Gilgamesh

Nasa bus ako nun, nakatingin sa langit. Ganun naman ako madalas kapag nasa bus. Halos idikit ko na nga ang mukha ko sa bintana. Wala namang bago sa mga nakikita ko. Wala lang, ganun lang talaga ako.

Nakatingin ako sa langit nun. Nag-iisip lang tapos bigla ko na lang na-realize na nakilala ko na pala ang gusto kong mapangasawa. Parang yung mga ideas na bigla na lang dumarating. Yung di mo pinilit isipin. Para bang isang ideya na matagal mo nang alam tapos nakalimutan mo lang. Nagulat ako nang narealize ko yun. Sa sobrang gulat ko nga ipinost ko pa sa Facebook pag-uwi ko pero binura ko din naman agad.

Iisa lang naman yung tao na sa tingin ko ay kaya kong pakisamahan habangbuhay. Yung tipong kaya kong tumira sa isang bahay na kasama siya tapos hindi ako mabobore at magsasawa. Yung alam kong laging may bago at laging exciting. Yung kaya naming sakyan ang kalokohan at kawirdohan ng isa't isa. Yung tipong parang soundwaves na may feedback tapos nagba-bounce tapos palaki nang palaki yung resonance. Yung ganun. Gets mo ba?

Iisa lang naman yung tao na yun. Kaya siguro nahihirapan akong humanap ng bago lately. Kasi parang kapag naranasan mo na yung ganun katindi, parang wala nang dadaig pa dun. Kaya parang ang lahat ng mga susunod ay magiging panakip-butas na lang. Kaya siguro wala akong ganang makipag-relasyon lately. Parang natatanggap ko na na kailangan kong malampasan yung gaung katinding mga emosyon. Tapos parang narerealize ko na sa pagtagal ng panahon, parang mas nagiging imposible na na may dadaig pa dun. Na may dadaig pa sa amin.

Akala ko nalampasan ko na ang malaking trahedya ng aking lovelife. Akala ko yun na yun. Pero ito pala ang mas malala. Kasi kahit ano mang pilit pa, huli na ang lahat. Huli na ang lahat para sa aming dalawa. Wala nang magagawa. At kung meron man, ay hindi ko na rin gagawin. Huli na kasi ang lahat. Wala nang balikan na pwedeng maganap.

Minsan dumarating pa din ako sa punto na halos napapaiyak pa din ako kung bakit naging ganito. Parang ang saya na kasi sana. Pero wala eh, force of nature din ang humadlang sa isang tinginang tila ba isang force of nature din.

Naaasar pa din ako sa mga bagay na hindi ko kayang baguhin. Kung bibigyan man ako ng kakayahan na mamili ay hindi ito ang pipiliin ko. Hindi para sa akin. Hindi para sa iisipin ng iba. Kundi para sa kanya.

Pero ang totoo ay minsan lang naman din yung mga ganung moments. Sa huli mas nananaig pa din na siguro, ito na nga ang pinakamasayang pwedeng mangyari. Wala na naman kasi talagang iba pang pwedeng mangyari.

May mga pagkakataon pala na ang comedy at tragedy ay pwedeng maging isa sa iyong buhay.

- April 2009

Atop Maslow's Pyramid

The bus stopped, and the jolt knocked my sleeping head to the window (resulting to a rather loud thud which I was sure was heard by the other passengers several seats away), but this time I made a token effort to stay awake. The haziness of that state, that fragile interval between dreaming and wakefulness, slowly began to melt away, giving in to the ever-present hum of my brain. Strangely, I felt that if I listened carefully enough, I might actually hear that hum.

My eyes opened to the hazy sunset over Manila Bay and its muted hues somehow made my landing back to the real world softer. The gentle rocking of the bus helped in that illusion as well, and I felt the boundary of my world and the real one blur again. But then, my mind seemed to have perked itself up completely by that time, and I was left again to my usual past time on my hour-long bus ride home - involuntary thinking.

***

It gets so lonely up here, I thought. It gets so lonely and that is why I need to be loud in the virtual world. I need to make myself feel connected because I do not want to have to resort to isolation just to keep my sanity. My loudness keeps me grounded and I desperately need that otherwise I might just fly and never return.

***

Is it true what she said? That people do not really care about who you really are? That people only want to understand the aspects of you which are helpful to them in dealing with you and if they can do without knowing the mechanisms of your personality, they'd prefer that? That they don't really give a fuck about what is really you or more likely, they're not even aware that they aren't giving a fuck?

