PV = nRT

I closed the gate of our house and I stepped out onto the rain-soaked street. Though I had a destination, I still felt lost. My steps were slow and uncertain, and though it was raining a bit, I didn't feel like using an umbrella. I did not have enough space in my mind to worry about getting wet. And of all the people I would come upon as I left home, I saw my Mom walking towards me. She looked smaller, somehow, and other times I would have essayed a weak and guilty smile as she walked past but I never even looked at her that time. I ignored her as if I didn't know my own Mom. And that's okay because I'm sure she feels the same.

Things have changed between us, and they've changed so much beyond what she could mend. Long gone were the days when I could approach her with a problem she could fix. I've grown up so much that I've grown out of the simple domestic life I used to be part of. Come to think of it, I've never really approached her with anything serious. As in never. Because I know my issues were far beyond what she could comprehend.

I spent the weekend over at my friends' house. It was lucky that both of them were my close friends before they got married to each other, otherwise I wouldn't be able to stay for the night. I wouldn't have anywhere to go to, if that wasn't the case. My other friends, well, they're too far from me. Miles away, they were, in different time zones spread across the globe. I'm the only one left here. And when I think about how spread out we all are now, it only adds to my loneliness.

Being with my friends brought me calm. It made me more stable, in a way. Somehow, when I'm with friends, I am shielded from the darker things in my mind. I don't think they could get me completely, since I don't think anyone ever will, but at the least, I know that they would try to understand me all the same, and that brings me comfort, albeit only temporarily.

It had been an amazing experience, those two days I spent at their house. Though we did not really do anything special. We just lounged about in their queen-sized bed, reading magazines, browsing the internet, and watching movies and TV series. Nothing extraordinary. But I suppose that was what I needed at the moment - a semblance of normalcy.

Even how they dined together as a family proved to be a wonderful experience for me. That they eat their meals together regularly. They talk about mundane, sometimes bordering on the most frivolous, topics, and it wasn't exactly a mentally-stimulating experience. But just the fact that they were all there, as a family, being normal... That that was how things are supposed to be. I... I could just cry.

But I had to go home eventually, and when that night of my departure finally came, I couldn't help but dread how I would feel back home. I knew that immersing myself in their household for a while will only emphasize how dreary my own life was. So I found myself walking away from their house, on a rain-soaked street, with my head bowed and my steps uncertain. I had a destination. I was going back home, but I still felt lost.

Despite all these seemingly undefinable things clouding my head at the moment, somehow, the other people around me, they still make me feel loved. When I got back to work yesterday, I was welcomed. I was missed. People worried about me, and I felt guilty because I felt that I do not really deserve their concern. My students smiled at seeing me back and wondered how I was. They smiled, as if the simple sight of me brought them happiness. I should be happy at that, and of course I am. But I... I couldn't bring their warmth inside my own heart.

And that's the saddest thing, reader. Being confused, and being burdened about the shitty aspects of life - that's sad. But being confused despite being loved? This is worse.

I don't really know how to pick myself up again, reader. When other people ask me for advice, I give them solid and rational ones. That is easy for me, since I've allowed myself to go through many different situations in the past, and the experiences I've had and my objectivity make me more reliable as a source of wisdom. But in this thing, reader? I don't fucking know what to do. I can help others. I can help the world. But I can't help myself. Other people try to support me. And I'm thankful that they do. But I... I still can't help myself.

I wish for this episode to be over. Gawd, I do. Other people rely on me, and they need me to be back on track. It is essential that I get back on track. But how can I heal when the only thing which could help me is to be rid of their dependence on me for a while?

How I wish I could just live for myself for a while. That it would only be me who would be affected if I make a misstep. But now, if I stumble, other people would fall too. And I'm trapped in this situation. I have to let these burdens go, but I can't. I simply can't walk away. There is no one to take my place.

It's frustrating, reader because recently I've devoted my time to finding out the right ideals from which I can wrap my life around. Ideals to be my pillars, my guiding principles on how to live. Unlike other people, maybe I actually already have a semblance of how to really live. But what I haven't figured out is how to live in this world. This world which is, you know, far from being ideal.