B-DNA

Most of us are aware that whenever a person exaggeratedly professes and publicizes something about himself or herself - e.g. intelligence, good looks, wealth, or one's lover - we know that that person is, most likely, actually insecure about it. These people need to affirm these things to themselves because somehow, they believe that they do not really have what it is that they are proclaiming to have in abundance. I know this from my experience. For instance, the most intelligent people I know do not feel the need to make every single conversation intellectual. They do not even like to draw attention to themselves that way. They are confident in their abilities and they do not need others to affirm that they are some of the smartest people around. 

I am not an exception to this, of course. There was a time when I did try to show more of my "pa-cool" side because I was still trying to project this image that I have, indeed, made a drastic turnabout in my lifestyle. That I'm done with being a nerd, and to erase that image, I had to be a bit louder. I just had to let people know that I'm wilder now. That I go to these crazy parties. That I sleep late and drink and smoke and go to concerts and all that. And then there was a period when I talked about sex a tad too much. I know that whenever I blab about this, some would think I'm too new to these things. That I'm actually too naive. And I was. I'm much more comfortable in my skin now so I've become a bit more quiet when it comes to that. But what I'm more curious about is whether anyone has noticed that I'm much too loud, even for an average gay guy. That it may seem that I'm trying too hard to remind everyone that I am gay now.

If you are going to apply what I've talked about in the first paragraph then you can deduce that I am loud because I am insecure about my gayness. Well, that is a fact. I am insecure about it because there are still times when I don't feel that I am really 100% gay and that scares the shit out of me. I must remind myself by reminding everyone that I am indeed, a changed man now so when I talk about me having hetero tendencies, everyone would just laugh it off and think I'm kidding and in effect, that would remind me that I'm kidding myself as well. Although at times, my laughter at myself is tinged with more than a hint of nervousness.

There are moments when I regret that I've overdone it again (as with most things in my life). I've overdone my having a gay image, and now no one will take me seriously if ever I talk about having feelings for a girl. I feel sad about it, but I suppose it's the safest way. Not for me, but for the theoretical girl I'm interested in. No girl deserves being lumped with a man like me. And considering my tumultuous hetero history, I am not inclined to hurt another person that way. I feel sad that I have to put up walls like this, but this is for the best.

Many times, when I'm in bed with some random guy, I feel this coldness. This feeling that things could've gone much better if I were straight. That in the moment while I'm fooling around with the guy, I couldn't shake off nagging questions such as "Why am I doing this? What for?" and that takes a lot out of that supposedly pleasurable moment and it always leaves me regretting having sex with the guy in the first place.

Now I'm not struggling against my sexuality. Not anymore. I've accepted it wholeheartedly. I suppose what I am struggling against is how illogical it is. How irrational some of the things our DNA's dictate us to do. Take for instance, sex. Now I'm not going to beat around the bush here. Sex is a need, and those who believe otherwise are either inexperienced or just fooling themselves. That is why, with all my talk of not really enjoying it, I still go out and do it. Because whether I like it or not, I must satisfy that craving. And it comes and goes. Once you've had it, you'll need it again. And it never ends. At least for men, I think. And it's this vicious cycle that I am trying to escape. Only I can't. Because it is in my DNA.

If I had complete control of myself, I would stop having casual sex altogether. But these are primal urges and it's tearing me apart keeping them reined in. I know that what makes us distinct from animals (among many things) is that we have the ability to make a choice - to not surrender to our instincts. Such decisions are products of rational, logical, and critical thinking but it seems that humans are just not made to be that way.

Another excellent example is love, which involves a lot of unnecessary foolishness and pain (by this time you should know this) and yet still, we fall. We fall, over and over and it doesn't take too long for us to see that love is at the extreme end of logic. It's just craziness in romanticized form. But from an evolutionary perspective, love does make our whole race survive since it improves the chances of offspring reaching adulthood, among many other purposes. I accept these things. I am aware of them. But that still does not make it easier for me to connect what should be to what is. Seems like our illogical tendencies pull us back from being the most rational of beings on this planet. That in the end, love wins. Or put another way, foolishness wins.

This is silly. Because I expect evolution to be focused  on improvement of the whole race. But what it only cares about, apparently, is the survival of our species. Logical or not. Improved or not. Morally acceptable or not. And this is where my big stupid dilemma arises - I am trying to fight what I was meant to be. In other words, I am trying to be rationally perfect when my composition is itself, imperfect. And my, this is one of the hardest battles ever.

I have learned to overcome my earlier overdependence on love (and sadly, I am currently at the position that love is an inferior need) and this prompts me to proceed to the next higher level. Can I also overcome the need for wasteful sex just to be a more rational human being?

Or is this another case of me overdoing things again?