Once upon a time, there was a man who fell in love with a boy. It was the first time such a thing ever happened to the man, and in his confusion, he bungled up what friendship he and the boy had. The boy, perhaps not knowing what he did, hated the man and began to avoid him and then finally learned to forget. The man grieved for the loss of his first boy-love and after three years of reaching out, the boy finally agreed to talk to the man. It was a happy ending of a sort.
Months after the renewed "friendship", the man fell in love again with another boy. This time, it was deeper. This time, it was more intense. It was the most intense feeling the man had ever felt and he ruined his life just to be able to get closer to that boy. But everything went wrong - so wrong towards the end and nobody in this world knows the complete ugly details of how the boy wronged the man. That was how bad it was. A man was broken and a boy walks free from justice.
***
From the first tale to the last, this blog was the sole record of the important happenings in my life. It was only four years ago when I first wrote my entry but now, the weight of those additional years is upon me. I feel more experienced. I feel more mature. I feel old. Old enough to stop my manic writing.
Because I've finally reached my goal of self-realization. I know myself better.
Now, I prefer to just read and look back on who I was then.
I admit that it is scary - this growing old. It makes you wonder what other problems would come. But no matter, I know I'm ready.
I took notes while I could.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Something Hardens
I've been teaching chemistry for the fourth year now and through those semesters I have developed a teaching style which I've proven to be fun and effective - based on my students' replies. If you've been my student, as the majority of my Multiply and Friendster contacts are, then you will understand what I'm talking about. But this past semester was different.
I have always taken a private pride in my SET scores, and though I might not get the highest score in the whole Institute, I am pleased whenever I get at least an average rating. Students may not realize this but some teachers really take those SET's very seriously. I am one of them. I like my job that's why, and every semester I try to do something new in order to improve my teaching skills based on the SET feedback.
This semester was the beginning of a big change in Chem 16 as it heralded the use of bigger classes. Instead of the usual 40 or so students, lecture classes have been expanded into accomodating up to 80 students separated into four lab sections. It was an experiment for the whole Institute, since from my knowledge, this hasn't happened in Chem classes before (except perhaps for CWTS). I was under a lot of pressure especially since I was assigned as the Chem 16 lecture coordinator (which reminds that I have yet to make the removal exam tsk tsk).
Anyway, I was lucky to have really great lab instructors "under" me. With the three of them (I was handling one of the lab sections), we made Chem 16 into Potions 16 and divided the class into the four Hogwarts houses. I had a lot of fun, as I usually do in Chem 16, and it's mostly because of my very cooperative colleagues. Our semender party was a blast! From the thank you's and love I was getting from my Potions 16 students, I thought I did a great job, until I saw my SET that is.
SET's weren't supposed to be given this early yet but we were allowed to have temporary copies of them during an evaluation meeting. I do not mean to brag but I am pleased to have a high score, considering that I'm taking the average of about 80 students here. I read the comments and was glad at the usual heartwarming ones. There were bad comments in which I had no control like making the class smaller, going on trips, etc, And to my very ill surprise, I read this one comment about how the course can be improved saying: "It's stupid! Teach in a way all students can relate to." Or something nearly like that.
This comment wasn't detailed but I suppose this had something to do with the Harry Potter theme or my relaxed teaching style or my openness about myself. I think it's the former though. I also believe that this same student was the only one who marked me as "one of the worst" UP teachers he/she has ever had. And that was only about the second or third time I was marked as that.
It really breaks my heart to hear such things from my students. It really does, considering that I do my best to make them understand not only the lessons but why I'm digressing and other stuff.
I was having this conversation through text with one my students just this past semester and she shared her views about this saying that I care too much about what other people say, that if I believe that I'm doing the right thing why should it bother me, and that the students are entitled to their opinions.
What surprised me here is not the comment itself actually but that there are really some "unkind" students out there. Ever since, I've given my best whenever my students need extra help - I can go out of my way just to make them learn as long as they have the initiative to ask - and yet some students can really go on and hurt your feelings despite everything you've done for them. Some still do not understand no matter how you try to explain and make things clear. And I did explain! My Potions 16 students cannot gainsay me in that.
It bothered me a lot, so much so that I pondered on changing my style this coming semester. I thought of how I'd teach my subject without making it fun or without making friends with my students. I thought of giving my next students all work and no time for reflections on life and love. I will give them no albums. I will arrange them no semender party. I will make them forget me. Maybe if I did that, nobody will call me stupid anymore?
I want to break the norm, I told the student I was chatting with. I want to teach more than chemistry and I want to be an example.
And then she told me hours later, as an "aftertext", that if I were to break the norm about students and teachers then I should be strong. How can I do that if with one harsh criticism I break down to pieces?
That was when it hit me - she was absolutely right. She got it. I know I cannot please everybody with my personality. I suppose some really do hate me for whatever reasons they may have. But as long as I believe I am doing nothing wrong and the majority of my class agrees with me and benefits from my way of teaching, I should push through with what I am doing.
I realized it just now. I thought teaching would be a breeze. I thought that, with my style, I will encounter no barriers. Well, I am smarter now. I realize that I cannot win everybody's hearts. I realize that I should be thankful that at least most of my students understand me and think kindly of me. I should be thankful that I have so many friends out of my former students that it is actually very difficult now to keep in touch with ALL of them. I realize now that I should use such criticisms to make myself stronger and be a better teacher and ultimately, a better person.
I won't let that one student put me down.
I won't let that student stop me from spreading openness and awareness and clarity.
I am sorry I wasn't able to make that student comprehend my message, but that shouldn't stop me from fostering those who did.
I am a teacher.
I am a mentor.
I have a mission.
And I believe.
(BOW)
***
"Happy Teachers Day" my mom texted me earlier. How heartwarming.
A shoutout to all my past students there! I miss you all!
We may not be foremost in each other's thoughts anymore but I still remember.
I remember.
We had our days and they will always be in my heart no matter if some consider it stupid.
I have always taken a private pride in my SET scores, and though I might not get the highest score in the whole Institute, I am pleased whenever I get at least an average rating. Students may not realize this but some teachers really take those SET's very seriously. I am one of them. I like my job that's why, and every semester I try to do something new in order to improve my teaching skills based on the SET feedback.
This semester was the beginning of a big change in Chem 16 as it heralded the use of bigger classes. Instead of the usual 40 or so students, lecture classes have been expanded into accomodating up to 80 students separated into four lab sections. It was an experiment for the whole Institute, since from my knowledge, this hasn't happened in Chem classes before (except perhaps for CWTS). I was under a lot of pressure especially since I was assigned as the Chem 16 lecture coordinator (which reminds that I have yet to make the removal exam tsk tsk).
Anyway, I was lucky to have really great lab instructors "under" me. With the three of them (I was handling one of the lab sections), we made Chem 16 into Potions 16 and divided the class into the four Hogwarts houses. I had a lot of fun, as I usually do in Chem 16, and it's mostly because of my very cooperative colleagues. Our semender party was a blast! From the thank you's and love I was getting from my Potions 16 students, I thought I did a great job, until I saw my SET that is.
SET's weren't supposed to be given this early yet but we were allowed to have temporary copies of them during an evaluation meeting. I do not mean to brag but I am pleased to have a high score, considering that I'm taking the average of about 80 students here. I read the comments and was glad at the usual heartwarming ones. There were bad comments in which I had no control like making the class smaller, going on trips, etc, And to my very ill surprise, I read this one comment about how the course can be improved saying: "It's stupid! Teach in a way all students can relate to." Or something nearly like that.
This comment wasn't detailed but I suppose this had something to do with the Harry Potter theme or my relaxed teaching style or my openness about myself. I think it's the former though. I also believe that this same student was the only one who marked me as "one of the worst" UP teachers he/she has ever had. And that was only about the second or third time I was marked as that.
It really breaks my heart to hear such things from my students. It really does, considering that I do my best to make them understand not only the lessons but why I'm digressing and other stuff.
I was having this conversation through text with one my students just this past semester and she shared her views about this saying that I care too much about what other people say, that if I believe that I'm doing the right thing why should it bother me, and that the students are entitled to their opinions.
What surprised me here is not the comment itself actually but that there are really some "unkind" students out there. Ever since, I've given my best whenever my students need extra help - I can go out of my way just to make them learn as long as they have the initiative to ask - and yet some students can really go on and hurt your feelings despite everything you've done for them. Some still do not understand no matter how you try to explain and make things clear. And I did explain! My Potions 16 students cannot gainsay me in that.
It bothered me a lot, so much so that I pondered on changing my style this coming semester. I thought of how I'd teach my subject without making it fun or without making friends with my students. I thought of giving my next students all work and no time for reflections on life and love. I will give them no albums. I will arrange them no semender party. I will make them forget me. Maybe if I did that, nobody will call me stupid anymore?
I want to break the norm, I told the student I was chatting with. I want to teach more than chemistry and I want to be an example.
And then she told me hours later, as an "aftertext", that if I were to break the norm about students and teachers then I should be strong. How can I do that if with one harsh criticism I break down to pieces?
That was when it hit me - she was absolutely right. She got it. I know I cannot please everybody with my personality. I suppose some really do hate me for whatever reasons they may have. But as long as I believe I am doing nothing wrong and the majority of my class agrees with me and benefits from my way of teaching, I should push through with what I am doing.
I realized it just now. I thought teaching would be a breeze. I thought that, with my style, I will encounter no barriers. Well, I am smarter now. I realize that I cannot win everybody's hearts. I realize that I should be thankful that at least most of my students understand me and think kindly of me. I should be thankful that I have so many friends out of my former students that it is actually very difficult now to keep in touch with ALL of them. I realize now that I should use such criticisms to make myself stronger and be a better teacher and ultimately, a better person.
I won't let that one student put me down.
I won't let that student stop me from spreading openness and awareness and clarity.
I am sorry I wasn't able to make that student comprehend my message, but that shouldn't stop me from fostering those who did.
I am a teacher.
I am a mentor.
I have a mission.
And I believe.
(BOW)
***
"Happy Teachers Day" my mom texted me earlier. How heartwarming.
A shoutout to all my past students there! I miss you all!
We may not be foremost in each other's thoughts anymore but I still remember.
I remember.
We had our days and they will always be in my heart no matter if some consider it stupid.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Precipice
And so I've proven it haven't I? That you really didn't love me as much as you thought you did.
Of course I'm going to write nonsense stuff in here. Do you think I'll admit it to the whole wide fucking world that I'm barely surviving without you?
I hope you're doing this for a damn good reason. I hope you're not playing with my feelings. I hope you're not blindly following what other people told you. If you think we're over, tell it to me. Tell me I'd never reply to you again. Tell me you'd never want to see me again. You and your talk of openness. Who's the one being left in the dark now?
At least I was honest to you. I was clear in my intentions. I told you I needed to go away because I wanted to know how I really feel for you. It didn't take me long really to find that out but I kept my control because I wanted to be sure. I didn't want this to happen again. I told you, this is for the best of our relationship.
And when I realized that there was no point in prolonging this issue - when I realized that maybe you're hurting like me - that's when I tried to communicate with you but then you never replied.
I'll give you a day. If you changed your number, I think I deserve to know the new one. You should have told me, as a matter of courtesy.
I'll give you a day. If you don't reply then perhaps this is it.
Don't dismiss me for the sake of dismissing me. Don't hurt me just because you want to get even. Don't make me run to you just for the sake of making me run - is that your idea of love? If it comes true from your heart then I'll accept it.
Just tell me when it's over. Give me the clarity that I gave you. Just that, so I'll know the next thing I'll do.
Because I don't want to be here in this state anymore, and that's why I texted you in the first place.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Falling Down
If fears what makes us decide,
Our future journey,
I'm not along for the ride,
Cuz I'm still learning,
To try and touch the sun,
My fingers burning,
Before you're old you are young,
Yeah I'm still learning
I am falling down,
Try and stop me,
It feels so good to hit the ground,
You can watch me,
Fall right on my face,
It's an uphill human race,
and I am falling down
I'm standing out in the street,
The earth is moving,
I feel it under my feet,
And I'm still proving,
That I can stand my ground,
And my feet are there, haven't washed my hair
To be lost before you are found,
Don't mean you are losing
Some day I'll live in a house
Etc., etc., etc.
