What's Real

Completely moving on from our past relationships is not an easy thing to do. I don't think that it's just me who experiences it - as always, I'm the only one vocal enough to have the initiative to talk about taboo stuff (especially when you're in a relationship). There will always be moments when you go around your "new" happily established life, feeling pure and carefree, and something unexpected will remind you of what was (or what could have been) a big part of your life.

For instance, this afternoon I was at National Bookstore, thinking of buying a book and stacked on one of the shelves were Nicholas Sparks' titles, and without thought, my eyes scanned for "The Notebook" which was O's favorite book, and I was reminded of those days when I was doing my "research" on him, and the time when I swore to myself that I would read that book just so I can find what makes it interesting for him. And in doing so, get to know him better.

And no, I'm not going to say "yuck" to myself, because at that time (no matter how foolish the whole thing appears now), I was obsessed with the person and I was simply doing what any normal person will do when in that state.

And no, I'm not going to be angry at him. I'm not going to call him a "jerk" because I believe that that is a weak way of trying to get over a person. When you let someone go, you have to let go with your whole heart - no bad feelings. During the early stages of "recovering", I was convincing myself to be angry, because at that time, that was the only way for me to step forward. But now, I believe that I am really learning to let go.

Speaking of O, I saw him again last week, and when our eyes met, I (still) wasn't completely unaffected as I thought I would be. What I felt was a certain mixture of sadness, anger, regret, and ummm, admiration (?) probably because:

1. I was reminded of the mess I made of our relationship. I can't shake the feeling that I bungled us!



2. Why is he so cool about it? As if he wasn't rude when we last talked? As if he didn't tell me to shut up because my "time's up"?!



3. If I didn't tell him about it, he'll probably say "Hi!" to me, and I'll be able to ask him how he is (though I'm not sure if that will exclude blushing.) We still could've been friends. (Aww...)



4. Last, he's still the best-looking guy I've ever met (and he's looking better) and I wasn't even able to shag (term courtesy of Doreen TM), much less kiss him! Aaaargh!

If you've been my Friendster friend ever since those days, and is an avid reader of this blog, it will come as no surprise that I am still talking about it. Only my best readers know how much I've invested in that guy, how much I was hurt in return, and they might even consider it a miracle that I am moving on.

Writing about it really helps. Letting it out, may it be through this blog, or by freely talking about it in class, or discussing it with my friends, helps in my healing process. What I'm actually worried about is that I'm actually running out of things to let out. (Laughter)

Perhaps the best thing to let go of someone is to believe that you not being able to hook up with that person, or you not being able to make your relationship last, is probably for the best. I can't make myself angry with him, no matter what he did to me, but what I can do instead is to believe that he will be happier with another person. That that person, whoever she/he may be can make this person who used to occupy a big place in my heart, something more that I cannot give. That that somebody can and will love him better than I can.

In that way, we both end up happy.

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But then again, I've told you that it's not an easy thing to do.

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Yet I've done it. And if you tell me that I haven't, I'm on my way to it. Right, baby?

In our relationship, ghosts of the past will come and haunt us (ehem Alpha, is this you?!!!!) and there's no way to stop them from coming. But what we can do is to learn how to be unaffected by them, no matter how slowly it might be. I've faltered, but I've learned what I needed to learn. Ghosts aren't real, but you are real. Darwin is real. Darwin loves Bryan, and Bryan loves Darwin is real. Our love is real.

Mwah!

:)

(Hihihihi! Can't help it, sorry)