All week, I've been unable to get out of bed and go to work. I'm not exactly a stranger when it comes to absences, but it is only now that I've done so five days in a row. I'm admittedly at my worst career performance. I may have been reckless once or twice before, but never deliberately this... defiant. I don't know how warmly I will be received at work this Monday. In fact, I'm too ashamed (and too afraid) to show my face there ever again. If I only I could just say "I quit" and be done away with this. But I can't. This world simply does not work that way. And I owe my colleagues much more than such a heartless way of saying goodbye.
In the end, no matter how frazzled my psychological state may be at the moment, I am responsible for my students. It would've been so easy. These boundaries between what should be done and what should be avoided should have been clearly defined. This issue isn't even substantial enough to make a good argument. I am wrong, period. But then, it's this same responsibility I am actually running away from. That's the catch.
You see, the trouble with being strong (or at least, trying to be strong) all your life is that sooner or later, that last feather which will break your back will fall. Now I am not going to list down all my burdens, stressors, and deadlines for you since I don't want to have your pity and I don't want to give you a headache. There are just times when, you know, you feel like you've had enough and you have no other recourse to deal with it other than vanishing into thin air.
I haven't talked to anyone since Monday, even to my parents, and it is only this afternoon when I had a moment of lucidity to realize that I fucking need help already. That this is insane and I had to fucking talk to someone. I really was unable to get out of bed, and if you're thinking that I spent the time going to malls or flirting left and right (I wish I did) and pretending that it's sembreak already then you're sadly mistaken. And if you're wondering how my parents dealt with that - how they dealt with me trying to squeeze myself into the corner of my bed and desperately shutting myself off from the rest of the world - well then, let's say this wasn't the first time this happened to me. Besides, we already do live in a mental hospital of sorts, so they're quite used to erratic behavior. They've seen much worse from my brother.
Now reader, I really don't want to go back to those moments on my bed. They're ugly to describe, and just thinking about how I was then twists my stomach into knots. At the moment, I am sitting here on the floor of my friends' bedroom, just in case you're wondering how I got myself out of that stupor. I just need people around me. People I can talk to about these things and yep, I think I'm much better now. Talking does help when it comes to my craziness. At least, now that I've got company, I'm okay. I really don't know what will happen when I get back home. I'm beginning to dread my bed now. Yeah, my recent episode has been that bad.
It's all in my head, you can say. Maybe this is all simply make-believe. I mean, I may be creative enough to invent symptoms or whatever and maybe you wouldn't know the difference. And perhaps you're right. But I wish we could just swap brains for a moment and let me see how you deal with these. Maybe we could swap lives.
It's all in my head, you say, and yeah you're right. Only that everything is all in my head. Everything is all in your head also. And we can go beat our heads up and wax philosophical about these things so don't you dare say that things are simple when it's all in your head.
My dreams are all in my head too yet they make me feel real emotions. I have had such awesome dreams this week you know. Simple themes, really. Like me and my ex working it out again. Like me having a son whose name was Ion. Simple themes, yeah. But that feeling I got when I looked into my son's eyes? That feeling of stability that knowing the love of my life still feels the same for me after all these years? They were real all the same.
All week I had been dreaming and I got myself lost in my own head. You can say that I'm crazy, dropping off everything just like that. Or maybe all the rest of you are the ones who are crazy, getting yourselves obsessed in rigid man-made structures like careers and tasks and money.
This past week had been an ordeal to endure awake. But when I've muddled through another night of insistent and unbidden thoughts of killing myself and I've managed to fall asleep and dream, it's a different thing. I learn more about things when I'm dreaming.
It says a lot about my life at the moment that I'd rather just sleep and dream than live through it. And yeah, admitting this makes me sad as hell myself.
Yeah...
I suppose...
I suppose it's time to sleep now.
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