But you know that's not for now
and for now I'm falling
down...down...down...
down...down...down...
down...down...down...
Yeah e Yeah..Yeah e Yeah,
I'm falling down,
I'm falling down... I'm falling down...
I'm falling...
Feels so good to hit the ground...
I am falling
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wearing Your Underwear (The Fun Never Stops)
WARNING: May contain adult content.
The next thing I knew I was in your house. I hardly even know your name yet and I kept on trying to recall where I saw your first (on hindsight, it was on Friendster). Everything happened so fast. From the flirting back in the jeepney, our common friends egging us on to you sitting beside me, and all of a sudden my arms were around you and yours were on mine and then we're in your room. It would've been perfect if it wasn't still daylight!
So we were there among your clutter on the floor or on the bed (I can hardly remember) and we were groping each other although I wasn't too keen on it in the beginning. One thing I clearly remember though is that even if I wasn't responsive enough, you still kept on going. I was about to tell you that I'm always like that on the first "night" so you won't be offended until your younger sister peeped in at the window!
We quickly disentangled ourselves from each other and it was a good thing (your sister's timing) that she caught us early - there was no need for more embarrassing... visions. I was shocked and I arranged my clothes quickly and watched you attend to your sister who was beginning to be rather noisy and annoying. Surprisingly, your sister didn't seem surprised at her discovery. It seemed to be normal for her catching his brother in the act and in fact, I was dumbfounded to hear your sister talking to your younger brother who came right after about you giving me a blow.
"Well," she told him, "You know what he likes - lean and fair. He's gonna give him a blow."
What a house your parents were keeping!
After a while of settling them down, you came with me inside the bathroom for some privacy to continue what we were about to do and I was already rather excited about it but then (the fun never stops) your parents came in! So you rushed out to meet them and I can hardly think of an excuse you can make up to explain why a stranger is inside their bathroom. From the narrow door opening (you didn't even close it though I was already wearing little) I saw that your parents were displeased but I was happy that at least, they didn't rush in to throw me out of the house.
It was a long time you made me wait in the bathroom and I was beginning to get cold so I decided to take a shower and that was when I discovered that I was wearing your underwear (how that happened, I can't imagine). Before I could turn on the warm water you came in and approached me and then I felt a vibration near my head which made me open my eyes
to find myself on my dorm bed on my own, bright sunlight streaming in through the window. The vibration was from my fone and I saw that (fuck!) somebody was calling me and (fuck!) it was our Director and (fuck!) we were supposed to have a meeting at 10am and (FUCK!) it was already 10:10!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Danger of a Loaded Gun
Night. Walking along the oval with one peso in my pocket. Mentally and emotionally drained and hadn't eaten yet except for some smokes since the day started. I wished I had my jacket on. It was cold.
A long way to go. Had no choice but to walk with one peso in my pocket. I was waiting for my body to pass out. Surely, it would be minutes from now, I thought. Surely. Surely... only if I wasn't strong enough to handle all these.
Had an exam three hours ago. Studied only for a few minutes. Wasn't in the mood to do some studying. Didn't care about it. Everything in my life seemed in tatters. Didn't care if I failed. I never really cared about grades anyway. Such a small thing compared to what really matters.
It was 1pm when I got out of bed today. I didn't go to my first MS class. I didn't go to my lunch date with my summer friends. I didn't go to the library to study (I didn't even know what the coverage of the exam was). I just didn't want to leave my bed. I just wanted to dream, even if the sunlight was making my eyes squint already.
The first thing I checked upon finally deciding to rouse myself was my fone. The usual four or five messages greeted me. But none of them was my baby's. Or Darwin's rather. No right to call him "baby" anymore, I remembered.
So he wanted to play games? I thought. So he wanted to make me run to him huh? A flicker of emotion to do exactly that, quickly ebbed into apathy. This is the end, I thought. If he's going to do this, it's the end. I didn't want to think any more about it.
To school and responsibilities. Being the Chem 16 lecture coordinator was taking its toll on me. The weight of it on my shoulders. Add the burden of my studies this sem: all of them demanding lots of time. Piles of papers on my table. Loads of quizzes to check. And oh, it was my brother's birthday, and I got an instant reminder of the financial burden my inadequate parents are passing on to me.
Last but not the least, let us not forget Baby's recent death. My ever beloved pet cat died of old age, giving me one less reason to go back to my parents'.
With these unwelcome dark clouds on my head, I went out to the fire escape to have a smoke. Can you not blame me for wanting to die early?
To th exam where I purely relied on my wits since I didn't know a fucking thing about it. To my Chemical Kinetics class where my professor gave us yet another problem set. To the ATM to withdraw some money and finally have some food in me, only to find that my salary was again delayed.
And so there I was, walking along the oval with one peso in my pocket.
No pet cat.
No refuge at home.
No break from studying forever.
No unburdening of my responsibilities at work.
No money.
No baby to go to, to hug and to kiss.
But I've got my smokes and I've got my music. I've got my friends and my students.
I've got me.
And I know I'm made of tough stuff and I'll surely get through all of this one day soon.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Electrique Anthology
Tracklist Legend:
Red - Song of the album
Green - Personal favorites
Blue - Significant songs
Red - Song of the album
Green - Personal favorites
Blue - Significant songs
ELEVEN Release Date: October 11, 2005
Working Title: Six Feet Under
Copies Made: 2
History: This was supposed to be for O, but he didn't show up where I was supposed to meet him so I gave this to another instead.
Why "Eleven"?: 11 tracks, given on the 11th of October, and his class number was 11
Tracklist:
01 Avril Lavigne - How Does It Feel
02 Plumb - Boys Don't Cry
03 6 Cycle Mind - Sige
04 Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle
05 Marion Raven - Six Feet Under
06 The Corrs - What Can I Do
07 Session Road - Suntok Sa Buwan
08 Westlife - Can't Lose What You Never Had
09 Simple Plan - When I'm With You
10 Avril Lavigne - Fall To Pieces
11 Sugarfree - Kuwarto
About the songs:
Too sad and unformed. Musically varied. Some songs shouldn't have been
included, but all in all, still manages to capture the feel of hopeless
love.
Too sad and unformed. Musically varied. Some songs shouldn't have been
included, but all in all, still manages to capture the feel of hopeless
love.
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
BACK FOR MORE
Release Date: November 2005
Working Title: Wheat Field
Copies Made: 15
History: A
gift for my closest class on my first sem of teaching. Aside from songs
for my students, this also includes songs about me, O, Y, and about the
three of us.
Why "Back For More"?: From
a track of the same name. The song says, "When you think the party's
over/ Look over your shoulder/ I'm at your door/ Coming back for more."
So what I really wanted to say with this album was that I will not
really go unless they'll forget about me first.
Release Date: November 2005
Working Title: Wheat Field
Copies Made: 15
History: A
gift for my closest class on my first sem of teaching. Aside from songs
for my students, this also includes songs about me, O, Y, and about the
three of us.
Why "Back For More"?: From
a track of the same name. The song says, "When you think the party's
over/ Look over your shoulder/ I'm at your door/ Coming back for more."
So what I really wanted to say with this album was that I will not
really go unless they'll forget about me first.
Tracklist:
01 Avril Lavigne - Take Me Away
02 Frente - Bizarre Love Triangle
03 Britney Spears - Someday (I Will Understand)
04 Hale - Broken Sonnet
05 Linkin Park - My December
06 Simple Plan - Everytime
07 Michelle Branch - One Of These Days
08 Gabrielle - Out Of Reach
09 Lifehouse - Blind
10 Gwen Stefani - Luxurious
11 Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
12 Natalie Imbruglia - Goodbye
13 Plumb - Taken
14 The Cranberries - Dreaming My Dreams
15 A Teens - Back For More
16 Ryan Cabrera - Always Come Back To You
17 Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You
18 Bonnie Bailey - Ever After
19 Alanis Morissette - You Learn
01 Avril Lavigne - Take Me Away
02 Frente - Bizarre Love Triangle
03 Britney Spears - Someday (I Will Understand)
04 Hale - Broken Sonnet
05 Linkin Park - My December
06 Simple Plan - Everytime
07 Michelle Branch - One Of These Days
08 Gabrielle - Out Of Reach
09 Lifehouse - Blind
10 Gwen Stefani - Luxurious
11 Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
12 Natalie Imbruglia - Goodbye
13 Plumb - Taken
14 The Cranberries - Dreaming My Dreams
15 A Teens - Back For More
16 Ryan Cabrera - Always Come Back To You
17 Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You
18 Bonnie Bailey - Ever After
19 Alanis Morissette - You Learn
About the songs: Still musically
immature. Lacks overall cohesiveness, except for the first 9 tracks
which flow perfectly from one to the next. Heart-rending. The last
track, though well-meaning, seems ill-fitted after following a dance
track.
immature. Lacks overall cohesiveness, except for the first 9 tracks
which flow perfectly from one to the next. Heart-rending. The last
track, though well-meaning, seems ill-fitted after following a dance
track.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
TIME OF MY LIFE
Release Date: March 2006
Working Title: Toy's Story
Copies Made: 75
Release Date: March 2006
Working Title: Toy's Story
Copies Made: 75
History:
Covers the period from when O "left" me to my relationship with Y, as
well as the trials we had to go through because of my twisted sexuality.
Why "Time Of My Life"?: From
Oasis' "Don't Go Away" which says, "So don't go away/ Say what to say/
Say that you'll stay/ Forever and a day/ In the time of my life/ 'Cause
I need more time/ Yes I need more time/ Just to make things right." No
other song in the album could have put the theme better than that.
Covers the period from when O "left" me to my relationship with Y, as
well as the trials we had to go through because of my twisted sexuality.
Why "Time Of My Life"?: From
Oasis' "Don't Go Away" which says, "So don't go away/ Say what to say/
Say that you'll stay/ Forever and a day/ In the time of my life/ 'Cause
I need more time/ Yes I need more time/ Just to make things right." No
other song in the album could have put the theme better than that.
Tracklist:
01 Gorillaz - November Has Come
02 Bachelor Girl - Buses And Trains
03 Gwen Stefani - The Real Thing (Harajuku Lovers Remix)
04 Backstreet Boys - I Still
05 Imago - Akap
06 Radioactive Sago Project - Alcohol
07 Sugababes - Obsession
08 Natalie Imbruglia - Intuition
09 Simple Plan - My Alien
10 Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
11 Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale
12 Alanis Morissette - Simple Together
13 Marion Raven - Little By Little (not included in earlier copies)
14 Lifehouse - Chapter One
15 Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest
16 Oasis - Don't Go Away
17 The Cranberries - I'm Still Remembering
18 Eraserheads - Minsan
19 Kamikazee - Narda
20 The Beatles - In My Life (hidden track)
01 Gorillaz - November Has Come
02 Bachelor Girl - Buses And Trains
03 Gwen Stefani - The Real Thing (Harajuku Lovers Remix)
04 Backstreet Boys - I Still
05 Imago - Akap
06 Radioactive Sago Project - Alcohol
07 Sugababes - Obsession
08 Natalie Imbruglia - Intuition
09 Simple Plan - My Alien
10 Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
11 Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale
12 Alanis Morissette - Simple Together
13 Marion Raven - Little By Little (not included in earlier copies)
14 Lifehouse - Chapter One
15 Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest
16 Oasis - Don't Go Away
17 The Cranberries - I'm Still Remembering
18 Eraserheads - Minsan
19 Kamikazee - Narda
20 The Beatles - In My Life (hidden track)
About the songs: Too varied. The
arrangement of the songs made the whole album sound fragmented into
three parts. Individually, most of the songs are good. The introductory
songs are particularly boring, although with better arrangement, they
could have stood out well.
arrangement of the songs made the whole album sound fragmented into
three parts. Individually, most of the songs are good. The introductory
songs are particularly boring, although with better arrangement, they
could have stood out well.
