Hertz

I want to be a musician. I want to take my listeners on a ride. I want to impart a message. I want to share my ruminations on love. On happiness and sadness and the gray areas in between. On feelings and their absence. I want to share stories about life. I want to touch lives.

There is a whole world inside my head. It's not perfect but it's alive. So alive that it is bursting at the seams and leaking out of the perimeters of my brain. They come out as my blogs, my Facebook posts, and my albums. They come out and I let them because I want them to last. I don't want to die without leaving any imprints behind. I don't want to die without making this world a bit better than when I first came into it.

There is so much to be shared and so much left to discover. And sadly I don't have anyone else's hand to hold as I go deeper into these cerebral adventures. I don't have anyone to whisper all these exciting ideas to so I shout them out to the world instead. Maybe someone will hear. Maybe someone will make something out of it. Maybe someone will catch a glimpse of this whole world inside of me.

Musicians, they're lucky to be given the chance to share all these melodies and meanings. And we're lucky to be able to hear them and learn from them and feel them. And mutually, we grow and change. For the worse or for the better, it doesn't matter. Just as long as we get something out of it.

The afternoon sunlight pours through the window and I'm lying on my bed, just listening to this beautiful song I just unearthed today. And as the curtain flutters because of the wind coming in from that faraway storm, somehow, I find in it a special meaning. Such is the power of a good song. It transports you to states you never even thought existed within you.

Once I finish this blog, I will stand up and look at the window. I just want to look at the street, at the houses, at the overcast sky. I know that someone out there is doing the same.

I got tired of searching, too bruised to walk. But I'll broadcast my thoughts all the same. I still have the strength to do that at least. Somewhere, someone out there is doing the same.


And it is during times like these when this conviction grows - that I'm one of those few who'd rather be blind than deaf.

The eyes, they're superficial. They only see what is on the outside. But when we listen instead, that is when we hear what is real. What cannot be hidden by bright colors or special effects. It's easy to paint a face but nothing can truly muffle the beating of one's heart.

You And I

Nakikinig ako ngayon sa kanta ni Lady Gaga na "You And I" at alam ko na kahit hindi swak ang lyrics ay ikaw ang naiisip ko sa kanta na 'to. Siguro kasi matagal ko na ding naiisip na magsusulat ako tungkol sa nalalapit mong pag-alis at nagkataon na "You And I" nga din ang naiisip kong title ng blog.

Sa ngayon, medyo naiiyak din ako. Na iba pa din talaga kapag nagsisink-in na na aalis ka na nga talaga. Iba pa din yun finality na hindi na tayo pwedeng magkita kahit na anong pilit pa.

Naisip ko kasi, matagal ko na namang alam na aalis ka na. Akala ko prepared na naman ako. Kung tutuusin nga dumating din naman yung panahon na matagal din tayong hindi nagkikita. Pero hindi ko na maalala kung na-miss nga ba kita noong mga panahong iyon. Siguro kasi alam ko namang nandyan ka lang. Na magagawan naman ng paraan kung kailangan ko talaga ng kausap.

Tapos kanina, naisip ko lang bigla sa Pepper Lunch na mukhang iba na nga ito. Na baka taon ang bilangin bago tayo magkita ulit. Tapos hayun, nalungkot na ako. Kasi naisip ko, ang dami na sigurong nagbago noon. Na natatakot akong baka hindi na natin makilala ang isa't isa kapag muli tayong magkita. Natatakot ako doon kasi nasanay na akong nandyan ka lang. Na lagi tayong updated sa isa't isa.

Tapos hayun, aalis ka na nga. Tapos wala na din si Lea kaya mas naramdaman ko yung kawalan ng mga kaibigan ko. Kayong dalawa lang naman talaga ang sinusunod ko kasi. Kaya natatakot ako sa mga mangyayari sa akin kapag wala na kayo. Hay, bahala na...

Naiiyak din naman ako kanina pero hindi ko lang pinapahalata. Ayoko din kasi ng awkwardness at saka parang nakakahiya kay Verge. At siyempre medyo na-overshadow ni Faye yung moment. Hehehe.

***

Naalala ko pa yung gabi na nasa rooftop tayo ng boarding house sa KNL. Wala pa akong Darwin nun o Dan o Jarth. Wala pa din si Ariel o si Verge. Wala pa si Revee siyempre. Tayong dalawa lang nun. Tayo pa.

