War

I went home to my parents' yesterday. And I just left a few hours ago. It was weird. I was reluctant to go. because, perhaps, I still did not want to be in my own element. When I am at the boarding house, especially now that Joy has left, I feel.. solitary?

I will feel Joy's absence more in the few days to come. Who will I talk to now? I think Id be spending more time with my cigs up at the rooftop.

Perhaps I wanted to stay home because of my mom. Or my pet baby. I didnt get to spend more time with my family. I arrived home from the party 6am. I slept, woke up at noon. Played my PS, rocked the house with music from the Sugababes. After eating dinner, I left. It was funny how I thought I was more comfortable living on my own before. Well, things were different then. I had a reason to go back to the boarding house to.

I am still not feeling okay. I am tolerably fine, but I dont feel like jumping. I am not leaking with tears. I dont want to be back in my own element. It will only set me to thinking about things past. About the two paths I used to tread and explore.

About the left path, I have nothing more to say except explanations. Nothing more will happen there. Thinking about it is painful. Like scraping my insides with something sharp. When I think of it more, I hurt myself more. I still cannot get over it because things were not fully explained for  me to be able to close the book and move on.

At last night's party, I had the opportunity to talk about it with a friend. Her conclusions matched those of my other friend's. Their explanation was reasonable, and if proven true, will probably lessen the pain by making me happier. They said that the left path did consider opening itself to me, and was surprised that it did consider, and so tried to run away from all of it by leaving me behind. It sounds egocentric, I agree, but possible. I dont really want to consider it anymore. I dont want to try lighting another flame on that stubbornly wet wood. It is over. OVER! I have to hear it from myself. It is OVER! Not even friends, everything about that is OVER. FORGET ABOUT IT!

I consider myself pathetic. Telling you about that stupid possible explanation. Sometimes, it is just hard for me to accept that I failed. That I messed up. That I did not think of things well. In fact, I do not really believe that I failed. Hahaha. I believe I still made something happen there, on the left path.. Here's something..

"cant you understand? didnt you think what the effect on me would be by your negative reaction (the negative feeling you have for me now)? i am not talking about you rejecting me. i have passed through that a long time ago. it was our friendship i cared for!

"now if you feel that you want to be disconnected from me, just say it! just tell me that i have destroyed our friendship because i made the mistake of being in love. just say that all the memories we all have had can all go to hell because the one who made it all possible has fallen in love with the wrong person. i need you to say it straight! dont do it like what you did. dont lie to me. saying that it wasnt a big deal to you, and yet proving the contrary with your reply."

Enough about that. It makes me feel sick. I dont want to explain the bit of correspondence above. I think that it sums up the things which have happened. That is why I included it here.

Now on the other path... the right path. What has been happening? Confusion. On the part of the path. On my part.. expectation. It gets terribly hard sometimes. This waiting. Especially when the subjects involved are in front of you. And you get the thought that all except you will be okay. And perhaps a memory loss (or modification) has happened..

It does make me suffer, watching things happen before I close my eyes..  But if its the best thing for the path, then what can I do?  I would let it be. All I need is a word to stop waiting - if I really am to stop waiting. But if there is still hope, I will hang on. No matter how painful it is for the both of us. But for now, it will be enough that the path will be made aware that there are effects to its actions.. Often undesirable in my part.  But no complaints. I have to bear it.

I am afraid that I will end up losing the right path, too. A sarcastic but fitting ending to my previous actions.

Life has never been this complicated. Before, I used to worry about school stuff. Org stuff. Money. Sometimes, domestic problems. Now.. I get to think about these. Relationships. The game of love. Hitting and missing. Meeting emotions at the same time. Knowing what is right and what is wrong. About losing your face. About nights under stars, thinking, with my smokes. Or sometimes with the srars themeselves. Just talking with them. About losing sleep for unknowable reasons. Knowing myself and how it brought me nowhere. Being honest and how it brought me nowhere.

But not everything has been bad. My friends are there. Now. In fact, I am not alone in fighting this war. They are with me. Encouraging me. I am not saying this just because it sounds nice to place in here. They ARE with me. Even those who do not know the whole story. I am fighting this war against despair, not alone, but with my friends, my pet cat Baby, with my mom (even if she does not know it), and with Gwen Stefani and the rest of her colleagues in music. We are fighting this bad feeling inside of me. Victory is not in sight yet, but it will come. I know it will!I cant wait to win, its been so long..  but for now, I will have to go on fighting. Fire! Fire away (in my blog) and be careful of being hit (in my heart).

The Sweetest Fun

The effect of writing too late is that you lose the emotion. How can I write well about something which has happened yesterday?

I have escaped. Forced to escape better. Left behind. I dont matter. It is hard to know that after all that you have done, you just dont matter enough to keep. Why are some people like that?

Last night when I arrived at the boarding house.. I went straight to my bed. I lay down. And cried while listening to Back For More. I was not saying goodbye to <runner>, I was saying goodbye to memories. After all, no matter how silly the reason, <runner> was still a part of my life..

