs. Exhausted, we'd just lie beside each other, staring at the ceiling and talking about our future plans together. And as I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat fast, I wished I could have made that one moment last forever. I used to only read about such silly things in books before but hell, that was the only time I felt that myself.

One day, Mom told me that she and the rest of the family were leaving to visit my relatives. It was the first time I will be having the house to myself and my guy. And at the sound of the gate being closed, we wasted no time in taking each other's clothes off. We hurried up my room and we made love like I've never made love to any other before him. So this is what it really feels like, I thought to myself as he was lying on top of me, sweaty and intense. I found myself gasping his name over and over and my mind flew away and I got myself lost in him. Everything was him. I was so caught in that moment, never knowing that that will be the last time I'd ever do something like that again.

And that was how I got sick.

***

Weeks later, we were waiting on one of the benches in the University Infirmary. He had to pick me up at my dorm because I was so ill I couldn't leave by myself. I could barely walk. I felt like I was this pregnant girl being accompanied by her boyfriend, waiting for the doctor's announcement on my condition. My salary that time was delayed, and we had to wait there hungry and had to split between us the little money he had with him to buy something to eat. He may have done so many bad things to me but the fact that he was there with me when I needed him most seemed to erase all of those. We couldn't hold hands out in the open, but I know that if only we could he would have squeezed my hand to reassure me that everything was gonna be okay.

***

It has been two years since that summer and I find myself now sitting on the couch where we used to cuddle. Where he used to lay his head on my lap as a way for him to say sorry (he wasn't as eloquent as I am) and where I used to give him head. Where he used to give me a swift kiss just to calm me down because I was spitting mad at him. My friends told me I deserved someone better, and I agree. And yet the emptiness of this couch still reminds me of those days when once, I felt the warmth of the summer.


Monday, March 19, 2012

A Good Night

My feet were beginning to ache from walking around aimlessly at Gateway. And I was already running out of ideas on how to while away the seemingly indefinite waiting time. I've checked out the sleek and chic tops (perfect for work) at Memo, the amazingly skinny shorts (perfect for summer) at People are People, and the CD's (without any plans of buying) at Odyssey and still, he kept asking me to wait a little longer. Twice, I've thought of texting him that I'll be on my way home but then, since I already took the effort of getting there (and effort it was since I had to squeeze myself into the LRT), I might as well get on with it. Who knows, this date might just turn out to be great. For a change, I thought.

The week before that, I had this horrible first date with writer guy. I had to travel all the way to Pacita, only to be... horrified. From my skin, I can still faintly smell my dread of being physically and emotionally raped but then, this new guy seemed not as desperate. And he was much better looking besides.

Exhausted, I settled on an egg-shaped chair in the cinema waiting area, stretching my legs and getting sideways looks from the other gays who were thick as flies in that mall until he texted me that he was on his way. I went down the escalator and waited for him at the Foodcourt.

It was another thirty minutes until he came into my view. He was wearing a Thomasian black shirt, paired with nice-fitting jeans and loafers. He was more effeminate than I thought, but he fit his clothes well. His arms were well-shaped, and his face strangely familiar. He looked a lot like one of my ex's in person. He was a catch, all in all, and I found myself strangely conscious of my own body, and cursed the pimple protruding from my right eyebrow.

We had dinner, and we made some small talk. Although in truth, I did more listening than talking. I found out that he was a teacher also, and he went on about his teaching experiences, never asking me stuff about myself until the conversation begged for him to do so. It was okay, though. He was cute, and I loved how he playfully smashes his water bottle whenever I tease him about some small thing. He did not eat much because his belly was becoming larger, he said. He was obviously a health buff. And that did not bode well for the chances of him liking me.

The janitor was beginning to mop the floor and put up the chairs when we were done (he only ate half his food) and we decided on having some coffee. I loved how he was not afraid of touching my arm and leaning on me occasionally. I thought that those must be signs that he doesn't find me repulsive at the least.

