Crushed You

Some days ago, I was sitting outside the Chemsoc tambayan, smoking while waiting for you to pass by. I was trying to see how I would react to seeing your face again after letting you know - being open about the fleeting feeling I thought I had for you. I was craning my neck to look out for you at the place where you'd come from, checking the time every now and then. I was waiting for you to walk by and perhaps say "Hi", but you never came.

I feel funny thinking about the whole "alpha" thing now. A week ago, I thought that you're going to turn out to be another O, and I was already bracing myself for the struggle to fight that foolish feeling. But it seems that I really did learn from my previous experience even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. I really have learned how to give up and let go.

I did cry for you, you know. Or maybe I cried for the whole mess I made for myself, with me and my baby "on the rocks" for the first time, and me believing that you were somehow flirting back with the whole chalk thingy.

I was in my Chem 16 class, then, and I was looking for my schedule inserted in my laboratory manual when I came upon this piece of paper where I wrote your "hieroglyphical" scribbles. Shame welled in my chest at the sight of those symbols. Shame and self-pity, and I cried because I felt so sorry for myself. I felt so stupid. So immature for believing in a "you and me". And what made it worse was that I wrote them down. It was humiliating to admit that I was that desperate.

I realized that it isn't that easy to let go of your hopes and feelings no matter how baseless they are. I knew it was stupid, but like what I did with O, I allowed myself to be saturated with the feeling. I cried, because it did hurt to accept that there are just so many things that I could not touch. But what really surprised me about this whole issue is that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

I even dreamt about you last night. I dreamt that you were in jail and I was sorta responsible for you getting locked up in there. And then, the whole place did a "World Trade Center" and collapsed on itself inexplicably. You and the other prisoners were trapped but were still alive so there was really no need to panic much. Before waking up, the last concern I had in my dream was how to get you out of the mess I've got you into.

It's just a dream, just that, and believe me - I really want to put more colour into that but I just don't feel like it. It's just a dream, that's all.

True, every now and then, I still get to think of you. (You know, it's not really you I think of - it's the idea of a "you" which is not real.) True, every now and then, especially when I'm feeling lonely, I think of what could have been if you and I got together. I think of how sweet it might have been. I think of how sexy it might have been, but each time that I do, I wake up from it sooner than the previous time.

Some of my readers will perhaps think that I "fall" that easily, or that perhaps "pretty boys" easily capture my heart. Honestly, they're quite wrong because I've met a lot of better looking guys but I just don't develop something for them. It's something with their personality that I'm really attracted to.

I've put you into this, and it's my responsibility to bring you back down if ever you're like some of those guys who get their heads inflated just because someone "famous" crushes on them. That is the sole purpose of this entry.

I hope you're not going to turn to be another O with his fucked up snottiness, but if you are then I'll just deal with it. I took what I wanted and I'll pay for it.

I did learn after all. I feel so cool about it now I might even kiss you for real and feel nothing.