I used to be much worse than how I am recently and if you've been around me for a while you'd know this. I used to share all my sexual exploits and encounters. Uncomfortable situations. Awkward ideas which put people's backs up. Even secrets everyone in their right minds would have taken with them to their graves. Some of my friends used to joke around that if people wanted to know what's up with me recently, all that they had to do was visit my Facebook wall and voila, everything's in there. At least, I say to myself, that means that some people do want to be updated about me. And I find that weird.
And let's not forget about all the stories I've shared in front of my classes, especially back when I was still in UP. So much so that some students had to comment about it in my SET's and although they were far from negative (they said they're quite funny actually), that alerted my superiors and made them more curious about what I do in class. Looking back though, I think I could have used a little more filtering about my stories. Not that I divulge every stinking detail about my exploits since I skip over the nasty or the definitely racy bits. I do try to retain a measure of dignity ya know. But I partly wish that I could have zipped my blabbing mouth a bit because, well, my apparent transparency eventually got me into trouble. And that's why I'm keeping my head low in my new workplace.
One of my friends used to wonder why I share too much about myself, and he was referring to the time I was making jokes about STD's in Facebook but then after knowing me better, he said that he finally understood. He said that it was because I simply did not care about what others think about me. He was right, of course, but he didn't agree that I had the right perspective.
Another time I had this serious conversation with another friend and she was telling me that contrary to my lifestyle, most people prefer to put up images of themselves and that those images were of the utmost importance to them. Those images meant everything to some of them even. I think my jaw dropped after hearing that, although it really wasn't a farfetched concept and if I thought about it I could've figured it out on my own. I was simply startled at the emphasis some people painstakingly build about how they are perceived by other people when I don't give a damn about it.
What she said wasn't necessarily about faking a personality, although I think I know a few who do that. She said it's more of having an image of yourself and building on it and projecting those qualities which will lend credibility to that image and hiding those which would not. I find that an uncomfortable way to live one's life. Because in my opinion, if you're making an effort to be like that even if you're not then I don't think you're living at all. Who are you then? And she retorted that for some people, that isn't a very important question, both from their perspective and from those around them. In the end though, I conceded that there are really no rules on how to live your life. Obviously. To each his/her own.
But I understand now though that these so-called images are important. Because whether we are aware of it or not, I think most of us try to get a picture of each other's characters and we use these to help us interact with them. And our judgements of course mostly come from what we see on the surface.
For instance, at a recent Christmas party with my high school friends, I observed that a couple of my friends who I am not particularly close with tended to give wrong judgments about my character. One of them kept sexualizing everything that I said when in fact, I am one of those few who do not have lust at the foremost of my thoughts (I am going to address this more in the next paragraph). Another friend thought that just because I am an atheist and that I'm emo at times, I would automatically be attracted to darknesses and despairs and loneliness. My other friends, whenever they notice I'm happy, they always connect it to me having a new love and when I say that that isn't the case, they find that hard to believe. It was as if they expect me to keep losig my head over men! I am not offended by these miscalculations and I do not have to put much weight in them because I know that I am partly to blame why they see me like that anyway.
This is a very curious thing, the huge differences between how they see me and who I really am. And this matters to me because I want to be accepted by my friends for who I really am and that's why I make an effort to show them more about what really goes on inside me. I suppose what makes a lasting impact on them are those moments when I was being extreme about something. Those sharp points they saw, they took as my totality when on the contrary, I am not always like that. Like that sex image hovering over me like a cloud. I think they're only having that because I'm the only one who dares to talk about such things. I am only being open. I'm not one of those who are all prim and proper in public but then go on like rabbits under the covers.
On a more serious note, I think I am reaching a point when I will have to impose a forced censorship on myself soon. It is because of my occupation, I think. If things go well, I will have to move up higher in the ranks and I am not that naive to think that this inaccurate "image" that is stamped on me will not affect my professionalism. I do not completely agree with why I must do this, but I really have to tone it down. This is another imperfection of society (that we're often irrational and that we gossip like fishermongers and that the older we get the worse we become) that I must accept. Unless I completely turn this false convention over but I think I'm much too occupied by other stuff like world peace to focus on this single flaw.
There is a bigger issue at work in society which I've touched here with all this talk we've had about our public image. It's why we have to work on one in the first place. There's something quite off in a system when this has to happen. An unnecessary evil perhaps? And with evil I mean an enemy of freedom, not in a moral sense okay? Oh I don't know. I'm much too unfocused now to put a finger on what exactly is wrong. Is it really the system, or is it human nature?
Truth. Freedom. My fight goes on.
Amfeeling ampota. Hahaha.
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