My Forca

I'm already 22, and I've been living independently for about two years now, but every now and then I still feel the urge to go home and see my mom especially when I'm not feeling emotionally okay (which happens every few weeks or so.)

I can't quite understand how I feel recharged after sleeping at my parents' for the weekend. In fact, when I'm here, there are days when I feel like going back to my apartment because I am already unused to having other people under the same roof. Sometimes, I miss my independence - I miss doing things on my own.

I don't even talk to my mom at length (this blog knows more about me.) Maybe it has something to do with her mere presence which comforts me. When she's there, I feel relaxed. I can sleep easier. Like I don't have to worry where my next meal will come from because she's there to prepare it for me. Haha. Or maybe it's something a bit deeper than that.

We're not very expressive - me and my mom. In fact, I can't remember hugging her since my college graduation. We don't say "I love you" to each other, not even "goodbye" when I'm going back to my apartment.

I remember the time when I made layas from our house because of an argument with my dad. There were times when I almost cried while I was riding the jeepney going nowhere because I was missing my mom so much. When I came back home, it was her birthday, and I even brought a siopao and some Cornetto ice cream for her. I didn't have enough money to buy her more. She was the one who opened the gate, and there were black rings around her eyes like she has been crying for a long time. I felt guilty for making her worry so.

Another time, when my dad refused to give me money for the UPCAT application (he didn't want me to go to UP), and I was crying loudly because I really wanted to go to UP, my mom came to my side. She couldn't quite oppose my dad too openly. She simply sat beside me doing nothing while I was bawling my hearts out. I felt that she wanted to comfort me in some way, but she just didn't know how to begin.

We've been through a lot, me and my mom. And I don't want to dwell on the details because I might become too emotional. But whenever people praise me because of my character. Whenever people admire me for my courage, for being who I am right now, they're really praising my mom because I owe it all to her. In fact, during my pseudo suicidal moments, my mom is the main reason why I can't kill myself - I just can't hurt her.

During one of our inuman sessions when I was already a bit tipsy, I told her straight out that I'm magaling because she's magaling as a mother, and that I wouldn't have been able to achieve so much without her.

And she smiled. She just smiled. But with our kind of mother-son relationship, that is already something.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy. I know you don't really read my blogs (you don't even have a Friendster account!), but I still want you to know that even if I can't be your ideal son, I'm trying my best to make you proud. Be it in this blog or in the real world.

You are my Forca.

(Yikes minsan, ayoko talaga ng chummy moments pero totoo naman kasi eh!)