So I've reached the decision that perhaps, I should stop dating for a while. Or to be truly realistic, I should try to curb it down. For the good of not only my heart, but for those I may hurt, just in case. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will probably be single for a longer time than I originally thought I'd be.
To my chagrin, most of the people who know me had developed this image of me that I'm never really truly single for long. That if I say that I am with no one, they are genuinely and comically surprised. That amuses me. Although on looking back, with all the numerous dates I've paraded around with my friends, sometimes even a new guy every week, it really shouldn't come as a surprise if they think of me like that. It amuses me because I made it look like I was a whore when deep inside, I'm really just a vulnerable baby, looking for his one true love. I only looked too assiduously. And that backfired.
You see, when your heart has gone through a lot of ups and downs as I did, you get tired eventually. And at this point, I couldn't bother myself to raise an arm to catch somebody's heart. I couldn't even make an effort to follow through all the dates some guys had been good enough to want to spend with me. I'm not being cocky, but I know that if only I spent more effort, I can easily be in a relationship right now. All those men in my past, all those reckless decisions have traumatized my already limping heart even further to the point that I am now emotionally disabled.
In a way, this is disheartening. Because I still believe that being with someone is superior to being alone. And it does not help that on hindsight, despite all my previous efforts of procuring someone else's heart, I had always been afraid of commitment. In the end, I am the one who breaks up.
It's not that I have faithfulness issues. It will always be one redeeming factor of me that I had sex with another guy only once in the middle of a relationship (and my ex-boyfriend, I found out, did the same so we're quits) and I will always be proud of that. I am afraid of commitment because I do not want to be chained. I just feel like being in a relationship will limit my freedom and there are still so many things I have to experience in this life. When my date starts to talk about being together "forever", I begin to scramble for the door out.
Also, I feel that being in a relationship somehow stunts my growth. I am probably one of the laziest guys you will ever meet, and I tend to be satisfied with the way things are in my life. Having a boyfriend increases the illusion that I am okay, and that prevents me from climbing the pyramid of perfection. I always want a struggle, and I wouldn't have that if things are too easy for me.
So all this extra time taken away from dating, I will devote instead to myself. I will try to improve how I look. I've always looked at vanity as anathema to my philosophies but I suppose it doesn't hurt to be shallow sometimes. I mean, what else am I to do next on my quest of self-improvement? My IQ, EQ, and social responsibility are being taken care of. And besides, I've always been aware that my physical appearance had been limiting me from some experiences I haven't gone through yet, so I suppose it is only natural for me to destroy that remaining barrier, right? Besides, when I'm looking better, guys will flock to me and perhaps I wouldn't spend as much time moping when someone I like rejects me.
Still, this resolution is easier said than done. Looking better involves money, and I am not exactly drowning in cash at this point in my life. I've been avoiding this issue for almost half of my adult life. I think it's high time for me to just grin and bear it.
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