The Death of Sir Bry

These days, I feel like my life is being twisted into another finale of sorts. Like Mat Cauthon, it seems like a pair of dice is rattling inside my head. I need to make an important decision very soon, but I'm too busy with work at the moment to allow myself to really think this through. Goodness knows that I shouldn't even be writing in here. I can't afford the time to reflect. But since I can't make myself move forward in writing the book at the moment then I might as well straighten the road ahead of me by picking apart these knots while I can.

And what's this very important decision that I'm bugging you about? Well, it's nothing really grand. It's just that I'm thinking of quitting the academe.Which like, has been my job since forever.

You see, I've always had this drive to try and do something else. I've been told that I do well as a teacher, and goodness knows how many students have cried just to prove it. This is all very fulfilling and flattering for me, and the universe knows how grateful I am to be a part of these students' lives and I have discussed this more fully in several of my older posts. Education is my passion. Or should I say, was. I... I don't know what really happened. I thought that I could teach until my last breath. But I guess I'm not as noble and self-sacrificing as I once thought I was. From recent events, it turns out that education is only a secondary priority.

I don't mean to be a humbug, but the truth is I am not challenged anymore by teaching. I can see it in my head already. I'll be doing the same things over and over again. As I've said, I don't really make an effort when I teach. I just flow. And as it is, I do okay. Even if you add research to the formula, the variety it will add to my job will not be enough. I will be bored. In fact, I am bored. And I hate this feeling. No growth means no go in my book.

Of course, one could argue that I can choose to grow vertically. But then again, even if I do secure a more stable position in this field, I'd be doing the same things. Even if you add the prospect of administration as I go up the ladder, I don't see how it can present things which would be challenging for me. I need to go out now. I need to start anew. I want to discover the other things that I don't know I have.

It goes without question that I would hate to leave my students. This issue had never been their fault. On the contrary, they are the only major reason why I would consider staying. But unfortunately, I'm not sure now that what they do is proving to be enough. At this rate, if I stay, I'd end up a robot, no matter how fun I make my classes. I must light my fires again, and my job at the moment is just not doing this anymore.

I'm not sure if I'm right, but I just think that there is so much more to life that I want to experience. And the thing is, I wouldn't discover these things until I leave the academe. The practical (and logical) people, well they would say that I'm acting the fool again. They'd tell me that I can do these things later. They'd tell me to build a solid foundation first. They'd tell me to secure my future instead of continuously flipping back and forth. One day I'm dead set on doing one thing. The next day I've completely convinced myself to do the opposite.

Despite all these being said and done, still, nothing is final yet. I might make a compromise between my purpose and my personal growth. I might learn to find a new reason to stay in the academe. But then, my instinct is telling me to go now. It had been a faint voice before, but now it's becoming louder and more and more insistent. I should go. I need to go. I must go. Now.

At the moment, I honestly still don't have a direction. I have gut feelings maybe, but I'm taking no steps to pursue them yet. As of now, I'm really lost. But something tells me that I should follow this feeling all the same. In the end, it's better to get lost and fail because of my own rash decisions, than to stay dissatisfied in one track because I'm too cowardly to try new things.

It's almost as if I've had enough of this kind of life. In a way, you can say that I've made the most out of being a teacher. I've squeezed it dry and I've reaped results teachers more experienced than me could only dream of. Now I'm done. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to start my second life.

***

I was playing Civilization IV a month ago and I stumbled upon this Euripides quote from the game:

"The wisest men follow their own direction."

I've been following my own path for most of my life but I just wish it would make me feel wiser. As it is, all it brings me is confusion and frustration. Wagonloads of them. Maybe one day, it will. Though I half-wish this will never happen because the moment I deem myself wise, I know I'd feel empty.