Zero

I hate you! I hate it how you can still bother me when you're already gone. I hate how things around me keep pointing back to you. I hate it when you sneak into my dreams even if I never think of you. I hate it when I am reminded of my failures. I hate it when I am reminded of the fool I've made of myself almost two years ago. For nothing. I bared my heart for nothing! But was it really for nothing? No, I bared my heart to be hurt more!

I hate you! I hate you!!! I hate you because you make me act stupid. I hate you because you make me feel like I'm the lowest, ugliest, freakiest person in the world. Because you make me feel so damn low - that I believed I can have you when you see yourself as someone god-like! Too good-looking for his own ass! I hate you because you make me feel that I don't deserve you! I hate you! And I can't take it no more. No more! Because I'm so tired of this. NO MORE!!!

And I hate you more because I can't keep myself from hating you. I hate you more because I myself keep reminding me of you. I hate you because every guy I see, I compare to you. I hate you because you make me feel so helpless. Because you're like this hurricane sweeping me away and it's all I can do to hold on. It's all I can do, dammit! And you're not even here! You're not aware. Not even aware of how much damage you've done. So what does it say about me? Fuck it! I'm trying to move on! I'm trying to forget, and it should have been easy because there's really nothing to forget!

But that's what makes it harder - because to you, there's nothing to forget! But to me? To me???!!! What about me??!!! I'm a loser. I'm the biggest LOSER because I can't even forget a person as insignificant as you should have been! I'm a loser because here I am, trying to eradicate all traces of you out of my system and with one resemblance, with one picture, with one word I read from you, everything comes falling down and I'm back to square one.

But you know what, you self-centered motherfucking jerk? (I'm reduced to a state so low, all I can do is hate you) You know what - there's one person in this world I hate more than you.

Me.

M.

E.

ME!

Weak, foolish, stupid ME!

***

Go. I hope you can just disappear from my memory. All moments I had with you... Anything related to you. I want them gone. Gone. Null. Nothing. Non-existent. Make-believe. They're just dreams. You're a dream. Unreal. Zero.

I'm so tired of this... No more. No more please?

Someone...

***

Please save me

***

I just had to let this out of me... This too shall pass.

Please...

Save me

:'(

(God, I'm so ashamed of myself... but I just can't take it anymore. And who would care if I hurt right now, anyway? Who will symphatize with someone who's hurting because of his own stupidity. Who cares? Who really cares? Do you understand how it is? Do you understand what it's like to be me? You're not here... And I'm hurting. Stupid. Can't even stop myself from feeling hurt)

***

Remember what Orlando Bloom said: "Keep your eye on the horizon."