I Don't Love You

I can go on and on, talking about the same old shit which has been bugging me for two years now. I can let go of every unwanted feeling I have inside me - emotions which prevent me from growing up and moving on (hell, how many times have I used these two words?). I can write about the memories I thought I had. I can write about dreams and thoughts which are festering unreleased within my soul. I can talk about these things, trying to wallow in this fucked up state of lost love, and I know that the next week or so, the next month or so, I'll be back here. I know that I cannot be completely free.

I wonder what else I have to do to forget. I know that keeping it inside won't work - that they will simply develop into more serious things if left unshared. So I have to let these out. I want to feel it completely so I can separate myself from it. Let these publicly out so that somehow, when my readers read about this, they'll try to knock some sense into my thick head. I was hoping that when my readers see this, they'll look down on me because what I'm doing is totally immature and they'll lose the respect I've tried so hard to earn and I believed that that would somehow keep me on the straight and the narrow of what is right and what should be.

But it isn't working. Anymore. And I don't know what to do.

This isn't right, I know, but it isn't completely wrong because I really am trying to forget. I just don't know how to do it by myself. People have told me once and again about things that I can do to forget, and they do work for a time, but every now and then something will wake it up again. Or maybe I simply cannot forget about him completely. I don't know. If that is the case, I have a long road ahead of me. But I am willing to pay the costs, no matter what because I want to make our relationship work - my baby and I.

I'm still longing for that day when I can completely forget about you. I am waiting for that day when I can completely understand why you are reacting to me this way, when I can completely understand why I am being affected this way. I am waiting for that light which will help me understand why I keep coming back, as if there was still something left unfinished. I am longing for that day when saying your name won't stir up anything within me. When seeing you won't affect me as much as seeing a stranger would. I long for that day when I can finally be free of dreaming of you.

I had one, months ago. I dreamt I was talking to you again. Civilly. We were talking about mundane stuff. Just talking. And I was content. Being able to see you and being able to talk. And when it was time for you to go, when it was time for goodbyes and you were finally out of my vision, a voice in my dream said "one true love lost...". I was surprised by that bodiless voice, so much so that I woke up and sat in my bed, and with the realization that it was only a dream came a repetition of the same message in my head, "one true love lost..."

It was foolish. One true love lost? When the person had no feelings for me whatsoever? When I get this feeling that the person even hates me from his reactions? When nothing really happened between us? It was one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. The dream was clearly, a manifestation of my bottled up thoughts and feelings. The bodiless voice meant nothing. The voice repeating its message in my head when I was already awake meant nothing. I might have made that up. I might even have imagined it. There is no shred of truth in that "one true love lost" shit... Let me emphasize the word. SHIT!

People are laughing at me. Behind my back, my friends tell me I'm foolish, whenever I talk about you. It is true. They're right and I'm wrong. I hope I'm just not convincing myself.

I don't love you. There is no uncertainty in that. I already love someone else and my baby knows and feels this... But I can't make myself hate you. No matter what I do. No matter what you do. I can't make myself hate you despite what you've done to me.

And I can't make myself forget you.

Why? I don't know. But I don't love you.   

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

:)

Hehehe.