Tapos nabanggit mo nun na gusto mo ngang magpunta tayo sa States. Tapos sabi ko wala naman akong pera. Tapos sabi mo mag-iipon ka para sa ating dalawa. Ang alam ko tumawa lang ako nun o hindi umimik. Kasi ganoon ako kapag na-touch ako nang todo. Tapos hindi ko na nakalimutan yun kasi minsan lang may mag-offer sa akin ng ganun. Alam mo na, may pagka-independent kasi talaga ako madalas. Kaya kapag may tumutulong sa akin like that, hindi ko nakakalimutan.

Tapos hayan, aalis ka na. At iyan naman talaga ang hanga ako sa iyo kasi tinutupad mo talaga ang mga pangarap mo. Aalis ka na nga ngayon. Ikaw lang. At iiwan mo na ako.

Siguro iba sa iyo kasi marami ka namang mga iba pang kaibigan. Na close friends talaga. Ako kasi... Parang ikaw na lang iyon lately. Sa iyo lang naman ako nakakapag-kuwento nang lahat-lahat. Na kahit ang ingay ko sa Facebook o sa blog ko, sa iyo ko lang nasasabi mga totoong secrets ko. Na hindi ko na kailangang magpanggap na mabuti o ewan kapag nag-uusap tayo over coffee. Yung super komportable lang.

Ngayon hindi ko na alam kapag wala ka na. Sino na kayang matetext ako sa mga panahong kailangan ko talaga ng kausap? Kapag medyo matindi ang problema. Sino na? Sino na ang makakausap ko? Sino na lang ba yung mga taong totoong makakaintindi sa akin?

Tapos tsong, alam mo iyon. Sa mga kaibigan ko kasi, parang sa iyo lang ako naging dependent. Na kapag nababaliw ako tapos magtetext ka lang ng "Umayos ka" tapos kahit papaano napapasunod mo ako. Umaayos ako.

Alam mo iyon, sa dami ng mga napagdaanan natin, hindi ko naman maiiwasan na maging ganito. Na kung ituring kita ay parang parte na ng katawan ko. Naiinggit ako sa iyo tsong kasi kaya mo. Na parang nakapag-asawa ka na't lahat. Na ang dami nang nangyari sa buhay mo tapos ako nasa rooftop pa din, nakatingin lang sa langit at nagbibilang ng shooting stars.

Natatakot ako sa future tsong. Kapag umalis ka na, kailangan ko nang sanayin ang sarili ko na ako na lang talaga. For the good na rin siguro yun.

Nakakatawa 'tong sorta farewell post ko para sa iyo 'no? Kasi puro tungkol na lang sa akin ang sinulat ko. Kasi alam ko naman na kakayanin mo yan eh. Tsaka mukhang excited ka na naman na umalis. Siyempre, I'm happy for you and all that (the usual generic farewell kabaduyan na sinasabi ng mga hindi mo naman talaga naging close) pero hindi ko na kailangang sabihin yun. Alam mo na iyon.

Siguro ang gusto ko lang iparating ay kahit sa akin, malaki kang kawalan. Hindi ko lang pinapakita. Pero alam ko na kapag dumating yung panahon na kailangan ko ng kausap at ikaw lang ang alam kong makakaintindi sa akin, iiyak na lang ako sa kama ko. O kung saan man ako abutan ng luha ko.

Paalam, tsong.

Naalala mo 'tong song na 'to?
"Ohhhh, hindi ko maisip kung wala ka, Ohhhh, sa buhay ko..."

When Your Heart Is Broken

When your heart is broken you can't love anymore
They can push or pull or stay but you can't open the door
They can say "hold my hand and I will be forever yours"
But such sweet words are wasted on a heart already sore

When your heart is broken you find solace in the day
You focus on your work to chase such gloomy thoughts away
You don't care whether it's worth it, you don't care what people say
Keep going through the motions, in the end you'll have your pay

When your heart is broken you will come to dread the night
The darkness sinks its claws on you, it's something you can't fight
While others see a rainbow, all those colors glowing bright
No matter how you squint, what you will see is black and white

The stalwart one, that's who I was, that brave soldier of love
Whoever I set my sights on, I gave all, expected none
Still I was spurned one time too many, my heart stepped upon
And now I've burned myself out, my love's going going gone!