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
LOVELY
Release Date: May 2006
Working Title: Lovely
Copies Made: 45
History: My first greatest hits album which includes choice tracks from the earlier three as well as 8 new tracks.
Why "Lovely"?: "Lovely"
was the name given by my "Back For More" students when I used to make
kwento about Y and me's relationship, and what better title to name my
album than to use that, since essentially, the past two semesters
centered around her and her love. However, the exact release date was a
few days after we broke up, and it was too late to cancel the album.
Release Date: May 2006
Working Title: Lovely
Copies Made: 45
History: My first greatest hits album which includes choice tracks from the earlier three as well as 8 new tracks.
Why "Lovely"?: "Lovely"
was the name given by my "Back For More" students when I used to make
kwento about Y and me's relationship, and what better title to name my
album than to use that, since essentially, the past two semesters
centered around her and her love. However, the exact release date was a
few days after we broke up, and it was too late to cancel the album.
Tracklist:
01 The Cranberries - Daffodil Lament
02 Switchfoot - You
03 Kelly Clarkson - Beautiful Disaster
04 Madonna - I Deserve It
05 Lifehouse - Blind
06 Marion Raven - Six Feet Under
07 Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest
08 Gin Blossoms - As Long As It Matters
09 Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle
10 Ryan Cabrera - Always Come Back To You
11 Imago - Akap
12 Oasis - Don't Go Away
13 The Beatles - In My Life
14 Westlife - Can't Lose What You Never Had
15 No Doubt - Running
16 Coldplay - X & Y
17 Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
18 After Image - Tag-Ulan
01 The Cranberries - Daffodil Lament
02 Switchfoot - You
03 Kelly Clarkson - Beautiful Disaster
04 Madonna - I Deserve It
05 Lifehouse - Blind
06 Marion Raven - Six Feet Under
07 Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest
08 Gin Blossoms - As Long As It Matters
09 Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle
10 Ryan Cabrera - Always Come Back To You
11 Imago - Akap
12 Oasis - Don't Go Away
13 The Beatles - In My Life
14 Westlife - Can't Lose What You Never Had
15 No Doubt - Running
16 Coldplay - X & Y
17 Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
18 After Image - Tag-Ulan
About the songs: Very
well-chosen for the album. An amazing success compared with the
previous one. Unified both musically and lyrically due to flawless
arrangement. Track 1 sets the theme really well, and sets the way for
the emotional ride of the following tracks. The downside is, the
majority of the songs are sad to weeping, so by the middle of the
album, the listener might already feel choked with emotion.
well-chosen for the album. An amazing success compared with the
previous one. Unified both musically and lyrically due to flawless
arrangement. Track 1 sets the theme really well, and sets the way for
the emotional ride of the following tracks. The downside is, the
majority of the songs are sad to weeping, so by the middle of the
album, the listener might already feel choked with emotion.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
BREAKRelease Date: October 2006
Working Titles: The End Of Illusions, Breakaway
Copies Made: 75
History:
This is my breaking out album. Released from my previous relationship,
and having some tangles about it, I've gone "out" to the world to
discover who I really am. The album describes the saddest period in my
life - alone, and still no answers... yet.
Why "Break"?: To
breakaway from who Ithought I should have been. In Track 3, Linkin Park
says, "I will never know myself until I do this on my own/ And I will
never feel anything else until my wounds are healed/ I will never be
anything til I break away from me/ I will break away/ I'll find myself
today."
This is my breaking out album. Released from my previous relationship,
and having some tangles about it, I've gone "out" to the world to
discover who I really am. The album describes the saddest period in my
life - alone, and still no answers... yet.
Why "Break"?: To
breakaway from who Ithought I should have been. In Track 3, Linkin Park
says, "I will never know myself until I do this on my own/ And I will
never feel anything else until my wounds are healed/ I will never be
anything til I break away from me/ I will break away/ I'll find myself
today."
Tracklist:
01 Kylie Minogue - Confide In Me
02 Marion Raven - End Of Me
03 Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
04 3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
05 The Cranberries - Linger
06 Imago - Taning
07 Evanescence - My Immortal
08 Radiohead - Creep
09 Dido - White Flag
10 Splender - I Think God Can Explain
11 Fiona Apple - Across The Universe
12 Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
13 Corinne Bailey Rae - Trouble Sleeping
14 Ang Bandang Shirley - Larong Kalye
15 Michelle Branch - It's You
16 Enya - Only Time
17 The Dawn - Salamat
18 Madonna - Dear Jessie
01 Kylie Minogue - Confide In Me
02 Marion Raven - End Of Me
03 Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
04 3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
05 The Cranberries - Linger
06 Imago - Taning
07 Evanescence - My Immortal
08 Radiohead - Creep
09 Dido - White Flag
10 Splender - I Think God Can Explain
11 Fiona Apple - Across The Universe
12 Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
13 Corinne Bailey Rae - Trouble Sleeping
14 Ang Bandang Shirley - Larong Kalye
15 Michelle Branch - It's You
16 Enya - Only Time
17 The Dawn - Salamat
18 Madonna - Dear Jessie
About the songs: Rock-heavy
and full of bitterness and shouts, and in some cases, light-headedness.
Personally my deepest album since the songs focus on who I was at the
time. Great arrangement of songs, though creaky in some areas. Very
nice introduction and ending songs. However, the album is not very
listener-friendly because of the angsty theme which most cannot relate
to.
and full of bitterness and shouts, and in some cases, light-headedness.
Personally my deepest album since the songs focus on who I was at the
time. Great arrangement of songs, though creaky in some areas. Very
nice introduction and ending songs. However, the album is not very
listener-friendly because of the angsty theme which most cannot relate
to.
Rating: 4 out of 5
ON THE HORIZON
Release Date: October 27, 2006
Working Titles: Try, Sugarbabylove
Copies Made: 2
History: This
was my birthday gift to my baby. At that time, I was still "courting"
him. A few days after, just before his real birthday, kami na! All the
songs here were about us, or rather, about my feelings for him.
Why "On The Horizon"?: From
a song of the same title which says, "All I see is love/ Sweet love/ On
the horizon/ Oh yeah/ Just one look in your deep brown eyes/ And baby
I'm flying."
Release Date: October 27, 2006
Working Titles: Try, Sugarbabylove
Copies Made: 2
History: This
was my birthday gift to my baby. At that time, I was still "courting"
him. A few days after, just before his real birthday, kami na! All the
songs here were about us, or rather, about my feelings for him.
Why "On The Horizon"?: From
a song of the same title which says, "All I see is love/ Sweet love/ On
the horizon/ Oh yeah/ Just one look in your deep brown eyes/ And baby
I'm flying."
Tracklist:
01 Keane - Everybody's Changing
02 911 - All I Want Is You
03 D'Sound - Do I Need A Reason
04 Lifehouse - Hanging By A Moment
05 Lisa Loeb - Truthfully
06 Mojofly - Sa Uulitin
07 3 Doors Down - Here Without You
08 Jewel - Fragile Heart
09 Nelly Furtado - Try
10 Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through
11 The Corrs - Make You Mine
12 Coldplay - Swallowed In The Sea
13 Avril Lavigne - Things I'll Never Say
14 Evan & Jaron - The Distance
15 Melanie C - On The Horizon
16 Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
17 Lifehouse - You Belong To Me
18 Ne-Yo - Sexy Love
19 Sarah McLachlan - The Rainbow Connection
20 Imago - Ewan
01 Keane - Everybody's Changing
02 911 - All I Want Is You
03 D'Sound - Do I Need A Reason
04 Lifehouse - Hanging By A Moment
05 Lisa Loeb - Truthfully
06 Mojofly - Sa Uulitin
07 3 Doors Down - Here Without You
08 Jewel - Fragile Heart
09 Nelly Furtado - Try
10 Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through
11 The Corrs - Make You Mine
12 Coldplay - Swallowed In The Sea
13 Avril Lavigne - Things I'll Never Say
14 Evan & Jaron - The Distance
15 Melanie C - On The Horizon
16 Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
17 Lifehouse - You Belong To Me
18 Ne-Yo - Sexy Love
19 Sarah McLachlan - The Rainbow Connection
20 Imago - Ewan
About the songs: Has this
certain commercial feel. Lacks originality. Too generic despite good
songs and good arrangement. Good for listening everyday, unlike the
previous album. Nice but forgettable except for a few of the songs.
certain commercial feel. Lacks originality. Too generic despite good
songs and good arrangement. Good for listening everyday, unlike the
previous album. Nice but forgettable except for a few of the songs.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
LIGHT
Release Date: March 2007
Working Title: A Memory Of Light
Copies Made: 60
History:
My first feel-good album. This covers my relationship with my baby, as
well as my freedom in being who I am. As the back cover says: Love.
Freedom. Light.
Why "Light"?: Describes the overall feel of the album, aside from the word itself being mentioned in a number of the songs.
Release Date: March 2007
Working Title: A Memory Of Light
Copies Made: 60
History:
My first feel-good album. This covers my relationship with my baby, as
well as my freedom in being who I am. As the back cover says: Love.
Freedom. Light.
Why "Light"?: Describes the overall feel of the album, aside from the word itself being mentioned in a number of the songs.
Tracklist:
01 Rascal Flatts - I'm Moving On
02 Nelly Furtado feat. Attitude - Afraid
03 The Cranberries - Free To Decide
04 John Mayer - New Deep
05 Dixie Chicks - You Can't Hurry Love
06 Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down
07 Natalie Imbruglia - Satellite
08 Norah Jones - Those Sweet Words
09 Bob Marley feat. Lauryn Hill - Turn Your Lights Down Low
10 Avril Lavigne - Naked
11 Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning
12 Gabrielle - Sunshine
13 Jason Mraz - You And I Both
14 Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home
15 Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
16 Le Ann Rimes - Please Remember
17 Mariah Carey feat. trey Lorenz - I'll Be There
18 Meredith Brooks - Bitch
19 Tina Arena - Now I Can Dance
01 Rascal Flatts - I'm Moving On
02 Nelly Furtado feat. Attitude - Afraid
03 The Cranberries - Free To Decide
04 John Mayer - New Deep
05 Dixie Chicks - You Can't Hurry Love
06 Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down
07 Natalie Imbruglia - Satellite
08 Norah Jones - Those Sweet Words
09 Bob Marley feat. Lauryn Hill - Turn Your Lights Down Low
10 Avril Lavigne - Naked
11 Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning
12 Gabrielle - Sunshine
13 Jason Mraz - You And I Both
14 Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home
15 Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
16 Le Ann Rimes - Please Remember
17 Mariah Carey feat. trey Lorenz - I'll Be There
18 Meredith Brooks - Bitch
19 Tina Arena - Now I Can Dance
About the songs:
Pivotal compared with all the others. Easy to listen to. Even funny, in
some cases. Gives you the feeling that everything is going well because
the songs are so soft. Every song here is significantly chosen. Has the
best ending song among all of my albums.
Pivotal compared with all the others. Easy to listen to. Even funny, in
some cases. Gives you the feeling that everything is going well because
the songs are so soft. Every song here is significantly chosen. Has the
best ending song among all of my albums.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
FORCA
Release Date: May 2007
Working Title: Forca
Copies Made: 50
History: Second greatest hits album covering the previous three.
Why "Forca"?: From
the title track by Nelly Furtado. "Forca" is Portuguese for strength
and is commonly expressed as "com uma forca", meaning "give it
strength. This album celebrates my recovery from the previous year.
