I'm Sorry

I'm sorry if I can't stop looking at you. I just can't stop staring at your eyes. So many songs beginning with descriptions of pretty eyes that I've taken what they meant for granted. In all my years, I've never really grasped what they were trying to convey. Now I know how they feel. I feel what they feel when I look at yours. Sometimes I feel like I can drown in those eyes. That describe how I might, I cannot give justice to how pretty your eyes really are. This is silly, I know, but I feel that I can die a happy man if those eyes are the last things I see.

But it's not just your eyes I'm looking at though. Mostly, I keep looking at you because I still cannot believe that you are real and that you are there with me. That due to some unfathomable force in the universe, the two of us met, and despite all the truckloads of shit life had given me these past couple of years somehow, your presence makes my burden more bearable. And I've gotten used to so many things going bad in my life that try as I might, I still cannot fully accept that you're giving me your time and effort. You're spending those with me and I... I just have to look at you to believe that you are real. I have to look at you all the time because you might turn out to be just my hallucination.

I'm sorry if I couldn't stop moving closer to you. When we're walking, I know, I walk too closely. When we sit, I sit too closely. If I could, I would have climbed on you just to get closer. And at times I really had to restrain myself from hugging you or kissing you right then and there in the open, especially when we're facing each other and I... I don't really know what got into me. I've never been like this before and I'm at a loss on how to explain why. I'm just aware of how things are and I know they sound silly and this is why I am apologizing.

I am sorry, if at times, I turn out to be annoying when we talk or that I seem to be mocking you. The truth is, I seldom have my wits with me when I'm with you. My mind flies. And I scramble for things to say so I may come out a looby sometimes from your perspective. I'm sorry for that. And I get so excited that you're there and I know that we can't have all day so my tongue positively flaps and so sometimes I am not able to check what I'm saying. I'm rarely like that in my own classes. But when I'm with you, I'm turned upside down. And that's all there is to it. There's no helping it.

I'm sorry if, when we're sitting, my legs keep searching yours under the table. Or when we're watching a movie, I just have to feel your arm next to me. You don't let me hold your hand and that's a wise move, but I just feel I have to touch you in some way. I know it's quite rude, and other people might notice, but I just can't resist being close to you. I... I really don't command my body to do such things but that's what it wants and that's what I want also and I hope you don't mind and I'm sorry if I'm forward. I really couldn't help it.

And I'm sorry if at times, I get these racy thoughts about you. It's not just lust and we've talked about it. It's more of a... fire. A need to please you. A need to just be together in that way and I couldn't explain it any better than that.

And I'm sorry if, when we're apart, I couldn't stop asking if you're doing okay. I couldn't stop worrying. I couldn't stop caring. And I know it's stupid to overdo it and trust me when I say I do but it's not possible for me to not care about you. I can stop asking, if you wish it, but I won't stop worrying. I won't stop caring. And I suppose that's all there is to it.

And I'm sorry. If I can't be exactly what you need. I'm sorry if I fall too short in many things. I'm sorry if I'm too eager or too excited or too passionate about these things but this is just the way I am. This is how I... how I care, and to ask me to stop doing these things would be as impossible as asking a magnet to stop getting attracted.

And I know you deserve someone much better than me. And you know that too. And I'm sorry but I've changed my mind about that now. Because I think, at this point, it is safe to say that I like you. I like you very much, mood swings and all. High maintenance and all. Meanness and all. And in the end, I might be sorry for admitting this, I know. I might be putting myself in a long road with a dead end but I don't care. The harsher the road the better because I'll prove my worth along the way. But if that really happens and you realize that you can't, then that's fine. That's how it goes.

Just promise me one thing: Please don't say "I'm sorry" if it should end.

Say "Thank you" instead.

Because like the saying goes, we shouldn't cry because it's over. We should smile instead, because it happened.