Planning the Launch

I
am neck-deep in preparations for my album's launch this March 28. I am
still amazed that I am actually having an event of my own! Well, in
truth, it isn't just mine - it will be our (me and my studes') semender
party, but that only makes the whole thing so much better!

I had this amazing idea one night in December, riding the KNL trike
home and the trike passed by Perk's Place and I thought - what if I
launch my new album there? What if I organize this party, invite my
students, play the whole album and dance to it? I wasn't able to sleep
at all that night. I was overly excited about the event, I can't wait
to tell my students about it.

By January, plans for the event somewhat died down since I was busy
with acad stuff but then last week, my biochem students reminded me of
the planned launch and most of them appeared enthusiastic about it.
They were actually going to push through with it. They immediately
started spawning... (hehe) ideas and I was overwhelmed by the support
they are willing to give. We had a hasty planning of the venue, the
date, the food, the activities, etc. and some of our ideas were serving
drinks with laboratory glassware (shots given in test tubes, drinking
from beakers, shot volumes measured in pipets or burets), blue food
(light blue is the theme color for the event) including blue iced tea,
blue distilled water, and blue gelatin (imitating a dyed SDS-PAGE gel),
ambitious production numbers, and plans on having a shirt made for the
event (black tee with "THE ICE" written in stylish light blue letters
in front).

Yesterday, I gave my students survey forms so I will be able to gauge
what they want for the party. For my Chem 16 classes (lec and lab),
here are the results:

Willing to have a semender party? Yes: 100%

Maximum amount of money willing to spend?
P100: 3%
P150: 29%
P200: 26%
P250: 9%
P300: 17%
P500: 11%
infinite: 6%

Priority in venue?
cost: 20%
proximity: 37%
amenities: 29%
fun: 9%
food: 6%

Date for the event?
Mar 28: 54%
Mar 29: 29%

Activities?
Games: 45%
Dancing: 21%
Food: 18%

Food?
Pasta: 34%
Pizza: 28%

Dessert?
Ice Cream: 39%
Cake: 27%

I have yet to give the survey to my biochem students, but as of this point, here are the arrangements (so far) agreed upon:

Date: March 28 (friday night... and the lights are low)
Venue: Perk's, along Maginhawa,
UP Village, The place has two floors including an open rooftop area and
there will actually be a stage area complete with eventish sound
system, lights, plus bubbles and smoke effects! Woohoo! There are even
plans for hiring bouncers I'm not lying).
Time: 7pm to 12mn (hopefully)
Venue capacity: 100 cool, talented, and beautiful people
Who are invited: My present students, some former students, some faculty, friends (Dr. Villaseñor may give the opening remarks. Her daughter is my Chem 16 student)
Ticket cost: Probably P200. I
have to raise the cost because there is a large demand for drinks (and
they're in no way very cheap you know). Quality food may even raise the
cost higher (depends on how many will come)
Publicity: tarp(s) will be made
featuring the album cover (naks!), pictures of the performers and other
students. This may also serve as the backdrop for the stage. Tickets
will be provided before hand. Announcements, text brigades, for former
students.
Food: Light food like finger
foods, snacks? (we'll be dancing anyway) It is suggested that we eat a
heavy dinner before going to the event. I'm thinking of Friuli for
pasta and pizza (cheaper but very good quality)
Drinks: Budget emphasis on
alcoholic drinks (You can eat anywhere. Not the same for drinking) Open
bar type. I will probably hire Julian (if he's available) to serve the
drinks. Blue-colored drinks a must!
Attire: anything (some performers might opt to wear costumes) "The Ice" t-shirt idea also considered
Program: Daring games
(suggested from survey). For the main album launch, all songs from the
album will be played in order of their lineup in the CD, and each will
be performed by me and my current students. It depends on the students'
style on how they will perform the song (real singing, lipsync,
dancing, chorvaness, etc!). Dancefloor is open while performances are
going on. Idea of awarding the best performance, to be determined by
neutral guests. After, dancing and drinking til you drop. Last,
album-giving and crying. Also, speeches galore.
Music: Songs requested by students

Well... I hope this event does push through and I expect we'll be
having loads of fun that night. It is a better alternative to going
out. At least, with this event, we'll be able to get what we want and
we will not be bothered by other people. An event of our own and in the
heart of it all is "The Ice", a tribute to coolness, chillness, and
having good clean fun. A musical testament to the good things in life!

See you there!

In the NIght

11pm. I was walking along the corporate streets behind SM Megamall. From a stranger's point of view, it might seem that I knew where I was going. I had this purposeful stride and a determined look on my face. But I was lost. I should have asked her for directions to EDSA, but she appeared to be in a hurry. I walked out of the elevator alone among corporate people, and surreptitiously looked around for that blue SM sign.