Tracklist:
01 Hoku - Perfect Day
02 Imago - Sundo
03 The Cranberries - Linger
04 Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning
05 Nelly Furtado - Try
06 3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
07 Mojofly - Sa Uulitin
08 Evan & Jaron - The Distance
09 Avril Lavigne - Contagious
10 Jason Mraz - You And I Both
11 Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through
12 John Mayer - Not Myself
13 Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
14 M2M - Don't
15 Fiona Apple - Across The Universe
16 James Blunt - You're Beautiful
17 Rascal Flatts - I'm Moving On
18 Nelly Furtado - Forca
19 Christina Aguilera - Come On Over (All I Want Is You) (bonus track)
20 Natsha Bedingfield - Unwritten
01 Hoku - Perfect Day
02 Imago - Sundo
03 The Cranberries - Linger
04 Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning
05 Nelly Furtado - Try
06 3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
07 Mojofly - Sa Uulitin
08 Evan & Jaron - The Distance
09 Avril Lavigne - Contagious
10 Jason Mraz - You And I Both
11 Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through
12 John Mayer - Not Myself
13 Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
14 M2M - Don't
15 Fiona Apple - Across The Universe
16 James Blunt - You're Beautiful
17 Rascal Flatts - I'm Moving On
18 Nelly Furtado - Forca
19 Christina Aguilera - Come On Over (All I Want Is You) (bonus track)
20 Natsha Bedingfield - Unwritten
About the songs:
A collection of the best songs from my albums but the overall effect
fell too short of expectations. Compartmentalized thematically, and
bounces from the mature to the immature. Despite its shortcomings, the
album still manages to send its message in the end and gives a vague
impression that life is indeed, varied. Still, the album is rather
bland and forgettable.
A collection of the best songs from my albums but the overall effect
fell too short of expectations. Compartmentalized thematically, and
bounces from the mature to the immature. Despite its shortcomings, the
album still manages to send its message in the end and gives a vague
impression that life is indeed, varied. Still, the album is rather
bland and forgettable.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
REASON
Release Date: September 30, 2007
Working Title: Extraordinary
Copies Made: 80
History: A closure album for Hunter
Why "Reason"?: "Reason can tell how love affects us, but cannot tell what love is."
Tracklist:
01 Bjork - All Is Full Of Love
02 Sheryl Crow & Sting - Always On Your Side
03 Coldplay - Square One
04 Keane - This Is The Last Time
05 Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
06 Kelly Clarkson - Sober
07 Madonna - The Power Of Goodbye
08 Dido - Hunter
09 Texas - Put Your Arms Around Me
10 Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad
11 Mariah Carey feat. Dru Hill - The Beautiful Ones
12 Craig Armstrong feat. Elizabeth Frazer - This Love
13 Rob Thomas - Little Wonders
14 Stereophonics - A Minute Longer
15 Dolores O'Riordan - Apple Of My Eye
16 Mandy Moore - Extraordinary
17 Sandwich - Kalendaryo
18 Shania Twain - Amneris' Letter (hidden track)
01 Bjork - All Is Full Of Love
02 Sheryl Crow & Sting - Always On Your Side
03 Coldplay - Square One
04 Keane - This Is The Last Time
05 Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
06 Kelly Clarkson - Sober
07 Madonna - The Power Of Goodbye
08 Dido - Hunter
09 Texas - Put Your Arms Around Me
10 Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad
11 Mariah Carey feat. Dru Hill - The Beautiful Ones
12 Craig Armstrong feat. Elizabeth Frazer - This Love
13 Rob Thomas - Little Wonders
14 Stereophonics - A Minute Longer
15 Dolores O'Riordan - Apple Of My Eye
16 Mandy Moore - Extraordinary
17 Sandwich - Kalendaryo
18 Shania Twain - Amneris' Letter (hidden track)
About the songs:
Dreamy, steady, yet contained. The most mature songs among my albums.
Has a distinct overall feel of being ethereal. A solid album, both
lyrically and musically. Takes its listeners on a meaningful ride. Has
the best cover as well. Hands down, this is the best album I've ever
made.
Dreamy, steady, yet contained. The most mature songs among my albums.
Has a distinct overall feel of being ethereal. A solid album, both
lyrically and musically. Takes its listeners on a meaningful ride. Has
the best cover as well. Hands down, this is the best album I've ever
made.
Rating: 5 out of 5
THE ICE
Release Date: March 29, 2008
Working Title: The Ice
Copies Made: 85
History: After the sadness of "Reason", it is time to conquer the next challenge - the dancefloor.
Why "The Ice"?: From the title of a major song in this album. Also, for coolness, chillness, and in preparation for summer. Summer is coming!
Tracklist:
01 Mika - Relax, Take It Easy
02 Britney Spears - Break the Ice
03 A-Teens - Closer to Perfection
04 Ne-yo - Can We Chill
05 Mary J. Blige - Just Fine
06 Rihanna - Push Up On Me
07 Janet Jackson - Luv
08 Sugababes - Gotta Be You
09 Black Eyed Peas - Be Free
10 Jennifer Lopez - Feelin' So Good
11 Artful Dodger feat. Melanie Blatt - Twentyfourseven
12 Kylie Minogue - All I See
13 Spice Girls - Never Give Up On the Good Times
14 Justin Timberlake - Lovestoned
15 Inoj - Time After Time
16 Gwen Stefani - The Real Thing
17 Moony - Flying Away
18 Scarf - Odysee (Plazmatek Radio Edit)
19 Ace of Base - The Sign
About the songs: Cool-sounding and fun. A party soundtrack with sense. Not too personal and the least emotional among my albums.
01 Mika - Relax, Take It Easy
02 Britney Spears - Break the Ice
03 A-Teens - Closer to Perfection
04 Ne-yo - Can We Chill
05 Mary J. Blige - Just Fine
06 Rihanna - Push Up On Me
07 Janet Jackson - Luv
08 Sugababes - Gotta Be You
09 Black Eyed Peas - Be Free
10 Jennifer Lopez - Feelin' So Good
11 Artful Dodger feat. Melanie Blatt - Twentyfourseven
12 Kylie Minogue - All I See
13 Spice Girls - Never Give Up On the Good Times
14 Justin Timberlake - Lovestoned
15 Inoj - Time After Time
16 Gwen Stefani - The Real Thing
17 Moony - Flying Away
18 Scarf - Odysee (Plazmatek Radio Edit)
19 Ace of Base - The Sign
About the songs: Cool-sounding and fun. A party soundtrack with sense. Not too personal and the least emotional among my albums.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
RAINBOW'S END Release Date: May 2008
Working Title: Rainbow's End
Copies Made: 60
History: About catching dreams
Why "Rainbow's End"?: From the carrier single "Around the Corner of Your Eye": I could be your pot of gold, everything you're wishing for... Do you really want to find the rainbow's end?
Tracklist:
01 Frou Frou - Let Go
02 Paula Cole Band - Pearl
03 Vienna Teng - The Tower
04 Vanessa Carlton - Hands On Me
05 Donna Lewis - I Could Be The One
06 Princessa - Once In A Lifetime
07 Tori Amos - Sleeps With Butterflies
08 Ingrid Michaelson - Corner Of Your Heart
09 Colbie Caillat - Realize
10 Damien Rice - Cannonball
11 Chantal Kreviazuk - Time
12 Michelle Branch - Leap of Faith
13 Wake Up Your Seatmate - Panaginip
14 A-Teens - Around the Corner of Your Eye
15 S Club 7 - Say Goodbye
16 Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On
17 Stacie Orrico - So Simple
18 Sarah McLachlan - The Rainbow Connection*
19 Phil Collins - You'll Be In My Heart
01 Frou Frou - Let Go
02 Paula Cole Band - Pearl
03 Vienna Teng - The Tower
04 Vanessa Carlton - Hands On Me
05 Donna Lewis - I Could Be The One
06 Princessa - Once In A Lifetime
07 Tori Amos - Sleeps With Butterflies
08 Ingrid Michaelson - Corner Of Your Heart
09 Colbie Caillat - Realize
10 Damien Rice - Cannonball
11 Chantal Kreviazuk - Time
12 Michelle Branch - Leap of Faith
13 Wake Up Your Seatmate - Panaginip
14 A-Teens - Around the Corner of Your Eye
15 S Club 7 - Say Goodbye
16 Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On
17 Stacie Orrico - So Simple
18 Sarah McLachlan - The Rainbow Connection*
19 Phil Collins - You'll Be In My Heart
*also featured in "On the Horizon"
About the songs: From piano to guitar, the album shifts from vulnerability to longing for love. This album is about giving everything up to go after your dream, no matter what the hindrances and the outcomes may be. Despite minor inconsistencies in theme, the heart of a child shines through from beginning to end. A dream of an album.
About the songs: From piano to guitar, the album shifts from vulnerability to longing for love. This album is about giving everything up to go after your dream, no matter what the hindrances and the outcomes may be. Despite minor inconsistencies in theme, the heart of a child shines through from beginning to end. A dream of an album.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
****
THIS ENTRY WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ON APRIL 11, 2007. LAST UPDATED ON JUNE 17, 2008.
THIS ENTRY WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ON APRIL 11, 2007. LAST UPDATED ON JUNE 17, 2008.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
What Books and Jerks Have in Common
I'm already 23 years old yet there are still a lot of things I haven't learned about life and love. This past summer was one of the most trying periods of my life. As your teacher and as yourfriend, I feel obliged to relate what has happened to me because I believe that you might get something out of what I've gone through. It took me this long to write because I had to let time do its job of cooling me down. Right now, I am sober and I am ready to tell you all.
It all began when I met Beta...
Beta was one of my students this past summer. The first time I saw him in class, I knew that there was something about him. Somehow, I knew that he will shake my stable world out of its foundations. I was hardly able to get to know him very well in the course of only a few meetings but, as if it was long foretold, I fell. Again.
It has always been my weakness - falling for students. As Tickle said, my romantic fantasy is a mentor-protegee type of relationship. I am attracted to younger men because I am attracted to innocence. Perhaps it is because I have the heart of a child. Perhaps I see myself in these people when I was younger. Perhaps I like the feeling of taking the lead and showing them the ropes. I don't really know.
As Darwin once mentioned (when he tried to sit-in in my lecture class during those tumultuous days of our relationship), this is the third time that this happened to me. The first was with Hunter, the first guy I ever "loved." The second was with Alpha, which hardly counts at all since my feelings for him weren't really that deep and I was attracted to him only because he looked so much like Hunter. And now, here came Beta.
How do I describe Beta? Boyish. Childish. Innocent-looking. All these applies to the three of them and with him I was able to clarify to myself what attracts me to a person.
But before I proceed, I'd like to give my stand about student-teacher relationships. It has always been a taboo for teachers to get romantically involved with their students and I agree that this is forbidden while he is your student. You cannot risk his grades because of your feelings. Once the semester is over, however, it is a different matter.
I am not ashamed about this. I can hardly control my feelings and I believe that as long as I am not causing the student any sort of harm, I am not doing anything wrong. I know my limits and rules are rules so I follow them. These restrictions are deeply ingrained in me, that is why I am not worried that I might break them just because I've developed something for a student. And besides, my teaching style allows me to interact with my students in a friendly manner and this allows me to get close to them such that any extra friendliness will not be taken amiss since I am friendly to all of my students.
Enough said about that topic, let us proceed with my story...
Before Beta arrived, I was already plagued by doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend. Minor issues about us were piling up within me and Beta only emphasized what my boyfriend lacks. Beta made me think that these are the characters I am attracted to. These are the type of people I would have courted and pursued. And it made me think that my boyfriend is not really who I want.
Back then, Beta was only a crush and my initial goal was to be able to get close to him so I can know him better. I was hoping that, when I get to talk to him, I will realize that these emotions were unfounded and, laughing at how foolish I was, I will be able to move on and proceed with my real relationship.
It took me several tries before I was able to get close to him. The worse thing was that Beta liked to cancel his appointments, leaving me more and more frustrated each night until my boyfriend got wind of the whole issue until he broke up with me in the end. If only it would have ended sooner, I would have been able to fix this on my own without involving my boyfriend. I was reluctant to tell him at first because I knew this would hurt him very much, and as I looked at it then as a personal issue, there was really no need for his attention in this.
