HIV+

LE once told me that one of the things she admires about me most is that I never panic. We were about to submit a reaction paper for our Enzymes class the next day and I haven't really read the articles that well yet. When she asked me about how I would be able to finish it, I simply shrugged and told her that everything would be fine eventually. We're already MS students, I told her. We don't need to grovel with acads as much as we did.

***

D made me confess about the exploration I've done last August (see "Sa Apartment") and one of the things he made me admit (aside from the... other things) was that I wasn't safe when I did what I did.

"What are the chances anyway?" I told him. "He looked healthy enough for me..."

But still, deep in my mind lodges the idea that at present, I might be sick. Even if I do look out for symptoms, I will not be able to see anything this early. It's only been 5 months since that night.

If I were to be tested right now and the results proved that I'm HIV-positive, I will accept it. I was educated enough. I knew the risks that I took, and it was my choice to have done that unprotected. If my death were to be caused by AIDS, so be it. I'm strong enough to handle it. I think.

But how am I going to explain it to those I had sex with since?

The small probability that I might have it scares me enough. But I'm scared more for those who I might have infected... They're probably going to kill me if I am sick.

To be safe, I'll have myself tested next month. Before Valentine's to be safer.

***

But despite this unsolved uncertainty, I'm still not in a panic... as long as I don't uselessly dwell on it often.

:(