Feel In the Blanks

Sometimes I wish I were just a pair of hands connected to my brain, connected to my heart, because the real me, well, it isn't up to scratch. My hands sometimes, sometimes they can make a painting out of words but the real me can only do so much. The real me can only try to replicate what my words have promised. And maybe, maybe it would have been better for you if I weren't real at all. It would have been better for me too, perhaps.

Sometimes I wish I don't see you at all because when we do meet and you're there in front of me, you muddle my brain and often I end up being the half-wit when that's the last thing I want to be when I'm with you. That's the last thing. I pride myself for being sharp and astute, for catching the slightest flaws in the most technical of arguments but when you're around me, my mind just flies and sometimes, it takes all that I have just to catch your words. And I hate it. I hate it so, but that's what happens to me when you're around.

Many times I wish I can just say straight out the many things I want to tell you - say it to your face I mean - but I can never truly focus in your presence so I just store them in my brain for me to translate them into printed words after. If I speak I'd probably just stammer, like when we talk on the phone. I'd just laugh nervously or foolishly and whatever it is I really wanted to say would escape me because I just cannot find the right words to say. To write, yes, but to speak them? My voice will fail me. My courage will fail me. Utterly.

And because I get this feeling that you do not want me to be too expressive (because it makes me sound like I'm rushing you into things or that I'm too clingy or maybe you just don't know how to respond to them) I am left with texting you simple words like "Thank you" or "Good night" or "Are you okay" when the truth is there is a wealth of emotions hiding behind those words. There is a whole world of them. I say "Take care" when what I really mean is "Take care, you sweet thing you. Take care because I cannot be there and you won't let me so you will have to fend for yourself for a while. Take care until I become your knight so I can carry you home in my arms so you won't have to commute because you're tired and you've been doing so much and you deserve being taken care of." If I tell you those words, you won't reply, so I just say "Take care" and you will like that more. It's safer to say just those two words.

Sometimes when I overthink, you make me really scared because you might be setting me up only to let me fall hard in the end. And the universe knows how scared I am of such things but I realize I have grown smarter and that I do know now how to handle such things. I don't demand anything in return, but already you've given me much more than I could ask for.

I remember that morning on your bed when I woke up beside you and you were hugging me. That for the first time I did not regret waking up because no matter how awesome my dreams could have been, the reality which was you right there with me is much more awesome still. And we were cuddling and we were laughing and smiling and kissing and in those moments, I felt that all the bad things I've gone through in my life recently had all paid off.

And that's to cap off how you touched my hand when we were watching the movie or how you said "Ang whatever mo" when, like a gentleman, I got you the gravy for your mashed potato or when you kissed my shoulder for being a good boy during our shower dilemma or for seeing Snow still on your bed or for the numerous times that you chose to spend your day with me when you could have been with your friends or stayed at home to rest.... All these are stored in my head. All my incredulity at why you do these things for me. All that wonder comes crashing back to me everytime I look at you and I suppose that, now that you know, you will excuse me the next time I blank out with you in front of me.