***

This thirst to change the world is draining me and I feel like rolling that proverbial rock uphill. Why are the others so blind? Why can't they see the truth? I keep pushing, enticing, and lambasting alternately and they stay put. I spend time arranging the facts nicely on their shelves yet they are ignored. Slowly, slowly I am succumbing to the fact that the reason is not that they cannot see reason but that they are not equipped with the perfect capacity to reason. Such a horrible idea! One that I will not readily accept about humanity. I have embraced the fact that I am different but surely, I am not that different. Surely a little more coaxing will light up that proverbial bulb in their heads. Surely they have that bulb in the first place. All they need is some spark and yet what is happening to me and them? Why do I feel my alienation more and more? Where have I gone wrong? Why has this pursuit of the truth and knowledge being placed in a sickeningly twisted and perverted "holy" fucking light?!

***

It gets so cold up here. So cold with the winds howling, threatening to make me stumble down to where I began. I look down and see some of my friends struggling upwards, still trapped in their own bogs. Some lazy, some deluded. Some going around in circles and some too cowardly. From up here, I can see how they can get out of their mazes but I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate my meddling into their affairs. There are so very few of us up here and what's worse is that we are hidden from each other by thickets. I'm certain I am not at the peak yet. I'm certain there must be some who have already reached the peak. I just wish they'd holler down at me and help me a bit here. It just gets so very lonely that I'm shouting my lungs out yet they are not responding. What have they discovered? Why don't they want to help? Are they really just keeping silent or is there no one really here with me?

***

Ropes up here leading to my friends still below. Thick taut ropes and I tug them to keep them going. I tug them to pull my comrades up. They are my comrades. We are the world. Only we are the world and we have to save ourselves. We have to go forward together. Go upward together because we are responsible for ourselves, for the world. For our future, if we are to survive.

***

But am I really here? What if I was the one deluding myself into being here? And does this really matter in the real world? I am struggling and exhausting my energy trying to make sure all of us get up here. It is such hard work. And getting no thanks for it besides. But up here, what I want does not really matter in the long run. I brought myself up here and it is my duty to pull the others up. It is only my duty. So I grabbed the nearest rope and tugged, dodging the occasional rock from below. Hoping against hope that when they're up here they will understand.

Markado

Dati pa man ay malaki na ang takot ko sa ROTC. Kahit nung high school CAT pa lang, never ko na nagustuhan ang para sa akin ay walang sense na pagpapahirap sa mga cadets. Marahil dahil lang iyon sa likas kong kakulangan sa testosterone. Hirap akong makisabay sa sobrang higpit na disiplina. Hirap akong maging sunud-sunuran sa anumang sabihin ng officers. At higit sa lahat, hirap akong mag drop like a log at mag-push ups.

First day ng ROTC sa UP at dahil sa aking pagpupursigi na mapadali ang aking haharaping kalbaryo, nabigyan ako ng isang doktor ng medical certificate na papayag sa akin para maging isang medic lang. Sabagay, sabi nga ng doktor, mababa nga daw ang blood count ko at madali akong mahilo at mapagod.

Kinailangan kong umalis ng 3:30 am mula sa Las Pinas para lang makarating ako sa Sunken Garden ng tama sa oras. Alas-singko pa lang pero ang dami na ng tao sa pagdating ko ng UP. Kakagaling ko lang sa sakit noong mga araw na iyon at hindi pa talaga ako tuluyang magaling kaya medyo hirap ako sa pagkilos. Nanlamig ang tiyan ko nang nakita ko na ang mga unti-unting namumuong mga military formations sa Sunken. Agad-agad kong hinanap ang koponan ng mga sissies na medics at sumali sa kanila.

Habang nakatayo kami in formation at nakatingin sa kawalan ay unti-unti ko nang nararamdaman ang nagbabadyang pagsusuka ko. Talagang hindi pa talaga ako magaling. In a way, natuwa ako dahil siguro bibigyan nila ako ng excuse para umupo panandali or baka nga pauwiin na nila ako. Maya-maya pa tumindi na ang pagkahilo ko at nandilim ang paningin ko. Tuluyan na akong sumuray at natumba.