I enjoyed listening to him talk more while I drank my caramel macchiato, and for once I wasn't smoking because he said he was allergic to cigarette smoke. He said I can smoke but I should stay 100 feet away from him (as if he was a gasoline truck). I said if I can wait for him for two hours, I could stand not smoking for the night. It was a trial though, and I really had to put my arms around my neck to resist lighting a stick.

Once, as his lips were sucking on the straw of his vanilla ice-blended, he gave me a lidded look and smiled (he has a really cute smile). I wasn't sure if he was trying to be provocative but I sure was provoked, and I found myself mesmerized (really I was) and I had to pull myself away from his stare. "What?" he asked teasingly. "Nothing," I said, hiding my smile in my cup. My, what a lucky guy I was that night.

After, he insisted on taking a walk because he said his tummy was so full he needed the walk to burn the fat. I chanced a feel at his tummy and I said he was overreacting. "Care for a donut?" I said as we passed by Krispy Kreme, and he pulled my arm and we playfully flirted right then and there in the open. I've never felt like that in a long while. That feeling of being with somebody who is not ashamed of expressing how he feels about you.

"So, where are we going?" he asked after minutes of walking around (for the second time for me, aimlessly) around Cubao and immediately I thought of taking him to a motel but I was too damned shy to say it out loud. "Where do you want to go?" I asked. "Anywhere is fine with me," he answered.

That must have been a go signal but I had to summon my courage until I led him in front of Eurotel. "Do you mind if we stay here for the night?" I asked. He said "Okay", with a touch of coyness I found endearing. "I was pointing at Chowking, not the hotel," I joked, and he patted me playfully on the arm. "Oh I hate you," he said.

All the time, I was waiting for hints that he really does not want to sleep with me (because really, it wasn't a fair trade) but when we were on the bed, he was the first one who pulled me to him. He was so strong I felt mildly manhandled, and then he paused and said "You're wearing something I'm not wearing."

"What is this, a pop quiz?" I joked. And I racked my brain for the answer. Was it a riddle? Was it a sex-related joke? Awkward minutes passed by with me sitting on top of him, still clueless on how to answer his question, until he took my hands and guided them to the answer. All I was able to say was, "Oh..."

He was good, I admit. Both in the obvious and in the emotional aspects of it, and I found myself trapped in my own head, wondering at how good and patient he was with me. And I felt first hand things I've only watched before.

Hours later, we were watching the motel TV, with him lying on my tummy. I was caressing his muscular back and his hand was stroking my thigh, and I once again, I thought if there was a chance we could be together. There were things I disliked about him, that was true, but he was so fun to be with. He was cute, and he was good! But that mature part of me reminded me not to be carried away, and it pointed out the sheer ease of how he did this whole thing. He was an expert at these things. And to be an expert, he must have had lots of practice.

He fell asleep first and I dimmed the lights because I saw his eyes squinting (yes I was watching him sleep because I'm romantic that way), and when I snuggled back beside him, his hand reached for me and he hugged me. I looked at his sleeping face for a few more moments and wondered at how I got him there with me at all. I've had terrible dates since this year began but looking at him there beside me made me think it was all worth it. This time, I won.

The phone rang and it was time for us to leave. He was so sleepy I felt guilty for dragging him into staying the night with me. With my help, he was able to sit on the bed, even though his eyes were still closed. The first thing I noticed was how disheveled his hair was, and so I took his comb and attempted to flatten his hair.

I was doing too much, I thought, and that was not good because that would indicate desperation. And once I've roused him enough, I settled on just waiting for him to get dressed, stealing looks at how perfect his chest was, reflected on the dresser's mirror. A last hug before we closed the door behind us, and off to the elevator we went.

The early morning air was fresh and clean, and I asked him if he would like to have some breakfast. "No," he said. "Coffee?" I asked. "No, you've done enough," he told me.