With the passing days, I became colder and colder to my boyfriend because the issue wasn't being resolved (Beta kept canceling) until I had to tell him about Beta and so we broke up.
I didn't feel sad when he broke up with me because my eyes were all on Beta at the time. I didn't feel his loss because I was preoccupied with how to get closer to Beta until that fateful Labor Day came when I was finally able to talk to him alone at length.
My hopes of getting over Beta were smashed to pieces that day because instead of me discovering that I didn't like Beta at all, it was the opposite that happened. Never have I liked a person more than I liked Beta. Nobody has ever made me feel that way. I wasn't able to sleep a wink the night after we talked. He really was the person I was looking for all these years. Or so I thought.
With the following days, I was able to be even closer to him and although he might deny it, he was flirting back in his own little ways. I held on to the hope that he might feel the same for me.
It was a difficult time for me, especially after hearing negative thoughts that he might be straight or that he's bisexual but he isn't open to same-sex relationships or that he is too religious or that he is already happy being single. I suffered through it all, so much so that I forgot to eat. So much so that I wasn't able to sleep well for how many days. I held on to that hope and discussing to my class this summer's album (which was about chasing dreams) didn't help to make me see the truth. It would have been a bad example to my students if I were to let go of my dream (which was him.) I just had to hold on. And besides, I had nowhere to go to. I've already given up my boyfriend for him. I had to give Beta my all. I didn't have a choice.
During these difficult times, my students never left me behind. They were my comfort and my strength, especially during the days when I was about to give up. They told me that they were behind me, no matter what the outcome of this would be. Without them, I don't think I would have survived this summer.
My ex-boyfriend was still at my back despite the hurt I've caused him. When I needed someone to stay with me through the night, he was there. When I needed someone to lay my confused head on, he was there. A part of me wanted to go back to him already but I knew that this will not be over until I directly confront Beta about what I feel so I held back and decided to push through with it.
Beta agreed to have a lunch "date" with me (after the finals) and it was then that I confessed. I already knew what his answer would be even before I opened up to him but it is not in my character to play safe. I wanted a direct refusal from him and unfortunately, I wasn't able to get it at the time. He just didn't want to talk about it, so the issue was left unanswered.
After that, Beta wasn't replying to my text messages anymore and I was very afraid of what I've done because it looked like he will be another Hunter again. It took me three years to get over Hunter, with the little that has happened to us. What more for Beta, when we've gone beyond what mere friends do? How much longer will it take me to recover from this? I needed a closure.
It took me yet several more attempts to make him reply to my text messages. Another meeting was out of the question since he was already back at his hometown by then. With the help of my friends, I was able to make him understand the urgency of my need to talk to him. I wanted to fix things up with my ex-boyfriend and I will never be able to fully come back to him until I hear it from him straight that he doesn't like me the way I do him. That way, I am sure. That way, there will be no what-ifs.
And that was what happened that night. The night after I wrote "I Want To End My Life". I was serious then, while I was writing the entry. People do not understand the impact of what my past experiences have done to my life, and to see it happening again and again to me was more than I could bear. If Beta did not reply that night, my mind would have snapped.
Beta was cold. He knew that it wouldn't be helpful for us if we continue to text each other often. I was able to make him listen to me, to make him understand my situation, until he sent me a reply which left me very angry at him.
That reply (I'm sorry) proved to me that he was a jerk. That he was a user. That he didn't give a damn about how I am feeling right then. That reply proved to me how rotten he was. That he doesn't practice what he preaches. That all he thinks about is himself.
And so that made me realize how foolish I was to fall for a person like that. That he didn't deserve all the things I've done for him.
All the time I was wondering why people don't see him the way I do. That was why. It turns out that he was simply pretending...
Sigh.
All the nights I've wasted. All the tears I've cried. All the love I was willing to give.
FOR A JERK!
Geez.
But don't get me wrong though. I am not angry at him. He is young. Maybe he doesn't mean to make me feel this way. He doesn't understand yet.
I am ashamed of myself for falling so fast but I'll never regret all the things I've done because without them, I wouldn't have been able to learn this lesson to heart:
"NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER"
No matter how well you think you know this person, you really have to make sure you are investing your feelings on someone worthwhile. You have to know your worth because, unfortunately in this world, there are those who will take advantage of you.
Take it from me. I learned it the hard way. But still, I learned.
If he goes away, I know that I've lost nothing. I've shown nothing but good intentions and I don't deserve how he treated me. But him? He lost me. And false humility aside, I know I am a way way better person than he is right now.
***
So what about my ex-boyfriend? How are we right now?
The truth is, I don't know for sure. Neither of us is certain about what will really happen to us now.
It all began when I met Beta...
Beta was one of my students this past summer. The first time I saw him in class, I knew that there was something about him. Somehow, I knew that he will shake my stable world out of its foundations. I was hardly able to get to know him very well in the course of only a few meetings but, as if it was long foretold, I fell. Again.
It has always been my weakness - falling for students. As Tickle said, my romantic fantasy is a mentor-protegee type of relationship. I am attracted to younger men because I am attracted to innocence. Perhaps it is because I have the heart of a child. Perhaps I see myself in these people when I was younger. Perhaps I like the feeling of taking the lead and showing them the ropes. I don't really know.
As Darwin once mentioned (when he tried to sit-in in my lecture class during those tumultuous days of our relationship), this is the third time that this happened to me. The first was with Hunter, the first guy I ever "loved." The second was with Alpha, which hardly counts at all since my feelings for him weren't really that deep and I was attracted to him only because he looked so much like Hunter. And now, here came Beta.
How do I describe Beta? Boyish. Childish. Innocent-looking. All these applies to the three of them and with him I was able to clarify to myself what attracts me to a person.
But before I proceed, I'd like to give my stand about student-teacher relationships. It has always been a taboo for teachers to get romantically involved with their students and I agree that this is forbidden while he is your student. You cannot risk his grades because of your feelings. Once the semester is over, however, it is a different matter.
I am not ashamed about this. I can hardly control my feelings and I believe that as long as I am not causing the student any sort of harm, I am not doing anything wrong. I know my limits and rules are rules so I follow them. These restrictions are deeply ingrained in me, that is why I am not worried that I might break them just because I've developed something for a student. And besides, my teaching style allows me to interact with my students in a friendly manner and this allows me to get close to them such that any extra friendliness will not be taken amiss since I am friendly to all of my students.
Enough said about that topic, let us proceed with my story...
Before Beta arrived, I was already plagued by doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend. Minor issues about us were piling up within me and Beta only emphasized what my boyfriend lacks. Beta made me think that these are the characters I am attracted to. These are the type of people I would have courted and pursued. And it made me think that my boyfriend is not really who I want.
Back then, Beta was only a crush and my initial goal was to be able to get close to him so I can know him better. I was hoping that, when I get to talk to him, I will realize that these emotions were unfounded and, laughing at how foolish I was, I will be able to move on and proceed with my real relationship.
It took me several tries before I was able to get close to him. The worse thing was that Beta liked to cancel his appointments, leaving me more and more frustrated each night until my boyfriend got wind of the whole issue until he broke up with me in the end. If only it would have ended sooner, I would have been able to fix this on my own without involving my boyfriend. I was reluctant to tell him at first because I knew this would hurt him very much, and as I looked at it then as a personal issue, there was really no need for his attention in this.
With the passing days, I became colder and colder to my boyfriend because the issue wasn't being resolved (Beta kept canceling) until I had to tell him about Beta and so we broke up.
I didn't feel sad when he broke up with me because my eyes were all on Beta at the time. I didn't feel his loss because I was preoccupied with how to get closer to Beta until that fateful Labor Day came when I was finally able to talk to him alone at length.
My hopes of getting over Beta were smashed to pieces that day because instead of me discovering that I didn't like Beta at all, it was the opposite that happened. Never have I liked a person more than I liked Beta. Nobody has ever made me feel that way. I wasn't able to sleep a wink the night after we talked. He really was the person I was looking for all these years. Or so I thought.
With the following days, I was able to be even closer to him and although he might deny it, he was flirting back in his own little ways. I held on to the hope that he might feel the same for me.
It was a difficult time for me, especially after hearing negative thoughts that he might be straight or that he's bisexual but he isn't open to same-sex relationships or that he is too religious or that he is already happy being single. I suffered through it all, so much so that I forgot to eat. So much so that I wasn't able to sleep well for how many days. I held on to that hope and discussing to my class this summer's album (which was about chasing dreams) didn't help to make me see the truth. It would have been a bad example to my students if I were to let go of my dream (which was him.) I just had to hold on. And besides, I had nowhere to go to. I've already given up my boyfriend for him. I had to give Beta my all. I didn't have a choice.
During these difficult times, my students never left me behind. They were my comfort and my strength, especially during the days when I was about to give up. They told me that they were behind me, no matter what the outcome of this would be. Without them, I don't think I would have survived this summer.
My ex-boyfriend was still at my back despite the hurt I've caused him. When I needed someone to stay with me through the night, he was there. When I needed someone to lay my confused head on, he was there. A part of me wanted to go back to him already but I knew that this will not be over until I directly confront Beta about what I feel so I held back and decided to push through with it.
Beta agreed to have a lunch "date" with me (after the finals) and it was then that I confessed. I already knew what his answer would be even before I opened up to him but it is not in my character to play safe. I wanted a direct refusal from him and unfortunately, I wasn't able to get it at the time. He just didn't want to talk about it, so the issue was left unanswered.
After that, Beta wasn't replying to my text messages anymore and I was very afraid of what I've done because it looked like he will be another Hunter again. It took me three years to get over Hunter, with the little that has happened to us. What more for Beta, when we've gone beyond what mere friends do? How much longer will it take me to recover from this? I needed a closure.
It took me yet several more attempts to make him reply to my text messages. Another meeting was out of the question since he was already back at his hometown by then. With the help of my friends, I was able to make him understand the urgency of my need to talk to him. I wanted to fix things up with my ex-boyfriend and I will never be able to fully come back to him until I hear it from him straight that he doesn't like me the way I do him. That way, I am sure. That way, there will be no what-ifs.
And that was what happened that night. The night after I wrote "I Want To End My Life". I was serious then, while I was writing the entry. People do not understand the impact of what my past experiences have done to my life, and to see it happening again and again to me was more than I could bear. If Beta did not reply that night, my mind would have snapped.
Beta was cold. He knew that it wouldn't be helpful for us if we continue to text each other often. I was able to make him listen to me, to make him understand my situation, until he sent me a reply which left me very angry at him.
That reply (I'm sorry) proved to me that he was a jerk. That he was a user. That he didn't give a damn about how I am feeling right then. That reply proved to me how rotten he was. That he doesn't practice what he preaches. That all he thinks about is himself.
And so that made me realize how foolish I was to fall for a person like that. That he didn't deserve all the things I've done for him.
All the time I was wondering why people don't see him the way I do. That was why. It turns out that he was simply pretending...
Sigh.
All the nights I've wasted. All the tears I've cried. All the love I was willing to give.
FOR A JERK!
Geez.
But don't get me wrong though. I am not angry at him. He is young. Maybe he doesn't mean to make me feel this way. He doesn't understand yet.
I am ashamed of myself for falling so fast but I'll never regret all the things I've done because without them, I wouldn't have been able to learn this lesson to heart:
"NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER"
No matter how well you think you know this person, you really have to make sure you are investing your feelings on someone worthwhile. You have to know your worth because, unfortunately in this world, there are those who will take advantage of you.
Take it from me. I learned it the hard way. But still, I learned.
If he goes away, I know that I've lost nothing. I've shown nothing but good intentions and I don't deserve how he treated me. But him? He lost me. And false humility aside, I know I am a way way better person than he is right now.
***
So what about my ex-boyfriend? How are we right now?
The truth is, I don't know for sure. Neither of us is certain about what will really happen to us now.
Chem 16 OX3
From my siz, Yanie! Para nman ma-preserve natin
:)
Chem 16 OX3 class ka kung alam mong...