Aware pa naman ako na may nakakita agad sa aking kondisyon na officer kaya inalalayan agad ako. May tumulong sa akin na kapwa ko cadet at pinaupo ako sa isa sa mga stone benches na nakapalibot sa Sunken. Pinainom ako ng tubig at tinanong kung okay lang ako. Sabi ko na kakagaling ko lang kasi sa sakit. Understanding naman sila at binantayan nila ako. Kahit na hilo-hilo ako, napansin ko pa rin na ang cute ng ilang officers, lalo na sa kailang fatigue na uniforms. Lalo na yung pinaka-head ng mga medics. Yung may pulang sumbrero.

May lumapit sa akin na isang nanay na binabantayan din ang kanyang anak. Binigyan niya ako ng Sky Flakes at kinausap nang kaunti. Mahirap talaga ang ROTC, sabi niya. Pag-alis niya ay tuloy ang pag-uusap ng mga officers sa likod ko. Ako naman, kahit medyo umayos na ang pakiramdam, ay nagpapanggap pa na medyo hilo pa dahil ayoko na nga sanang bumalik pa sa pagkakababad sa araw.

Maya-maya ay lumapit muli ang cute na head officer namin. Ang bait niya sa akin. Maalaga talaga siya sa mga pinamumunuan niya. At habang inosente akong nakaharap lang sa Sunken at iniisip kung ano pa ang mangyayari sa araw na iyon, bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang matigas niyang etits sa likod ko. Dinikit niya ito ng ilang segundo bago siya lumakad papalayo.

Lumipad ang utak ko. Gulat na gulat. Iniisip ko kung aksidente nga lang ba iyon pero talagang naramdaman ko ang pag-push niya against me. Parang pseudo fuck nga actually. Napapangiti ako nang kaunti (well dahil masarap din naman yung feeling) pero nangibabaw ang kaguluhan. At kaba.

***

Nang sumunod na linggo ay sa DMST na kami nag-meet. At tiyempong yun din ang panahon (2001) na kung kailan binabatikos at kinukuwestiyon ang ROTC ng buong bansa. Kaya tuloy nagkalat ang mga rallyista sa labas habang pinapahirapan kami sa loob. Ang nangyari pa, ginawa kaming human blockade ng mga offciers para hindi makapasok ang mga rallyista. Nakatayo lang kaming parang mga tuod at nakaharap sa kanila. "Kita niyo na, pinapahirapan lang kayo?" sabad ng mga tibak. "Lumabas na kayo diyan!" dagdag pa nila.

Totoong nahihirapan na din ako nun at gusto ko na talaga sanang sumama sa kanila. Pero ang nag-utos sa akin na tumayo doon ay ang aming officer na madalas ay laging ako ang inuutusan kahit na marami-rami naman kami sa grupo. Kunin ko daw ito, takbo daw ako doon. Pero para sa akin okay lang kasi mabait naman talaga siya sa amin at hindi lang nangtri-trip. "Nauuhaw ka ba?" tatanungin niya. "Kaya pa ba?" Minsan sinusubukan ko siyang tingnan kung aware nga ba siya sa ginawa niyang "pangmamarka" sa akin noon sa Sunken pero napangungunahan pa rin ako ng takot.

Di naglaon ay tumindi pa lalo ang isyu sa ROTC at nag-drop na nga ako. Sayang lang ang uniform ko (na actually, bagay sa akin). Sayang lang ang bota na pagkatigas-tigas. Ang tickler ko. Ang nametag.

Isang araw nakita ko yung officer namin na palakad-lakad lang sa UP. Halong takot (dahil baka galit siya sa mga nang-indiyan) at tuwa (dahil isa siya sa mga unang nag-make a move sa akin) ang naramdaman ko. Pero umiwas din ako ng tingin nang makita kong may kasama siya. Nakaakbay siya sa isang babae.

Umiwas na lang ako ng tingin.

Kissing Dating Goodbye

Like most gays, I'm a sucker for good looks. Many times I find myself seemingly unconsciously doing all sorts of foolishness for a pretty face or a shapely body, and even with my increased awareness of my actions as I grow older, I still can not resist this. Lust is irrational. And so is love. And no matter how I struggle against this natural tendency, no matter how I try to let my brain make the final decision, I still find myself waking up in the same spot of stupidity.

So I've reached the decision that perhaps, I should stop dating for a while. Or to be truly realistic, I should try to curb it down. For the good of not only my heart, but for those I may hurt, just in case. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will probably be single for a longer time than I originally thought I'd be.

To my chagrin, most of the people who know me had developed this image of me that I'm never really truly single for long. That if I say that I am with no one, they are genuinely and comically surprised. That amuses me. Although on looking back, with all the numerous dates I've paraded around with my friends, sometimes even a new guy every week, it really shouldn't come as a surprise if they think of me like that. It amuses me because I made it look like I was a whore when deep inside, I'm really just a vulnerable baby, looking for his one true love. I only looked too assiduously. And that backfired.