Oh those memories.. Those days. Theyre gone. Taken from me. Never will they happen again. They dont matter to <runner>. No. They dont matter. <Runner> wants to leave them behind. Leave me behind. When Ive done nothing wrong but.. be myself.

I just didnt want to lose another person in my life again. But it has to happen again! I had to suffer again! You might not deserve it but.. Im.. I..

I hate myself when I sound mushy about that fucking <toot!>. I really do not feel anything of the sort! (yeah?) Yeah.

Anyway, I cried that night. I havent cried like that in months. Fortunately, I was the only one at the boarding house. While I was crying, I was looking for this person. Someone whom I wanted to hug, someone who's shoulder I want to cry to - my mom. Yeah.. I am not going to deny that I would have liked her to be there. Even if she is unaware of the things which have happened to me, I knew that she would understand. Even if were not that close.. I was just so hurt...

This entry sounds fragmented. Because.. I am still.. I dont know. Not ok? Maybe. Confused why I am so affected.. When nothing happened? Why did <runner> react that way?

Hey Mom
Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go
Out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn't you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They're like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they're bad for me
But I just can't leave 'em alone

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good

Hey Mom
Since we're talking
What was it like when you were young
Has the world changed
Or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun

Escape

Some people just do nothing but make you feel bad. Sometimes you think you have convinced yourself that you have moved on and yet you still have this ill feeling inside you.

I dont like it when I am this way. I know it is stupid, pathetic, baseless, and yet why? Why do I have all this inside of me again? Some people just leave nothing but bad memories behind. Even if it started as a harmless and pure relationship.

And yet they are memories still. How can I forget talking with LE about our plans, our made up stories, our interpretations? No matter how silly it all was, it still WAS a part of my life. No matter how I try to leave it behind, the next thing I know, something stirs it up again. I hate it! It IS stupid, weak, FOOLISH. I know all that, and again, the interminable question, WHY?!

Here's a tip for you: Dont fly too high because it hurts more when you fall. But do I really mean it? Is the dreadful feeling I have now worth the excitement and smiles I had? No matter how it hurt, how it shamed me to the bone, how it made me do things I never EVER would have considered in any other circumstance, it was still worth it. It was worth all the good mornings I had. It was worth all the momentary hopeful wishes I made. It was worth all the craziness I have and have not done.

No regrets. It still hurts but.. no regrets. Thats the way to live my life. Who knows? Maybe I wont ever feel that way again. Maybe it was my only chance. Maybe its the path I was destined to follow. So I took it. I made a mistake... I thought. I was hurt because I did not think... I thought. I thought wrong.

It was all meant to happen. If it did not come now, when will I learn? When I am too old? When it is too late? In a way, I am still grateful that things happen to me. Even if it felt bad. At least, I am not that inexperienced as some people I know. I can say, with my chin up, that I have been there. That I passed through hell's glare, singed, but changed for the better. My heart was ripped apart, stepped on, left out in the cold totally neglected. No matter. I am not an eyeless slug hiding under a rock. Knowing nothing about the world.

You may say that "Oh, he's got it all figured out na naman. He'll be ok." Really? Knowing what is wrong is one thing, solving it is another. But I cant blame myself if Im here again. I mean, I am not really doing anything active about this. Im letting it pass by. If it came again, what can I do? Stop it? Ignore it? I let it out. I cough it all out. I dont want it inside me. I dont need you anymore. If you're reading this, there - I dont need you anymore.

Sounds like Im bitter? I feel bitter, yes, but it is true that I dont need you anymore. if you turned out to be like that, then I wasted all my emotions on you. I know you would love to hear that.

And yet... Sometimes I feel like doing what you did when you saw me. Ignore, walk away, hasten your steps, and run. Run! Run like your running for your life! Run like Im a monster. I want to run! I want to get away from this. I want to know how it feels to escape and free myself of... you.

God, I really want to!

Paths

I missed writing here. I would have written a lot if I wasn't so busy with the enrollment and all my duties at IC.

I already know my new workload. I will be teaching 2 chem 16 classes (hurray!), 1 chem 28.1 class (...mpf), and (surprise!) 2 chem 125 classes. It was really a bit flattering to be given that course to teach. I mean its chem ONE25, higher chem.. for majors! And I was given that already on my second sem of teaching! Maam Llorente chose me because she overheard me saying that I wanted to teach chem 125. By the way, for those who do not know, Chem 125 is Basic Electronics for Chemical Instrumentation.. so I will be handling those resistors, diodes, etc.

Im actually a bit apprehensive about teaching it because chem 125 has never been my forte (because it really isnt chem at all!). But Im not that bad at it. In fact, I was one of those who always constructs the given circuits properly. (Yeah, honestly, 6 lang students sa classes ng 125 lab di ba?) The subject was nice pa nga sometimes, but I really am not into the theoretical stuff. And what's more, I'll be teaching my orgmates at chemsoc. The good thing about that is that at least, when they ask me something I dont know, I can always make a joke about it... Hehehe (nervous laugh)

Enough about that. What else to say? Oh yeah, about the movie, Cry Wolf. That was the best movie I have seen this year.. Because it made me think and I wasnt able to guess the outcome. (The trailer was part of the "lying" theme of the movie.) I actually tried to do the same ("manipulate your friends, eliminate your enemies") the day after watching it. Unfortunately, the plan backfired, and me and my accomplice were left for worse. It wasnt really that bad an outcome but not good all the same - "uncomfortable" may be the correct word. I just wanted to get back at those gossiping idiots! I actually did, without them knowing they were fooled, but they still believed the LIE was true. How gullible and foolish.