1. si sir BRYAN CHRISTIAN DE LA ISLA ang BEST PROF (at friend) sa balat ng UP (yeah!)
2. madami kang natutunan sa chem, pero mas madami kang natutunan sa LIFE :D
3. ang class ay binubuo ng lahat ng klase ng tao. may freshies at oldies (haha!), may mga single, taken at married, ibat' ibang colleges at kung ano ano pa.
4. first impressions DEFINITELY never last. right?
5. may mga loveteams na nabuo. yiheee~
6. computerized dapat ang postlab. nakakadugo ng everything ang kakatype ng equations na punong puno ng subscripts at superscripts.
7. minsan naman walang postlab, basta (uy secret!)
8. kung depressed ka and you need a friend (or a tool), tawagin mo lang si ano (hahaha!)
9. may mga taong high ang entropy! pwedeng choco ube, punongkahoy or summery-citrus.
10. crush ni ________ si ally at si _________ naman si carlo.
11. merong mga taong twenty nine na pala pero hindi halata. (uuy nakangiti na yan~)
12. magaling magimpersonate si (pastor) Gino. soooper. as in 500 yoke of oxen.
13. kahit tumayo ka lang sa harap ni anna, tatawa na sya for 30 minutes.
14. highest na, social pa! yan si sister chinee.
15. isang araw may 'mystery guy' na nagsit-in sa lec at nagtatanong kung may possibility na mag split-up ang nucleus if it gets too excited.
16. sa last day ng class ay sinurprise ni ano si ano :D may mga nagselos kaya? hmm..
17. "Hi girls!" ang famous line ni RA.
18. may unggoy at zebra sa village nila carlo. promise.
19. masarap ang pagkain sa ate Fe's.
20. official meeting place na ang Ipil.
21. madaming artista sa class. andyan si Mar rivera, Ara mina, Renz verano, Carlo maceda, Gino padilla, B. Allyson, Glynel mercado at Yanie curtis :P
22. huwag mong sisirain ang mga plants or papatayin ang mga insects. baka boyfriend yun ni ano. HAHA!
23. marlboro lang ang yosi dati ng mga tao, pero tinuruan kami ni mayamang ally ng dunhill. kaya ngayon, "Marlboro? Ew."
24. precious ang "trunks pic" ni RA. madami nang 'papuri' ang naani ng picture na yon.
25. pag inipon mo ang pakalatkalat mong pera, aabot ito ng 700. (yaman eh!)
26. hindi ready si nikki nung sumama sya sa mimosa. wala syang shampoo, sabon, etc., pero may dala syang dalawang pares ng two-piece.
27. official bahay ang Burgundy place unit 605. required na makalat ang kwarto bago umalis. (Go papa ally!)
28. kulang pa sa evolution ang boyfriend ni ano. tttrrrrrrrrrr~ (yuck ansama :P)
29. masugid manligaw si migz. (go go go!)
30. deadly ang gin-sumthing mix ni ate lai. literal.
31. pwedeng chaser ng vodka ang okra. (hahahaha!) sa susunod na yung gin-talong at beer-ampalaya.
32. madrama ang rainbow's end album. pero that's it, DRAMA OVER! :D
33. gusto mo ng adobo! basta gusto mo ng adobo! XP
34. may mga 'bobong' boyfriend. (haha! go mar!)
35. sobrang sarap ni ara gumawa ng blueberry cheesecake.
36. may mga kasabihang "go lang ng go!", "keep going!", "I have it!" at ang mga word-for-the-day na Excelsior, Dense, at Always.
37. kahit magisip pa ng ibang venue, sa sarah's ka parin babagsak. or kela ally.
38. umiyak si ano dahil kay ano. (hay) pero tapos na yon! :)
39. masaya pumasok araw araw. you're looking forward to everyday. never a dull moment talaga!
40. kahit late ka pumasok, nakangiti paring maghe-hello si sir bry sayo.
41. hindi close si gly at yanie dati. sa kem lang sila nagkakilala. weh >_
46. kelangan mong makipagbreak para hanapin ang sarili mo (uy si ano to ah :D)
47. nagpapadala ng ibon ang BIR sa mga hindi pa nakakabayad ng tax. (hahahahahaha!)
48. hindi nagchecheck ng attendance si sir bry. isipin mo nalang, malulungkot sya kapag umabsent ka. (kunsensya mo yan)
49. Sun + Beer = Bronze. mahirap na chemical equation yan.
50. may sinulat kang crush sa bonus point. crush mo parin kaya sya ngayon? hihi *^_^*
51. masayang mag stop-dance/trip-to-jerusalem kapag alak ang kapalit ng mga upuan. (next time ulet!)
52. wag kang uuwi ng madaling araw 3days-in-a-row. wag kang sasama sa mga swimming2 na yan. baka lagyan nila ng gamot ang inumin mo at ma-rape ka! (haha!)
53. may kaklase kang na-pimp-my-ride at dalawa ang tv sa loob ng kotse.
54. meron din namang mga nangangailangan ng car wash (hahahahahaha! joke lang betz!)
55. dapat mong pakinggan mabuti ang sinasabi ni sir bago magexam at sure na sure, andun un!
56. may mga taong hindi nagnonotes pero naexempt sa exam, at meron ding hindi nag-aral pero top3 pa sa 2nd exam. wow.
57. wag kang magaaral with friends kasi siguradong babagsak lang kayo sa paglalaro ng monopoly.
58. may mga ---- na feeling artista. XD
59. nagwish ka na sana magbrownout nalang ulet para sa CS audi ulet ang exam (Aircon eh!)
60. si drei ang nagdrawing ng cartoon version ni sir sa cover ng rainbow's end. (ang cute!)
61. hindi lahat ng nakikita ay color red.
62. and last but definitely not the least, MAHAL MO ANG BUONG CLASS! MAHAL MO SI SIR BRY! diba? :)
syempre sobrang dami pa.. kayo na bahala magdagdag :D salamat sa napakasayang summer! ^_^
:)
Chem 16 OX3 class ka kung alam mong...
1. si sir BRYAN CHRISTIAN DE LA ISLA ang BEST PROF (at friend) sa balat ng UP (yeah!)
2. madami kang natutunan sa chem, pero mas madami kang natutunan sa LIFE :D
3. ang class ay binubuo ng lahat ng klase ng tao. may freshies at oldies (haha!), may mga single, taken at married, ibat' ibang colleges at kung ano ano pa.
4. first impressions DEFINITELY never last. right?
5. may mga loveteams na nabuo. yiheee~
6. computerized dapat ang postlab. nakakadugo ng everything ang kakatype ng equations na punong puno ng subscripts at superscripts.
7. minsan naman walang postlab, basta (uy secret!)
8. kung depressed ka and you need a friend (or a tool), tawagin mo lang si ano (hahaha!)
9. may mga taong high ang entropy! pwedeng choco ube, punongkahoy or summery-citrus.
10. crush ni ________ si ally at si _________ naman si carlo.
11. merong mga taong twenty nine na pala pero hindi halata. (uuy nakangiti na yan~)
12. magaling magimpersonate si (pastor) Gino. soooper. as in 500 yoke of oxen.
13. kahit tumayo ka lang sa harap ni anna, tatawa na sya for 30 minutes.
14. highest na, social pa! yan si sister chinee.
15. isang araw may 'mystery guy' na nagsit-in sa lec at nagtatanong kung may possibility na mag split-up ang nucleus if it gets too excited.
16. sa last day ng class ay sinurprise ni ano si ano :D may mga nagselos kaya? hmm..
17. "Hi girls!" ang famous line ni RA.
18. may unggoy at zebra sa village nila carlo. promise.
19. masarap ang pagkain sa ate Fe's.
20. official meeting place na ang Ipil.
21. madaming artista sa class. andyan si Mar rivera, Ara mina, Renz verano, Carlo maceda, Gino padilla, B. Allyson, Glynel mercado at Yanie curtis :P
22. huwag mong sisirain ang mga plants or papatayin ang mga insects. baka boyfriend yun ni ano. HAHA!
23. marlboro lang ang yosi dati ng mga tao, pero tinuruan kami ni mayamang ally ng dunhill. kaya ngayon, "Marlboro? Ew."
24. precious ang "trunks pic" ni RA. madami nang 'papuri' ang naani ng picture na yon.
25. pag inipon mo ang pakalatkalat mong pera, aabot ito ng 700. (yaman eh!)
26. hindi ready si nikki nung sumama sya sa mimosa. wala syang shampoo, sabon, etc., pero may dala syang dalawang pares ng two-piece.
27. official bahay ang Burgundy place unit 605. required na makalat ang kwarto bago umalis. (Go papa ally!)
28. kulang pa sa evolution ang boyfriend ni ano. tttrrrrrrrrrr~ (yuck ansama :P)
29. masugid manligaw si migz. (go go go!)
30. deadly ang gin-sumthing mix ni ate lai. literal.
31. pwedeng chaser ng vodka ang okra. (hahahaha!) sa susunod na yung gin-talong at beer-ampalaya.
32. madrama ang rainbow's end album. pero that's it, DRAMA OVER! :D
33. gusto mo ng adobo! basta gusto mo ng adobo! XP
34. may mga 'bobong' boyfriend. (haha! go mar!)
35. sobrang sarap ni ara gumawa ng blueberry cheesecake.
36. may mga kasabihang "go lang ng go!", "keep going!", "I have it!" at ang mga word-for-the-day na Excelsior, Dense, at Always.
37. kahit magisip pa ng ibang venue, sa sarah's ka parin babagsak. or kela ally.
38. umiyak si ano dahil kay ano. (hay) pero tapos na yon! :)
39. masaya pumasok araw araw. you're looking forward to everyday. never a dull moment talaga!
40. kahit late ka pumasok, nakangiti paring maghe-hello si sir bry sayo.
41. hindi close si gly at yanie dati. sa kem lang sila nagkakilala. weh >_
46. kelangan mong makipagbreak para hanapin ang sarili mo (uy si ano to ah :D)
47. nagpapadala ng ibon ang BIR sa mga hindi pa nakakabayad ng tax. (hahahahahaha!)
48. hindi nagchecheck ng attendance si sir bry. isipin mo nalang, malulungkot sya kapag umabsent ka. (kunsensya mo yan)
49. Sun + Beer = Bronze. mahirap na chemical equation yan.
50. may sinulat kang crush sa bonus point. crush mo parin kaya sya ngayon? hihi *^_^*
51. masayang mag stop-dance/trip-to-jerusalem kapag alak ang kapalit ng mga upuan. (next time ulet!)
52. wag kang uuwi ng madaling araw 3days-in-a-row. wag kang sasama sa mga swimming2 na yan. baka lagyan nila ng gamot ang inumin mo at ma-rape ka! (haha!)
53. may kaklase kang na-pimp-my-ride at dalawa ang tv sa loob ng kotse.
54. meron din namang mga nangangailangan ng car wash (hahahahahaha! joke lang betz!)
55. dapat mong pakinggan mabuti ang sinasabi ni sir bago magexam at sure na sure, andun un!
56. may mga taong hindi nagnonotes pero naexempt sa exam, at meron ding hindi nag-aral pero top3 pa sa 2nd exam. wow.
57. wag kang magaaral with friends kasi siguradong babagsak lang kayo sa paglalaro ng monopoly.
58. may mga ---- na feeling artista. XD
59. nagwish ka na sana magbrownout nalang ulet para sa CS audi ulet ang exam (Aircon eh!)
60. si drei ang nagdrawing ng cartoon version ni sir sa cover ng rainbow's end. (ang cute!)
61. hindi lahat ng nakikita ay color red.
62. and last but definitely not the least, MAHAL MO ANG BUONG CLASS! MAHAL MO SI SIR BRY! diba? :)
syempre sobrang dami pa.. kayo na bahala magdagdag :D salamat sa napakasayang summer! ^_^
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I Want My Life To End
There is nothing left for me to do but write... There is nothing more that I can do to make him feel this.
When I'm hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting...
I am left with nothing...
