Escape

Some people just do nothing but make you feel bad. Sometimes you think you have convinced yourself that you have moved on and yet you still have this ill feeling inside you.

I dont like it when I am this way. I know it is stupid, pathetic, baseless, and yet why? Why do I have all this inside of me again? Some people just leave nothing but bad memories behind. Even if it started as a harmless and pure relationship.

And yet they are memories still. How can I forget talking with LE about our plans, our made up stories, our interpretations? No matter how silly it all was, it still WAS a part of my life. No matter how I try to leave it behind, the next thing I know, something stirs it up again. I hate it! It IS stupid, weak, FOOLISH. I know all that, and again, the interminable question, WHY?!

Here's a tip for you: Dont fly too high because it hurts more when you fall. But do I really mean it? Is the dreadful feeling I have now worth the excitement and smiles I had? No matter how it hurt, how it shamed me to the bone, how it made me do things I never EVER would have considered in any other circumstance, it was still worth it. It was worth all the good mornings I had. It was worth all the momentary hopeful wishes I made. It was worth all the craziness I have and have not done.

No regrets. It still hurts but.. no regrets. Thats the way to live my life. Who knows? Maybe I wont ever feel that way again. Maybe it was my only chance. Maybe its the path I was destined to follow. So I took it. I made a mistake... I thought. I was hurt because I did not think... I thought. I thought wrong.

It was all meant to happen. If it did not come now, when will I learn? When I am too old? When it is too late? In a way, I am still grateful that things happen to me. Even if it felt bad. At least, I am not that inexperienced as some people I know. I can say, with my chin up, that I have been there. That I passed through hell's glare, singed, but changed for the better. My heart was ripped apart, stepped on, left out in the cold totally neglected. No matter. I am not an eyeless slug hiding under a rock. Knowing nothing about the world.

You may say that "Oh, he's got it all figured out na naman. He'll be ok." Really? Knowing what is wrong is one thing, solving it is another. But I cant blame myself if Im here again. I mean, I am not really doing anything active about this. Im letting it pass by. If it came again, what can I do? Stop it? Ignore it? I let it out. I cough it all out. I dont want it inside me. I dont need you anymore. If you're reading this, there - I dont need you anymore.

Sounds like Im bitter? I feel bitter, yes, but it is true that I dont need you anymore. if you turned out to be like that, then I wasted all my emotions on you. I know you would love to hear that.

And yet... Sometimes I feel like doing what you did when you saw me. Ignore, walk away, hasten your steps, and run. Run! Run like your running for your life! Run like Im a monster. I want to run! I want to get away from this. I want to know how it feels to escape and free myself of... you.

God, I really want to!