We reached EDSA and he told me to cross to the other side, but I insisted on waiting for him first to catch his northbound bus and he said okay since he took off his contacts and couldn't read the bus signs well. His bus came too soon and before he walked away, he turned around, smiled, and thanked me for my time. Somehow, I knew then that that was the last time I'll ever see him.

My mother was sweeping outside when I reached home. I looked fresh and clean, not the usual look she'd expect from someone who she thought spent the night drinking. She never asked questions though, and I went directly to my bed and noticed for the first time how my knees and elbows were beginning to get sore. I checked my phone, hoping he would text me that he got home safely but I had no new messages. I woke up in the afternoon, and still, no messages from him.

Another time, I would have moped about it. Another time, I would have wept at the idea of him not texting anymore. Another time, I would have been confused why he was so sweet and how we were okay together but in the end, he did not want to keep me. But my biggest emotion it turned out was awe at how I was learning to play this game. That sometimes, you just enjoy the moment and that's it. That things on the surface shouldn't always be given weight.

It may not have lasted but I'm okay, and perhaps it really was better that way. I had a good night, and that is that.






Sunday, March 11, 2012

Electrique Finally Unveils Album #27: "Revelations"

Hello friends!

Yup, here I am again with a new compilation album (already my 27th!) and I am so happy that through the seven years of the official existence of Electrique Music, I was really finally able at last to hone my craft. The making of this album was one of the most difficult, since in the past months I've had so many album ideas and I couldn't settle on one. Not to mention the lack of inspiration since no tumultuous event has happened to me lately. But after talking to a couple of friends, I've finally decided to make a "love" album since it has been a while since I last talked about it. My past four albums had been quite heavy and serious on their themes, and I just had to lighten up the mood.

Over the many conversations I've had, it never fails to amuse me that many of my friends find that the relationship me and Rhay had (and how we are still friends now) was nothing short of spectacular, and that our story was a source of inspiration for them. And so, I've decided that what was "us" will be the theme of my next album. I do know that our unconventional love story, from a purely artistic view, was indeed awesome. And I thought that the time is ripe to further preserve our memories together before it becomes harder for us both to recall those good ol' times.

I am very happy with how this album turned out. It is very catchy. And I've never felt as proud to share my work as I've had with the well-received "Icarus". I took my cue from the sound of the latter album. I made it more fun and more accessible to my younger listeners. I have a very good plot going on in here, and after listening one will have a sense of that "feel good" vibe one has after watching a very good romantic movie.

"Revelations" is an indie pop album, and it features some great bands like Fun., Sparkadia, Atlas Genius, Kids of 88, Gypsy & the Cat, and more!

You can download this whole album (plus some poignant album art) through the link below.

Thank you for enjoying this album with me. I assure you, I have grown as a "mixtape artist". This will be one of the best-sounding albums you'll hear.

Have fun!

Click the link below:

http://www.4shared.com/rar/14Z0eh4E/Electrique_-_Revelations.html



Thursday, March 1, 2012

Digri

Nanonood ako ng PACSiklaban noon. Nakaupo kasama ng mga audience habang pinapakilala ang mga judges na puro mga PhD. Napapa-wow ang mga tao habang binabanggit ang mga achievements ng mga hurado. Kung saan sila grumaduate ng PhD. Ang kanilang mga researches. Ang kanilang mga awards na natanggap. Talaga namang sila na talaga ang ilan sa pinakamahuhusay sa kapnayan sa bansa. Sila ang mga eksperto. At nasa audience lang akong nakatingin sa kanila. Humahanga at nangangarap.

Nagsimula na ang contest at habang kabado ako para sa mga estudyante ko ay may parte pa rin akong nakakaalala na minsan naging contestant din ako ng PACSiklaban. Manghang-mangha ako sa realization na iyon kasi galing na galing ako sa mga contestants. Minsan pala sa buhay ko, naging magaling din ako. Naging parte ako ng magaling na Team UP Diliman. Naging matalino. Para kasing hindi na ako iyong estudyanteng sumali sa contest pitong taon na ang nakakalipas. Para kasing sa sitwasyon ko ngayon, hindi ko na kayang maging matalino.