It's strange. I don't know how it is about other people but I like to pretend that I always know where I'm going. It could have been simpler to ask for directions from people I don't know instead of roaming around aimlessly. I don't like feeling helpless. I don't like talking to strangers. I don't like feeling I am stupid. So I kept walking, not even bothering to slow down my steps even if I might be going in the opposite direction.

I was lucky though. I was heading in the right direction after all. And there were signs. It occured to me then, how that experience was akin to real life. When I'm in a pickle, luck and signs (and a sense of direction) help me along the way. Predictably, I solved my own predicament on my own.

***

My Starbucks venti was on my left hand. My cig on my right. My ass was rubbing the plastic stool beside the service elevator of the corporate building where she works at night. I was talking with Rhay. My eyes were on the table.

Sometimes, talking with Rhay brings me down. She makes me feel inadequate. I know it's because she's already rather rich. She is able to give lots of money to her family. And it doesn't help that it was just two years ago when we were still rather on the same financial level.

But I am not envious of her. She deserves her wealth. She's been working really hard. She told me she's planning to take her mom on a visit to Malaysia.

It made me think.

I told her I have other goals right now. I told her I'm not aiming for money right now. I am satisfied with my life. But I'm not earning enough for my family. I can't feed them all, yet.

I told her that sometimes I think of being totally independent of my family. I told her that they weigh me down. Here I was, nailing my seminar, winning "That's My Prof", my album on the way to its launch, and then my mom will text me if I will go home since my dad is sick and that they don't even have money for rice.

I told Rhay that money is not on my agenda at present. Right now, I said, I want to fulfill my emotional needs. I am completing my own person before I proceed to other stuff. Why do my parents' mistakes have to be passed on to me? It was their fault they are where they are right now. I've been successful on my own. They are not my responsibility. I'm not ready to feed three adult mouths.

Pero ikaw na talaga, she said.

My eyes landed on the table.

***

I was thinking of writing this entry on my way home. I was thinking of what I will name this entry, looking absently through the bus' window. I was thinking of how I'd like the ride to never end, going through towns, the view always changing, lights zooming past but never stopping.

I was thinking about endings.

I was thinking about getting older.

I was thinking about being unselfish.

The end of my era, my world, my music is sadly approaching.

Scientist

Reality check - I'm already three years into my straight-PhD career in chemistry, but I'm still feeling rather lost about my life. Where am I really going? Am I really fully decided on fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a scientist?

I remember way back in elementary school when people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up. "To be a scientist" was always my ready answer since I was a very curious child, always wanting to know the why and the how about stuff. I thought it would be fun being a scientist, inventing stuff and mixing chemicals. Discovering new things and winning Nobel prizes. But now that I am really on that path (too late) I realized something - it is not that easy. Not at all.

There are two major things wannabe scientists have to go through - the course work and the research. The former, I can handle well enough. It is a passive thing. You go to class, you listen, you study, and you pass the exams. That's it. But conducting your own research is... umm... quite beyond me, at present. I'm the laziest person in the world, even eating is a chore for me.

In doing research, you have to set a rigid schedule, do experiments on time, buy your own reagents, arrange stuff... Just the thought of meeting deadlines, having no time for yourself strangles me. What if, in the middle of the experiment, I felt like resting a bit? What if suddenly, I felt like I'm not enjoying what I'm doing anymore? What will my adviser say?

Rhay knows I only went through my undergraduate thesis because of her rigid time frame. Left to myself, I would probably leave everything undone til March, postponing every activity, procrastinating everything I might not have graduated on time.

With exams, you can cram. And you can think on the spot while taking it. But experiments cannot be crammed - procedures take time, instruments have to be conditioned, etc. etc! I'm just not organized enough for it.

Recently, I've been attending seminars by scientists who have gone abroad where they studied and did their research, and one of them said that if, at this age, we haven't started our own researches yet then we're going nowhere.

So that means I am going nowhere?

Frustration. The drive is there within me. I know it. I still have that childhood thirst to study about something and do actual experiments and learn something new. But I do not have the initiative. I need somebody to force me to do it, like what Rhay did on our theses. But isn't that what the Institute is already doing to us graduate students?

I've taken it easy since I graduated from college. I needed to take a step back from busyness and enjoy my life a little. But now that I've been to the other side of life, I feel like I don't want to go back to the rigid world of science anymore.

But time is running out. I have to go back. Maybe three years of resting is enough.

I want to be a scientist. I want to be called a doctor. I can do what needs to be done.

When I Die

When I die, I want to be cremated. I don't want my loved ones to look down on my dead body. I don't like the idea that they'll remember me lying there, lifeless. I want them to see me in their minds while I was alive. I want to be remembered that way. I don't want to be seen wearing formal clothing barefoot. Not my style. Also, whatever healthy organs I still have when I die, I will gladly donate. Or perhaps they can be sold. I don't care.

