Leather Shoes

I stared at my reflection on the train window as it sped past the city lights of Manila. Outside I looked uptight and controlled, with my long sleeves and slacks and my leather shoes and leather bag. I looked like a professional, and in that sense I was pleasing to look at. But I also looked like a common office worker. My eyes went over to the rest of the passengers on the train. Those who were standing were leaning and swaying, those who were sitting were sagging on their seats. Just another bunch of people tired from the day's toil. Just another group waiting to get home to rest. This is my world now, I thought. I belong with these people now.

I remembered how I used to dress back in UP. I remembered how while I was working, I was still able to develop my fashion sense and come up with a style of my own, even if my awareness about clothes developed a tad too late. Still, I had been able to express myself. I got to wear what I felt like wearing. From my statement shirts to my sneakers, from my shorts and jackets to my overabundance of accessories. I got to be who I was then. And now I must wear more formal clothes not because I want to wear them but because I am required to.

I've been feeling very tired from work lately. And it shouldn't be a surprise, what with my nine lecture classes in the university, my whole-day Saturday stint at the chem boards review center, and my twice a week tutorial in Manila. I've been juggling three jobs for the past two months now and the stress is slowly creeping into my very bones. Back in UP, I can't remember being this tired for so long. True, there were major hectic days but most of the time, I still had time for myself. I still had enough time for my nightly coffee at TechnoHub. Extra time to shoot my music videos and plan my albums. Extra time to plan my parties or just to reflect and think on whatever was my issue at the moment. In UP, I almost never felt like I was working. I never had a reason to stay on my bed and skip my classes. But now, I'm getting my first taste at how it feels to really earn a living.

I do not have the right to complain really, and I am not. I wished for this to happen to me. I needed to bring myself down on the dirt because I wanted to appreciate more the things that I have. But unfortunately, instead of motivating me to climb higher and be where I am supposed to be, the strain I'm experiencing now has only made me want to quit and give it all up.

Many times, I daydream of escaping from the tedium of it all. That I wish I could just take a bus to somewhere I've never been to before and start anew. I wish I could just hand in my resignation letter, say I'm sorry, say I'm confused, say I changed my mind, and just walk away. Maybe become a simple coffee barista. Or maybe a DJ at a club, if I'm lucky. Or maybe I can teach at a simple school somewhere in the provinces. I just want to be far away from the center of all this busyness and take some time to figure out what I really want to be.

I find it strange that my life seemed to be chock full of paradoxes. I've spent the past years of my life trying to know who I am and now that I finally understand more about myself, I've come to the conclusion that I really do not know what I want to be.

There is a powerful dichotomy in me when it comes to my career, and this is my greatest hindrance why I cannot move forward. The left side of my brain tells me that I am equipped enough to finish my PhD as long as I apply myself. That taking the highest degree I can achieve is the right thing to do, not only for my personal development but also for the good of the world. But the right side of my brain tells me that above all things, I must pursue freedom, because it is when I'm free that I live to the fullest and that living is beyond careers. That I shouldn't allow myself to think like the rest of the world because it is they who have a less complete understanding of life.

Oh, I am not going to mince words with you, reader. I am not going to deny that most of the time, I am unhappy with where I am right now. There is some pride to be had in giving quality education to these undiscovered talented students. I appreciate the genuine concern about my well-being in my workplace (never had I felt as much kindness from my superiors) but when I allow myself to be selfish, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I just do not belong here. I need to be challenged. I need to be in an environment where I am mentally motivated to be better than who I was. As of now, I am doing what I can to keep my brain in shape, but I am afraid that what I am doing on my own may not be enough. That I might slide further downhill if I stay where I am at the moment.

Yet there are times when I get to look down on my leather shoes and I notice how I am beginning to be comfortable wearing them. That I am beginning to appreciate my more professional clothes, which I can still accentuate with my own style albeit to a rather discreet degree. That in a different perspective, I actually look better than I did when I was in UP.

But the sad truth is that I am only beginning to feel comfortable wearing these new shoes because my feet had become callused. My ego had become callused so I can adjust to this harsher environment. My life had become harder so I became harder still. Maybe I could have adjusted better. Maybe I should have. But right now, this numbness is the next best thing that I have to coping with all my failures and inabilities.