My life going on in circles...
And it's all my fault
Everything my fault
Always the loser
Always
And tears aren't enough to get me through
I wish for the end
I want my life to end
I am always hurt
Sometimes you just don't care
About friends
Or family
Who cares?
I want this to end
I want my life to end
I am spiraling down into the dark
And the one I want to save me
Has deserted me
So who do I have left?
I've given all
I never lied
There is nothing left to lose
Please
Let this all end
Let my life end
It was all my fault
I will end what I had begun
Anyone?
Pull the trigger
Please?
When I'm hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting...
I am left with nothing...
My life going on in circles...
And it's all my fault
Everything my fault
Always the loser
Always
And tears aren't enough to get me through
I wish for the end
I want my life to end
I am always hurt
Sometimes you just don't care
About friends
Or family
Who cares?
I want this to end
I want my life to end
I am spiraling down into the dark
And the one I want to save me
Has deserted me
So who do I have left?
I've given all
I never lied
There is nothing left to lose
Please
Let this all end
Let my life end
It was all my fault
I will end what I had begun
Anyone?
Pull the trigger
Please?
Friday, May 23, 2008
1000 Oceans
Hay. Ang gulo-gulo na ng buhay ko ngayun... Kaya tuloy hindi ako makapagsulat ng matino. Kaya heto na lang, magpopost na lang ako ng lyrics... Maganda itong song na 'to...
TORI AMOS
1000 Oceans
These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
I'M AWARE WHAT THE RULES ARE
BUT YOU KNOW THAT I WILL RUN
YOU KNOW THAT I WILL FOLLOW YOU
Over silvery hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
And if I find you
Will you still remember
Playing at trains
Or does this little blue ball
Just fade away
Over silvery hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
WELL I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I WILL KEEP
KEEP YOU FROM FLYING
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
SAIL YOU HOME
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Ang Sagot
PAUNAWA: Para sa mga pwedeng
makakilala sa tao na tinutukoy ko dito, sana huwag kayong mag-ingay
dahil ayoko sanang guluhin pa ang buhay ko. Pinagkakatiwalaan ko ang
mga kaibigan ko dito. Aamin din ako pero hindi pa ngayon
dahil alam niyo naman na hindi pa talaga pwede. Huwag niyo sana akong
pangunahan. Gusto ko lang mailahad ang lahat ng ito dahil kailangan ko
ang aking mga kaibigan.
makakilala sa tao na tinutukoy ko dito, sana huwag kayong mag-ingay
dahil ayoko sanang guluhin pa ang buhay ko. Pinagkakatiwalaan ko ang
mga kaibigan ko dito. Aamin din ako pero hindi pa ngayon
dahil alam niyo naman na hindi pa talaga pwede. Huwag niyo sana akong
pangunahan. Gusto ko lang mailahad ang lahat ng ito dahil kailangan ko
ang aking mga kaibigan.
Paunawa
sa aking mga estudyante ngayon. Dito sa Friendster, hindi ako teacher.
Normal na tao lang din ako at nakakadama rin naman ako, kahit na hindi
man ito wasto.
sa aking mga estudyante ngayon. Dito sa Friendster, hindi ako teacher.
Normal na tao lang din ako at nakakadama rin naman ako, kahit na hindi
man ito wasto.
Hindi
ako nagbibiro. Please. Tumahimik na lang kayo. Kung gusto niyong may
kausapin, huwag iyong hindi pa nakakaalam. AKO ang kausapin ninyo.
ako nagbibiro. Please. Tumahimik na lang kayo. Kung gusto niyong may
kausapin, huwag iyong hindi pa nakakaalam. AKO ang kausapin ninyo.
***
May 1, 2008
12:30pm
Sa kuwarto ko sa dorm
12:30pm
Sa kuwarto ko sa dorm
Ang
saya-saya. Super excited. Kabadong-kabado. Nakaupo sa kama at hawak ang
celfone. Naghihintay. Papunta na daw siya. Hindi ako mapakali. Sa buong
buhay ko, noon ko lang naranasan ang ganung pakiramdam. Papunta na daw
siya. Ilang araw ring hinintay. Ilang gabi ring iniyakan at ngayon,
ilang minuto na lang mangyayari na din.
saya-saya. Super excited. Kabadong-kabado. Nakaupo sa kama at hawak ang
celfone. Naghihintay. Papunta na daw siya. Hindi ako mapakali. Sa buong
buhay ko, noon ko lang naranasan ang ganung pakiramdam. Papunta na daw
siya. Ilang araw ring hinintay. Ilang gabi ring iniyakan at ngayon,
ilang minuto na lang mangyayari na din.
Wala
akong ibang iniisip. Siya lang. Hindi ko naisip kung masasaktan ba ako
o hindi, Ang naisip ko lang, papunta na siya, at siya ang unang-unang
nagpapasaya sa akin nitong mga huling araw.
akong ibang iniisip. Siya lang. Hindi ko naisip kung masasaktan ba ako
o hindi, Ang naisip ko lang, papunta na siya, at siya ang unang-unang
nagpapasaya sa akin nitong mga huling araw.
***
1:30pm
Sa lobby ng dorm
1:30pm
Sa lobby ng dorm
Nakita ko siya. Nasa labas. Hindi ko muna siya tinawag kasi kinakabahan din ako. Sign out sa log book.
"Huy!"
Nagulat siya. Halatang kinakabahan. Naalala ko pa yung text niya: "Tau lng b?"
Inisip
ko, bakit naman kaya siya kinakabahan? Ano bang gagawin namin? Ano bang
inaakala niyang gagawin ko? Siguro alam niya. Siguro.
ko, bakit naman kaya siya kinakabahan? Ano bang gagawin namin? Ano bang
inaakala niyang gagawin ko? Siguro alam niya. Siguro.
Ang init ng araw. Sobra. Nauna ako maglakad. Hindi masyado nag-uusap dahil sa sobrang init. Nag-abang ng taxi.
Ang
tagal. Ang init. Ako ang tumatawag sa taxi. Hinayaan lang niya ako.
Naghihintay ako na siya na lang ang tumawag pero hindi niya ginawa yun.
Ayos lang naman. Ako naman ang mas matanda.
tagal. Ang init. Ako ang tumatawag sa taxi. Hinayaan lang niya ako.
Naghihintay ako na siya na lang ang tumawag pero hindi niya ginawa yun.
Ayos lang naman. Ako naman ang mas matanda.
***
1:45pm
Sa taxi
1:45pm
Sa taxi
Dun ako umupo sa likod. Hindi siya tumabi. Nag-isip ako. Bakit ayaw niya tumabi?
Pero
ayos lang din dahil tuloy ang pag-text ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Para
hindi niya mahalata. Heto na. Andito na siya. Huwag na akong mareklamo.
Wala naman talaga kaming gagawin.
ayos lang din dahil tuloy ang pag-text ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Para
hindi niya mahalata. Heto na. Andito na siya. Huwag na akong mareklamo.
Wala naman talaga kaming gagawin.
Sinabi
niya kanina sa waiting shed na papuntahin ko daw si "Nega". Naasar ako.
Ano bang masama kung kami lang? Bakit siya kakabahan? Wala naman akong
masamang gagawin. Bakit ba siya kinakabahan nang ganun?
niya kanina sa waiting shed na papuntahin ko daw si "Nega". Naasar ako.
Ano bang masama kung kami lang? Bakit siya kakabahan? Wala naman akong
masamang gagawin. Bakit ba siya kinakabahan nang ganun?
***
2:00pm
Somewhere
2:00pm
Somewhere
"Magyoyosi lang ako. Hindi pa ako nagyoyosi ngayong araw."
Lumayo
ako sa kanya. Ayaw niya ng usok. Pero ok lang daw naman. Naisip ko na
wala naman siyang magagawa dahil ako ang kailangan niya. Hindi niya
lang alam kung gaano ko rin hinintay ang araw na iyon. Hindi niya alam
kung ano ang ibinayad ko para lang makasama ko siya.
ako sa kanya. Ayaw niya ng usok. Pero ok lang daw naman. Naisip ko na
wala naman siyang magagawa dahil ako ang kailangan niya. Hindi niya
lang alam kung gaano ko rin hinintay ang araw na iyon. Hindi niya alam
kung ano ang ibinayad ko para lang makasama ko siya.
Tensyon. Naninibago. Konting tanungan tungkol sa gagawin namin. Naubos ang yosi at lumapit ako. Simula na.
Tinitingnan
ko siya. Lumalapit ako. Nagkakahawakan kami minsan. Nagkakatamaan.
Kinikilala ko ang taong gumulo sa buhay ko nitong nakaraang linggo.
ko siya. Lumalapit ako. Nagkakahawakan kami minsan. Nagkakatamaan.
Kinikilala ko ang taong gumulo sa buhay ko nitong nakaraang linggo.
Higop siya nang higop sa caramel frap niya. Uhaw na uhaw. Hindi pa kami nagsisimula at ubos na yung sa kanya.
Akala
ko noong una, kakabahan ako, pero kalmado pala ako. Ako naman ang
nagdadala ng sitwasyon. Tawanan nang kaunti. Hanggang mag-biruan na.
Ilang minuto lang at gumaan na din ang loob niya. Buti naman. Siguro
nawala na ang mga duda niya.
ko noong una, kakabahan ako, pero kalmado pala ako. Ako naman ang
nagdadala ng sitwasyon. Tawanan nang kaunti. Hanggang mag-biruan na.
Ilang minuto lang at gumaan na din ang loob niya. Buti naman. Siguro
nawala na ang mga duda niya.
Ang likot ng mata niya. Ng ulo niya. Tingin nang tingin sa labas. Lingon nang lingon.
"Ano ba tinitingnan mo?"
"Wala."
Tatawa na lang ako.
"Huy nakikinig ka ba?" tanong ko kapag mukhang lost na siya sa ibang mundo, na nangyayari bawat limang minuto.
"Oo. Sige, next."
Sa totoo lang, puro ako tawa nun.
Narealize
ko nung panahon na iyon na tama ako. Sabi ko na, kapag gusto ko, gusto
ko talaga. Hindi ako nagkamali. Para bang may nagsasabi sa akin na tama
ang pagpili ko. Isang tingin pa lamang noon at alam ko na.
ko nung panahon na iyon na tama ako. Sabi ko na, kapag gusto ko, gusto
ko talaga. Hindi ako nagkamali. Para bang may nagsasabi sa akin na tama
ang pagpili ko. Isang tingin pa lamang noon at alam ko na.
Ang
kulit niya. Nakakaloko. Para talagang bata. Magsasalita ako at sisingit
siya. Nagsusulat ako at aagawin niya ang ballpen. Kapag hindi niya
alam, sasabihin niyang hindi talaga. Hindi siya nagdadahilan. Sinabi pa
nga niyang mangongopya na lang siya bukas.
kulit niya. Nakakaloko. Para talagang bata. Magsasalita ako at sisingit
siya. Nagsusulat ako at aagawin niya ang ballpen. Kapag hindi niya
alam, sasabihin niyang hindi talaga. Hindi siya nagdadahilan. Sinabi pa
nga niyang mangongopya na lang siya bukas.
"Hindi ka ba nahihiyang sabihin iyan? Nandito kaya ako."
"Mabait ka naman eh."
Tumawa na naman ako.
Sabi
niya noong una, kailangan ko daw magpasensya dahil mabagal siya
umintindi. Pero hindi naman iyon ang napansin ko. Isang paliwanag ko
lang at kaya na naman niya. Siguro minsan, kailangang ulitin. Pero
kapag hinayaan ko na siya, kaya na niya.
niya noong una, kailangan ko daw magpasensya dahil mabagal siya
umintindi. Pero hindi naman iyon ang napansin ko. Isang paliwanag ko
lang at kaya na naman niya. Siguro minsan, kailangang ulitin. Pero
kapag hinayaan ko na siya, kaya na niya.
Isang beses, nakuha niya yung tamang sagot.