You see, when your heart has gone through a lot of ups and downs as I did, you get tired eventually. And at this point, I couldn't bother myself to raise an arm to catch somebody's heart. I couldn't even make an effort to follow through all the dates some guys had been good enough to want to spend with me. I'm not being cocky, but I know that if only I spent more effort, I can easily be in a relationship right now. All those men in my past, all those reckless decisions have traumatized my already limping heart even further to the point that I am now emotionally disabled.

In a way, this is disheartening. Because I still believe that being with someone is superior to being alone. And it does not help that on hindsight, despite all my previous efforts of procuring someone else's heart, I had always been afraid of commitment. In the end, I am the one who breaks up.

It's not that I have faithfulness issues. It will always be one redeeming factor of me that I had sex with another guy only once in the middle of a relationship (and my ex-boyfriend, I found out, did the same so we're quits) and I will always be proud of that. I am afraid of commitment because I do not want to be chained. I just feel like being in a relationship will limit my freedom and there are still so many things I have to experience in this life. When my date starts to talk about being together "forever", I begin to scramble for the door out.

Also, I feel that being in a relationship somehow stunts my growth. I am probably one of the laziest guys you will ever meet, and I tend to be satisfied with the way things are in my life. Having a boyfriend increases the illusion that I am okay, and that prevents me from climbing the pyramid of perfection. I always want a struggle, and I wouldn't have that if things are too easy for me.

So all this extra time taken away from dating, I will devote instead to myself. I will try to improve how I look. I've always looked at vanity as anathema to my philosophies but I suppose it doesn't hurt to be shallow sometimes. I mean, what else am I to do next on my quest of self-improvement? My IQ, EQ, and social responsibility are being taken care of. And besides, I've always been aware that my physical appearance had been limiting me from some experiences I haven't gone through yet, so I suppose it is only natural for me to destroy that remaining barrier, right? Besides, when I'm looking better, guys will flock to me and perhaps I wouldn't spend as much time moping when someone I like rejects me.

Still, this resolution is easier said than done. Looking better involves money, and I am not exactly drowning in cash at this point in my life. I've been avoiding this issue for almost half of my adult life. I think it's high time for me to just grin and bear it.

Pickup Boy

It was half an hour past midnight when I locked the front door of our house from the outside. I brought nothing but my phone, my smokes, some money, and the house keys. My parents were, hopefully, sound asleep but I eased out of the gate as quietly as I can, hoping that the squeaks of the hinges wouldn't carry in the eerie quiet of our neighborhood. I felt like a thief escaping in the night, and although there was nothing wrong in what I was about to do, I can't help but feel a little unease in case my parents discovered I wasn't in my bed in the middle of the night.

The air was crisp and cold but I wore no jacket. I walked at a brisk pace since I do not want to be late. I do not want him to wait for me for too long. A tricycle was waiting when I reached the main road and I made it to the set meeting place just in time. I climbed one of the escalator-equipped overpasses of Las Pinas and walked towards the red Honda Civic parked in front of 7-11. I cannot see through the one-way windows but I waved. The passenger seat door opened.

"Hi," I said as I eased myself beside my date for the night. He was incredibly small, almost like a child, but he was cute. He was wearing a simple white shirt and short jeans, whose sleeves and legs respectively were folded up to fit him better. He was skinny. Beside him, I positively felt like a hunk.

"So, where are we going?" I asked, trying to hide the slight nervousness which was ever present in all my first dates. An hour has barely passed since we talked to each other for the first time in the virtual world. I knew next to nothing about this guy, other than that he wanted to spend the night with me.

"Secret," he said with a tiny laugh.

I do not usually do meetups for sex alone, and I wouldn't have met this guy if he did not say that this was not just a one night stand. He said he wanted to know me better as well. I told him I was meeting him for his company. He was cute, yes, but I wasn't horny. I felt a little cold inside, to be honest. But if it was sex he wanted, I would try to oblige him.

He drove towards Zapote and we made some small talk. He wasn't particularly interested in me, but I thought maybe he was just focusing on his driving. I can tell he was rich and he was used to giving orders. He had that snobby, authoritative way which was not really unpleasant. I believe I have that air too anyway and we're of the same age.