On my wake, I don't want people to think too much about whether I'll be in heaven or not. That topic is taboo. I don't need them to pray for me, though I can hardly stop them I suppose. I'm not sure worrying will do much good and it will only give them headaches. I won't be bothered about the traditional "40 days". Remembering me is enough. There is no need to pray for the peace of my soul. I am responsible for my actions while I was still alive.

I suppose I can't get around the priest's ceremony or the occasional group prayers. I don't know what my parents and friends will do. That ceremony will be for the older ones, my relatives. They need that. Anyway, no matter what my or my friends' beliefs are, that will serve as a time for reflection. On me, of course.

I want complete silence on my wake. Whispers are allowed. Sobs are allowed. Laughter is allowed only if it was caused by memories of me. If you want to play card games or want to talk about something else, I suggest you do it outside where I cannot hear, though I know I won't be able to scold those who are noisy. You may talk about how I died.

I trust my parents will choose a suitable picture, to be placed next to my ashes. Maybe they'd use my grad pic. Though I'd prefer it if all my album covers were there instead, except perhaps for the "Lovely" cover since that would scandalize my conservative relatives. I want a lot of pictures displayed, showing the different phases of my life. I require pictures taken when I was a toddler, when I was in elementary, in high school, in college, after college. I require pictures with my family, with my relatives, with my friends, with my students, with my pet cat Baby. I want a picture of me and my real Baby there, and I'd trust my Baby to defend his right if my parents will object. I want pictures of me caught in a happy moment, in an emotional moment. Pictures with meaningful special effects.

I want people to see my pictures and think on them. To catch glimpses of how I lived my life. I want them to think on how reserved I was in the beginning and how I slowly opened up to the world. I want them to learn from my mistakes, and follow the things I did right.

I want a video presentation to be shown just before my funeral. The soundtrack will be songs from my albums. The video presentation should include excerpts from my blogs, pictures of objects which are dear to me, including letters, gifts from my students, personal possessions. If possible, I want my written works printed (including those not published in the internet) and published as a book to be given to those who want copies. Copies of my albums, most probably my greatest hits, should also be made available to those who want copies.

I don't want to think about funds. I don't have enough money to pay for every expense. I guess I'd escape that responsibility. I sure am sorry for dying on you penniless. But I know I am worth every dime you contribute to my funeral expenses. I'd try to repay you in some way. I am a grateful person. Maybe you can sell my written works or my albums.

I want all my past students to be there. It is my last requirement. I want them to reminisce on our class. I want them to talk to my other students and remember as many memories as they can. I want them to talk to me, no matter how silly that may seem. It will mean very much to me. I want them to cry, if possible. Because wherever I may be at that time, I'm surely crying for them, too.

I want my pet cat to be there, too. I want my friends to talk to him and explain that I am gone and will never be able to hug him or pet him again. I want him to understand, too. That cat loves me.

I want my friends to comfort my parents. I think my parents will really be devastated with me gone. I need my friends to be strong for me. I am a coward, you know. With me dying early, I am able to escape a lot of responsibilities, including the deaths of my loved ones. I don't want to die this early. But somehow, it's rather okay because I tried to live the fullest life I can. I was ready. I've always been aware than I'd die sooner or later. If I wasn't, this entry will not exist.

I'd miss being alive. Just thinking of me dying makes me cry. What a silly idea, writing this entry. But I should be prepared. With this entry, I ensured that I will be remembered the way I want to be remembered. That my last wishes will be followed.

My baby will be the one to explain these wishes to my parents. If my baby cannot, it will be Rhay. If Rhay cannot, it will be Esme.

I don't want the priest to dictate how my funeral will be carried out. My wishes should be given utmost importance. I want speeches to be made during my final ceremony. Someone should arrange what the order should be. My only requirement is, aside from their speeches being meaningful, they should be honest. I don't want them to gloss over the things I've done wrong, or try to inflate the small things I've done. After their speeches, the audience should get to see me in another light, and will therefore get to know me more.

I want this part read aloud on that same ceremony:

To my students, I've reminded you that anytime we can die. Remember the fun we've had inside and outside the classroom. I've learned a lot from you. Remember me, and spread the word. Live your life to the fullest while you can. This is my last lesson.

To my friends, God I'd miss all of you so much. I am lucky to have been surrounded by such good friends as you. This is rather hard on me, you know, dying, and I want you to be strong, okay? You can cry. Come on, cry. (Pause until sobs are heard) This is my last attempt to make you laugh.

To my family, please accept it that I am gone. Mommy, remember what you told me? Things like this should be accepted and not questioned. Kung may lungkot, may ligaya.

To my baby, hey...