"Yes!" sabi niya, sabay power-up ng bisig.
Napangiti na lang ako.
"Kaya pa?" tanong ko.
Tumango siya.
"Sige, yung mahirap naman."
"Sandali lang, yosi muna ako."
Kinuha niya ang libro at hindi na mapakali.
"Sandali lang nga. Break muna ako." Nagsindi ako ng yosi.
Kinuha niya yung lighter ko at pinaglaruan.
"Uy blue flame!" sabi niya.
"O, baka picturean mo na naman iyan ha."
Nagsimula na akong magsalita ulit. Nagsusulat. Ilang segundo lang...
"Ano ba, huwag mong sunugin yang papel!"
Titigil siya. Ilang segundo lang, susunugin ulit ang papel...
"Akin na nga iyang lighter. Mag-focus ka kasi..."
Itinago ko ang lighter ko sa bag. Kunya-kunyaring galit pero sa loob-loob ko tuwang-tuwa ako sa kanya.
***
4:00pm
Somewhere
4:00pm
Somewhere
Nagligpit na siya nang gamit.
"Ayoko na, pagod na ako. Wala nang pumapasok."
"Sige, hintayin na lang natin si Nega."
Heto na. Sabi ko. Dito na magkaka-alaman.
Kaya nag-usap kami.
"Ikaw, kamusta ka naman?"
"Ha?"
"Kamusta ka?"
"Heto..."
Nalaman
ko ang mga pangarap niya. Na gusto niyang maging ganito. Na gusto
niyang magtayo ng ganito. Yun daw ang ipapang-suporta niya sa pamilya
niya balang-araw.
ko ang mga pangarap niya. Na gusto niyang maging ganito. Na gusto
niyang magtayo ng ganito. Yun daw ang ipapang-suporta niya sa pamilya
niya balang-araw.
"Para sa pamilya ko," sabi niya. "Ikaw, pwede ka pa rin namang magkapamilya kung gusto mo."
Hindi
ako sumagot. Nakakatawa pero nalungkot ako nung sinabi niya yun. Hindi
pala ako kasama sa kinabukasan niya. Malamang hindi naman talaga dapat.
Pero naramdaman kong wala akong puwesto sa buhay niya.
ako sumagot. Nakakatawa pero nalungkot ako nung sinabi niya yun. Hindi
pala ako kasama sa kinabukasan niya. Malamang hindi naman talaga dapat.
Pero naramdaman kong wala akong puwesto sa buhay niya.
"Ano naman ipapangalan mo sa itatayo mong restaurant?"
"Rainbow's End"
Pinigil ko na lang na mapaluha.
"Bakit mo pa kasi pinapaalala yan? Nalulungkot tuloy ako..."
Maya-maya...
"Kayo pa ba ng boyfriend mo?"
"Hindi na nga."
Katahimikan.
***
"Bakit ba kasi hindi ka sumasama sa amin?"
At
iyon nagpaliwanag siya. At habang nagsasalita siya, nakita ko sa kanya
ang sarili ko. Naramdaman ko na may parte ng aming mga pagkatao na
pareho kami. Naramdaman ko na isa siya sa mga taong makakaintindi sa
akin.
iyon nagpaliwanag siya. At habang nagsasalita siya, nakita ko sa kanya
ang sarili ko. Naramdaman ko na may parte ng aming mga pagkatao na
pareho kami. Naramdaman ko na isa siya sa mga taong makakaintindi sa
akin.
Kagaya ko siya.
Pero mas magaling pa siya sa akin.
Akala
ko noon, kapag nakilala ko na siya, mawawala din ang pakiramdam kong
ito. Na kapag nakilala ko na siya, matatawa na lang ako at maiisip kong
hindi kami bagay.
ko noon, kapag nakilala ko na siya, mawawala din ang pakiramdam kong
ito. Na kapag nakilala ko na siya, matatawa na lang ako at maiisip kong
hindi kami bagay.
Pero hindi...
Hindi ganun.
Nalaman
ko na kahit mas bata pa siya sa akin, marami na rin siyang alam. Na
kaya kong makipag-usap sa kanya ng mga malalalim na bagay at
maiintindihan niya. Na kaya niyang tumanggi kung yun talaga ang
nararamdaman niya. Nalaman ko na totoo siya. Na simple ang buhay niya.
Na parang bata siya kumilos pero marami siyang alam. Nalaman ko na
malalim siya at magkakaintindihan kami. Hindi lang lalim ng utak. Lalim
ng puso. Isa siya sa mga taong akala mo ay mababasa mo lang sa mga
libro.
ko na kahit mas bata pa siya sa akin, marami na rin siyang alam. Na
kaya kong makipag-usap sa kanya ng mga malalalim na bagay at
maiintindihan niya. Na kaya niyang tumanggi kung yun talaga ang
nararamdaman niya. Nalaman ko na totoo siya. Na simple ang buhay niya.
Na parang bata siya kumilos pero marami siyang alam. Nalaman ko na
malalim siya at magkakaintindihan kami. Hindi lang lalim ng utak. Lalim
ng puso. Isa siya sa mga taong akala mo ay mababasa mo lang sa mga
libro.
Siya
yung tao na mas marami ang kayang gawin kaysa sa akin. Siya yung taong
kayang mag-liwaliw at matauhan pagkatapos. Yung tipong maghahagilap ako
para sa oras niya sa dami ng ginagawa niya. Siya yung tao na magtuturo
sa akin ng mga bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin. Siya yung tao na
magpapamukha sa akin na wala akong buhay. Siya yun. Hinahangaan ko
siya. Tinatanggap kong mas mataas siya kaysa sa akin. Siya yung taong
NAKAKADAMA at hindi lang PURO UTAK! Siya yung tao na tinatrato ako
bilang kapantay. Bilang katapat. Kahit na limang taon ang tanda ko sa
kanya.
yung tao na mas marami ang kayang gawin kaysa sa akin. Siya yung taong
kayang mag-liwaliw at matauhan pagkatapos. Yung tipong maghahagilap ako
para sa oras niya sa dami ng ginagawa niya. Siya yung tao na magtuturo
sa akin ng mga bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin. Siya yung tao na
magpapamukha sa akin na wala akong buhay. Siya yun. Hinahangaan ko
siya. Tinatanggap kong mas mataas siya kaysa sa akin. Siya yung taong
NAKAKADAMA at hindi lang PURO UTAK! Siya yung tao na tinatrato ako
bilang kapantay. Bilang katapat. Kahit na limang taon ang tanda ko sa
kanya.
PUTANG-INA! SIYA ANG GUSTO KO!
Pero narealize ko na wala akong puwesto sa puso niya. Na planado na ang lahat para sa kanya.
Oo gusto ko siya.
Gustong-gusto ko.
Pero alam ko na masisira ko ang buhay niya kapag ipinagpilitan ko ang sarili ko.
Masisira ko yung "innocence" niya.
Na sa sobrang paghanga ko sa kanya, naisip kong hayaan na lang siya. Na hindi nararapat sa kanya ang isang taong kagaya ko.
Dumilim ang langit. Kumulog. Nagulat siya nung kumidlat at napatingin sa langit.
"Ang weird naman ng panahon, summer tapos uulan," sabi ko.
"Para mag-emote ka"
Hindi ko lang ipinapakita sa kanya pero nakalabas na ang puso ko.
"May alam akong song. Ipaparinig ko sa iyo kapag patapos na ang sem," sabi niya.
"Ano iyon? Sabihin mo na para maisali ko sa album"
Ayaw niya sabihin nung una.
"Alam mo yung "Keep Holding On?" tinanong na rin niya.
"Avril Lavigne?"
Hindi siya sigurado. Maya-maya...
"Ah oo. Avril Lavigne nga."
"Oo. Alam ko iyon. Avril Lavigne pa! Fan ako nun. Actually iniisip ko nga kung isasama ko yun sa album eh."
Pinatugtog niya yung song. Nabigla ako kasi marami rin namang tao dun. Nilakasan pa niya.
"May ibibigay ako sa iyo pagtapos ng sem. Maiiyak ka," sabi niya.
"Ano yun?"
"Hindi mo ba napapansin, pinipicturean ka namin sa class."
"Ah. Hindi masyado."
Tuloy
pa rin ang musika niya. May isang song, "Say Goodbye" ng S Club 7.
Dinidictate pa niya sa akin ang lyrics. Wala siyang pakialam kahit na
lumilingon na yung ibang mga tao.
pa rin ang musika niya. May isang song, "Say Goodbye" ng S Club 7.
Dinidictate pa niya sa akin ang lyrics. Wala siyang pakialam kahit na
lumilingon na yung ibang mga tao.
"Pinapa-emote nga kita eh..."
Hindi ako sumagot. Umuulan na.
"Gusto ko maalala mo ako na ako yung nagpaiyak sa iyo..."
PUTANG-INA KUNG ALAM MO LANG!!!! NAGAWA MO NA IYON AT PAPATINDIHIN MO PA!
***
5:30pm
Somewhere
***
5:30pm
Somewhere
Mag-isa na lang ako. Nagyoyosi.
Nag-iisip. Nakikinig sa "Keep Holding On" na ipina-bluetooth ko sa kanya.
Iniisip ko yung sinabi niya kanina:
"Alam mo, ang pangarap ko, yung maging selfless"
"Selfless? Ano yun? Paano ba talaga yun?"
"Yung hindi mo na iniisip yung sarili mo... Parang service... Pero hindi ko pa rin magawa hanggang ngayon eh... Kasi..."
Nalungkot siya.
"Siguro,"
sabi ko, "kailangan mo muna maging selfish nago ka maging selfless para
maranasan mo na muna yun. Parang ako, bago ako mag-settle down,
kailangan ko na muna dumaan dito. Para kapag ready na ako, ready na
talaga ako..."
sabi ko, "kailangan mo muna maging selfish nago ka maging selfless para
maranasan mo na muna yun. Parang ako, bago ako mag-settle down,
kailangan ko na muna dumaan dito. Para kapag ready na ako, ready na
talaga ako..."
Hindi na siya sumagot.
***
9:00pm
Computer shop
9:00pm
Computer shop
Nag-iisip ako.
Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng tao na kagaya niya. Wala pa akong hinahangaan na tao na kasing taas ng paghanga ko sa kanya.
Nakakatawa
pero pakiramdam ko parang... Parang may konek kami. Pakiramdam ko na
may itinatago siyang kadiliman na alam ko at kaya ko sanang punan...
Lahat na lang ng gawin niya, o sabihin niya, nakakatuwa para sa akin.
Siya na nga ang hinahahanap ko. Alam ko. ALAM KO, SIYA NGA ANG HINAHANAP KO
pero pakiramdam ko parang... Parang may konek kami. Pakiramdam ko na
may itinatago siyang kadiliman na alam ko at kaya ko sanang punan...
Lahat na lang ng gawin niya, o sabihin niya, nakakatuwa para sa akin.
Siya na nga ang hinahahanap ko. Alam ko. ALAM KO, SIYA NGA ANG HINAHANAP KO
Pero...
Pero bakit ngayon na nakakilala ako ng taong gusto ko talaga, saka pa ako mapanghihinaan ng loob...
Hindi ko kayang sirain ang buhay niya. Ang paniniwala niya...
Gusto
ko siyang makilala. Gusto ko siyang pasayahin kasi sabi niya
nalulungkot siya parati... Gusto ko siyang alagaan... Ewan ko ba.
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman 'to sa buhay ko...
ko siyang makilala. Gusto ko siyang pasayahin kasi sabi niya
nalulungkot siya parati... Gusto ko siyang alagaan... Ewan ko ba.
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman 'to sa buhay ko...
Pero pakiramdam ko, kailangan ko siyang pakawalan...
Para din sa ikabubuti niya...
Putang-ina...
Ganito ba ang pagiging selfless?
***
SAY GOODBYE
S Club 7
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
'Cause true love never dies
***
SAY GOODBYE
S Club 7
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
'Cause true love never dies
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