You deserve it, because you are always gossiping about ME! It is really irritating how you guys look at me and think you know the whole truth. Cant you accept that your view is biased? Claiming to be chemists and yet not really practicing what you should have learned. Fools! Drawing to conclusions! Just because you know a part of the story does not mean the rest will be like what you think it is. I really dont care whether you lie and smile to my face and curse me behind my back. It just shows how low you all are! If I tell you everything I know perhaps you will just melt to the floor with shame! But I wont do that. I dont want to humiliate you further than I need to..

You MAY wonder why I am not so down as I were in my previous entries. If you think properly, you may be able to guess what really happened and what is happening to me. I am in a state where I was before but not really the same. In a better state than that, a state without confusions. Now I can see just one path ahead of me. It was actually the same path, the path I have left, the Right path. The Left path, which I chose, was empty, and it gave me all the heartaches I have written here. I will never make that mistake again. At the least (but more honestly), I will try harder not to. We can never really know what will happen in the end.

Enough said. Time will tell.

Always Come Back To You

I've got no time to give
Cause it's now or never
Cause the way I feel
It won't last forever
When you're at that point in life
It just has to be tonight

It's a long, long road
But I'll always come back to you
I don't know which way to turn
But I feel it's the right thing to do
There's too much for me to learn
But I'll always come back to you

I can't fast turn back
Are you in a prison
There's no turning back
There's no indecision
You were always there for me
Now it's your turn to be free

Cause we're a long way from home
But I'll always come back to you
I don't know which way to turn
But I feel it's the right thing to do
There's too much for me to learn
But I'll always came back to you

Sometimes you just have to leave it all behind you
Take a chance, just know you're not alone

It's a long, long road
But I'll always come back to you
I don't know which way to turn
But I feel it's the right thing to do
There's too much for me to learn
But I'll always come back to you
I'll always come back to you

Courage

It is common knowledge to those who know me that I wanted to be Harry Potter (and sometimes I make believe that I really am him). Ive been a fan since I was in high school, before the movies started. It was just that I found myself like Harry in many ways. He was skinny, with a messy mop of black hair, bespectacled, green-eyed (green is my favorite color), and abused by his cousin and uncle (I was too, by my dad and my bro before he went mad). It was rare for me to find someone I can relate to, especially in those times when everybody is waiting for me to grow up. It was the start of my obsession.

Unfortunately, magic is not real in the scientific world where I am now. It is quite confusing, making believe there is magic when scientific data proves there is and will never be such a thing. They are indeed opposite - phenomena you cannot explain through science is called supernatural or magical. I really do not believe in magic anymore. I am, like most of us, am growing old and starting to lose my imagination.

Besides physical appearances, there is one more thing which is common in both of us - the thirst to prove ourselves. And Harry did. He survived encounters with dark wizards and became the hero he never thought he could be. He found a home in the magical world, where many thinks he is special. I did, too. I proved that I can excel in many of the things I like. I simply had to let go of myself, and do what I want. I made things happen. I did not pass through events without making ripples if not waves. I made myself known. I made my mark.

Like Harry, could I have been sorted into Gryffindor?  I was in doubt about that for some time. Gryffindor needs courage - something I thought that I was lacking. I mean, I am peace-loving. I am not the bully. I dont pick fights with just everyone..

But I was wrong. Courage cannot be measured in that sense alone. We may not have monsters, or dark wizards in our world which we can fight, but we have our own problems. It is through those that we can show true courage.

For instance, just last month, I summoned all my courage to be able to tell someone about my feelings. It was very hard in the beginning. Something inside told me - No! Dont be a complete fool! Think! But I never listened to that voice. I told myself that if it is going to happen, I will make it happen. I will know the outcome NOW. The chance may never come again. I do not want to just sit watch, and let it pass by.

It was not easy though. That night was one of the most difficult times of my life. Like I was passing through this grinding machine all the hours when I was doing it. It feels the same as when you are facing a real monster (as if I would know). It did not turn out.. good. And that is the reason why I fell. It is puzzling that however you think you have prepared yourself for the worst, you are still not ready.

But I am proud of myself for doing that - showing how I feel. It may not seem like it was the best thing to do, in those circumstances. The good thing is, I ended it. I survived (not strictly correct - still surviving). It was true - what cant kill you makes you stronger.

And so, there. I have told you about how brave I was. Could you have done it in my place? Maybe. But it isnt as simple as it seems to be. It wasnt your typical scenario. Not at all.

I am happy about my decisions. And I think I will be making another big one soon. Before my birthday or on my birthday itself. I will show you how brave I can really be. Be ready. I hope I am.