Dawn at Red Island

It has always been my bad habit to focus on the things which are wrong in my life. Ever since, I've always talked about my failures and deficiencies, lost relationships, things I cannot have... I was blinded by these faults in my personality and in my surroundings. Time and again, I've continually picked at the holes in my life's tapestry, letting myself be carried away by my own self-pity and my overly-analytical mind coupled with my overly-emotional heart.

That phase in my life, I believe, has come to an end.

From now on, I will focus on the things which I have, which after some reflection, are not bad at all.

First, I have a good job. I am an instructor at the premiere university in the country, of a subject that the university excels in. Chancellor Cao was right, I am a part of the best of the best. Few can become UP students but fewer are qualified to be UP instructors. I am proud of my job.

Second, I am working in an intellectual community. I am taking my MS degree and that keeps my brain sharp. I enjoy what I'm learning. I like it how biochemistry can make impossibilities (like me having superpowers) closer to reality. And grade-wise, I think I still am closer to the top than to the bottom.

Third, I am rather famous. With every sem that passes, more UP students get to hear of my name. Being famous has always been one of my life's dearest ambitions and I never thought teaching will give me that!

Fourth, I love my students and I suppose most of them love me back. I love teaching them about chemistry, life, and love. I get to know really good friends and the love I get in return is priceless. I virtually have a real army of friends (hundreds of them) behind me!

Fifth, I am living comfortably. I'm staying in a new and nice dormitory. I can afford to splurge a little on things that I like. True, I still cannot buy everything that I want but at this point, I am getting enough and I am contented with the possessions that I have.

Sixth, I am remembered. My relatives notice when I'm not present family gatherings. My relatives ask how I am doing. My students and friends remember me by texting me quotes, posting comments, sending messages, inviting me to events occasionally. My company is wanted. And my monthly friendster viewings (so far) have not fallen below the hundred level.

Seventh, I am living the life that I want. I am free to do what I want to do. I am free to express myself and to be who I really am. I do not feel threatened to stop being me and people like me just the way I am.

And lastly,
the reason why I'm feeling so good right now
that no matter what kind of problems you throw at me, I know that somehow I'm going to be okay because I have the greatest treasure life has to offer


I've got true love
I have my baby


And that is a reason to celebrate

:)

I Wanna Suck You

I wanna kiss you and suck you til you're dry. I wanna suck you til you're devoid of life. I wanna suck you til you beg me to stop, though I know you don't have the means to resist. Once I ignite you, you're putty in my hands.

I wanna suck you anytime, anywhere. I don't think many can have sucking here in school, but we know secret places they don't. So I suck you almost everyday, whenever I have the time. Before classes, before taking exams. We sneak to our secret place and you let me suck you til you're hot and I'm satisfied. Other teachers may see me, and know that I'm getting myself some (for the nth time), but I don't care. They're too good and normal. They don't suck as often as I do. Most haven't done any sucking at all.

So I suck. I suck you until my throat is dry. I suck you and let you into my deepest crevices, and I get high. Oh, how I get high.

Those around me tell me it's bad, sucking you. Some tell me to do it less often. But I don't listen to them. They're just jealous and they don't understand. This is between you and me. I want it, and you're willing to let me have you so I suck you. And I get you hot then you let me put my lips on you. Simple as that.

Now enough of this entry. I wanna get myself some throat-deep sucking.

***

Wow what an entry. Somebody should help me quit smoking.

This Blog

Ah. It's been ages since I've been here in this blog. The longest time I've gone without rattling the keyboard. So much for that "regularly annoying" blogger...

There was a reason, reader, why I was away. For one, I have been very busy with work and my acads. For another, I got sick. You've missed a lot of happenings in my life, reader. The anniversary, my aunt's death, things at home, my escapades, and discoveries about myself. And I missed recording the significant ones here. It is my loss.

There was a time, reader, some days ago, when I thought that blogging was just a phase in my life and that I'm over it now. For the first time, I felt that I needed no audience. I needed no outlet. That I was complete and that writing, from then on, would be a chore.

I was afraid of that feeling. I was afraid of that big change in me. For two years, aside from my albums, this blog was the most constant thing in my life. This blog was my free domain, where I can say almost anything that I want. This blog contained almost everything that happened. I lived in this blog. I've made a world out of my entries and now, I'm having thoughts of quitting?

Then, I realize, reader, what my utmost reason in writing is. I learned that it wasn't really for the comments or for the attention. It was not really for self-actualization or for self-expression. I discovered that I write simply for myself. For the small pleasure I get seeing my words on the screen.

I change, reader. And there may come a day when no more entries will come out of this blog. But even so, what I've written here will remain as a testament of the life I once lived. I am proud of that life. I may have made a fool out of myself a number of times. I may have hurt some people, but I don't regret the things I've revealed in here. That was who I was.

Ah. I'm rambling and being emo. Bye for now.

I missed being in here.