He turned left towards Cavite and I lost my sense of direction. I was not afraid of being hurt by this small guy, and I trusted him. He turned towards this apartelle and it turned out to be closed. Not surprising since it was the early hours of January 2. He thought for a few seconds and declared that he knew of another suitable place. It took a few more minutes of driving before we arrived at this next one, and thankfully, it was open.

It was my first real "drive through" experience and I was amazed at how discreet it all was, although he complained that the assistants kept looking at us inside the car. He parked inside one garage and the assistant promptly closed the metal shutters. No words at all were exchanged.

I tentatively sat on the bed while he went inside the bathroom first. I wasn't feeling nervous in this case, since amazingly, I felt I was superior to him physically (and I am unused to that) and I confidently stretched my body out on the bed. When he was done, he climbed on the bed with me and the first words he uttered were "Rape me," and he pulled me on him.

I kissed his neck but I felt awkward, and so I asked him "Shouldn't we talk first?" but he only pulled me down back on him and said that there was time for that later. His skin was so smooth it felt pleasant for my lips to make contact with it. His svelte body felt right for me since he was just the right size for my arms and my body. The right size for hugging and cuddling, but unfortunately, that was not what I was meant to do. Like a boss, he made that clear through his actions.

"I like to hug you," I said. He expressed his doubt and implied that I was only pulling his leg and that I was in a relationship. I said I wasn't. "Really?" he asked, a curve on his lips, and then we kissed some more.

There were moments when I really felt it with him, but those were rare. Mostly, I was wondering why I was doing it. Mostly, I was cold inside. And it took me a very long time to end it. He was very patient with me though, and he waited and waited. And waited. Until I came.

We took a shower, and for some, that would have been the moment for more fun and more cuddling. But there was none of those. I tried caressing his shoulder, but the signal was lost on him. Showering was just showering.

Back on the bed, I asked if he was a smoker. "Not really," he said but he joined me nonetheless. He was awfully tired, and his eyes were closed half of the time we were chatting. That wasn't exactly the sign of attention I was seeking. After the sticks burned out, he went on with texting and he buried himself beneath the sheets. "Keep talking to me," he said. As if what he was doing was encouraging for conversation.

He said he'd want to get to know me, I thought to myself. That was the reason why I came in the first place. But it was clear that he'd rather sleep than talk. So when I eased myself beside him, he cuddled closer, lying his head on my chest and slowly, his breathing became deeper.

I wasn't sleepy so I just watched the television, even though I had a hard time deciphering what was going on with the volume turned down so low. I just hugged him while I watched, obediently doing what I was expected to. I hugged him and I made believe that, who knew, there might be something more which can develop between us. He was shivering and I arranged the blanket to cover him better. He cuddled closer and I hugged him tighter. For more than an hour, I barely moved so as not to disturb his sleep. I was patient. I was dutiful.

Then the phone rang to warn us that our three hours were up. I remembered how he said that this could last the whole night if I wanted to, but all he said then was "Let's go." He paid for this room so I had to obey. I would have liked it if we really talked a bit and got to know each other better but it was obvious that I wasn't intended for that.

On our way back to our meeting place, I struggled to analyze the situation. I tried to see if we can be a couple. There wasn't any spark. There wasn't even an interest from his side. Still, I thought that if only we talked more maybe I can judge for sure. But it seemed like I was really just his one night of pleasure. I was used and that was that. Not caring if my part of this bargain was met.

As he stopped in front of the same 7-11, I wondered whether I should kiss him or hold his hand at least before I got out of the car. I looked at him but he seemed distant, and even though he said "Take care. Text text.." I felt he did not really mean it. In fact, he almost chuckled in the middle of saying "Text text" as if even he couldn't hide from himself how absurd the idea was.

I arrived back home a little after 4 and there were no signs that my parents looked for me. I sneaked quietly back into my bed, and hoped that if my Dad (who wakes periodically in the middle of the night) checked and noticed I wasn't on my bed, he'd only think I was downstairs. Or that if he noticed that I went out, he'd think that it was only to buy something.

As I lay down on my bed, I could almost still feel his body on me while he was sleeping. I could still smell him on me. For both of us, it was one last night of pleasure before work began again after the holidays but I doubt if we got real pleasure out of our bodily contact. I couldn't vouch for his feelings, but for me, he only made my night colder. And I wondered, for the nth time, what most gays really get out of this lifestyle of sleeping around.

Still I checked on my phone every so often just to be sure if he would text me of his safe arrival at home. Morning came and still there was none.