Nakita ko ang mga dati kong katrabaho sa UP Diliman na naging trainers para sa contest. Naramdaman ko ang pagka-iba ko. Na parang hindi na nga ako belong doon. Parang ang galing-galing nila dahil naipagpapatuloy pa nila ang pagkuha nila ng MS. Ako kasi, ano. Ako kasi napatalsik. Dropout. Bagsak. Wala akong nakuha.

Naisip ko din yung mga iba kong batchmates na kung tutuusin ay hindi kasing taas ng grades ko pero ngayon, sila na ag nag-pPhD abroad. Sila na ang well on their way towards success. Samantalang ako na nakakuha ng pinakamataas na GWA sa batch namin ay nasa Pilipinas pa din. Lumagapak at walang asenso. Walang pera at ari-ariang naipundar. Walang graduate degree. Pati respeto ng mga PhD's sa Chem, nawala din. Nasira na ang pangalan ko ng mga walang hiyang tsismoso't tsismosa ng IC. Wala na silang tiwala sa akin.

Aaminin ko na kahit sinasabi ko na ayos lang naman ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon, nasasaktan pa din ako sa lahat ng naganap. Kaya nga hindi pa rin ako makabalik sa IC Office. Ang sakit-sakit pa din kasi nang nangyari sa akin kahit na isang taon na ang nakalipas. Pakiramdam ko hindi ko maitatago ang sakit mula sa aking mga mata kapag nakita ko muli ang mga dati kong katrabaho doon.

Pero kahit na ganun, hindi ko pa din talaga masisi ang sarili ko kung bakit nga ba ako naging patapon. Para kasing yun lang talaga ang dapat kong mapuntahan. Marami kasi akong hindi natutunan agad noong mas bata pa ako kaya iyon muna ang binigyan ko ng atensyon. Pinakawalan ko ang ayos na sanang landas ko para patibayin muna ang aking mga pundasyon. At ngayon, napag-iiwanan na ako. Ang dating si Bryan na laging mataas ang marka, ang isa sa pinakamagagaling na estudyante ng premyadong UP Diliman ay ngayon ay nakabagsak na.

Hay. Ganyan talaga ang buhay. Ang mas weird nga eh may parte pa rin akong natutuwa dahil ag gusto ko sa lahat ay yung maganda yung story ng buhay ko. Kailangan ko nga siguro talagang magsimula muli sa ibaba para mas ma-appreciate ko ang aking pag-akyat.

Sa ngayon, mas nakikita ko na ang sarili ko din na kumuha ng PhD. Dahil kasi nag-Chem na rin naman ako eh, so why not maging mahusay na din talaga sa larangan ko di ba? At saka medyo nababagot na din ako at namimiss ko na din ulit ang mag-aral. Sana this time, mas gustuhin ko na talaga siya. Sana mas pag-igihan ko na. Kasi masaya naman talaga ang maraming alam.

Nabubuo na sa isip ko ang mga plano. Gusto ko na ding ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ko abroad. Ngayon ay nakukuha ko na ag motivation para umusad sa career ko. Kinailangan ko kasing i-motivate ang sarili ko dahil hindi ako na-motivate nang lubusan ng mga guro ko sa UP.

Sige, okay na ako. Nakapagpahinga na din. Panahon na para patunayan ko ulit ang galing ko. Panahon na para umakyat. Hays, pero this time around, kinakabahan na ako. Nawalan na din kasi ako ng tiwala sa sarili ko. Ang bobo ko na kasi ngayon.

Pero kakayanin ko 'to. Kakayanin. Papatunayan ko na kaya ko din talaga maging magaling. Ulit.