I can have a boyfriend now if I really wanted to
I could've had somebody, in my bed there's room for two
But none can make me stir again, not anyone, not you
My heart has been petrified and there's nothing I can do

I used to think that a broken heart is when you cry like a waterfall
It's crawling back to him on all fours, his name all that you call
But I have traveled far and wide and I learned that I was wrong
'Cause when your heart is really broken you'll feel nothing, nothing at all

Flying Ipis

Malapit nang matapos ang isa na namang araw kong mala buhay-Curacha. Mula sa alas-otso kong klase sa Plus University, hanggang sa pagbisita ko sa UP para kunin ang aking TOR at makipaglaro ng Monopoly Deal sa aking mga dating katrabaho, hanggang sa mayaman kong med student tutee sa Loyola Grand Villas, sa wakas ay natagpuan ko na rin ang sarili kong nakatayo sa bus papuntang Las Pinas. Pasado alas-diyes na ng gabi ngunit puno pa rin ang sasakyan.

Bukas ang TV ng bus at kahit na habit kong hindi manood (lalo na kung GMA Tele-something ang palabas) ay hindi ko pa rin napigilang sumulyap sa telebisyon dahil ba naman sa naghuhumiyaw na dubbed na mga boses ng isa na namang Koreanovelang ni-recycle. Ang sama ng tingin ko sa TV dahil opinyon ko na sobrang nakaka-bobo ng ilang mga palabas sa GMA. At sa busangot kong itsura na iyon (na para bang may personal wrong na nagawa sa akin ang walang kamalay-malay na telebisyon) ay doon ko nasilayan ang lalaking may asul na sapatos.

Gwapo siya, given na yun. Medyo mahaba ang buhok at maputi. Maganda ang pangangatawan kahit na medyo maliit. Pansin na pansin ko yung height niya dahil kapag malubak ay halos mauntog na ako sa bubungan ng bus samantalang sa kanya ay napakalawak pa ng espasyo na tingin ko pwede pa akong mag-dive sa ibabaw niya.

Wala akong habas na tumitig sa kanya dahil nasa may harapan naman siya ng TV, at kahit na mahuli niya ako ay kayang-kaya kong magpanggap na inosente lang na nanonood ng Koreanovela. Kapag nangalay na ako ay tinitingnan ko na lang ang reflection niya sa bintana ng bus. Ngunit di rin tumatagal ay harapan ko pa ran siyang titingnan dahil nais ko pa siyang kilatisin. Nais ko siyang kabisaduhin. Sabi na ng kaibigan ko, kailangang mag-ipon ng titig dahil "hanggang bukas pa iyon."

Tiningnan ko ang kanyang buhok, ang kanyang kilay. Tiningnan ko ang profile ng kanyang ilong at tamang-tama dahil naka-sideview siya (hindi siya nanonood ng TV, buti naman). Tiningnan ko ang kanyang pisngi at ang labi, hanggang sa mga braso niya at mga kamay. Paminsan-minsan ay tinitingnan din niya ang sarili niyang reflection sa bintana ng bus, aayusin ng kaunti ang kanyang tindig at ngumingiti siya.

"Siya na," naisip ko. "Siya na 'tong perpekto."

Tiningnan ko ang sarili kong reflection at lalo kong nadama kung gaano ako kalayo sa kanya. Bakit ang features niya, parang iginuhit? Bakit maayos lahat ng parte ng mukha niya? Wala man lang mga irregularities? Bakit maayos ang katawan niya? Bakit ang puti at ang kinis niya? Bakit siya ganun at ako hindi ganun?

Paminsan-minsan dumarating pa din ako sa puntong mga ganun, lalo na't nagkalat ang mga gwapo sa Plus University. Tapos mas nalulungkot ako dahil alam kong mas pumangit pa ako through the years. Hindi kagaya ng iba na "Wow ooh lala!" ang reaction na nakukuha kapag nakita muli ng long lost friends. Sa akin parang "Aaargh!" ang reaction. Nalulungkot ako dahil dati tingin ko medyo cute pa ako. Na may lumalandi at lumalapit pa sa akin. Ngayon, hindi na talaga. Mga manyak na lang ang lumalapit.

Umabot na kami sa Zapote at naputol ang aking self-pity marathon dahil maraming bababa. May bumaba sa upuan sa harap ko kaya nakaupo ako agad. Natuwa ako dahil hindi ko na kailangang lingunin si gwapo guy. Pero dahil sa puwersa ng pagbaba ng mga tao ay napalapit pa siya sa akin at tiyempong sa tapat ko pa siya huminto at tumayo. Inilagay pa niya ang kamay niya sa likod ng upuan sa harap ko.

Sa sobrang tuwa ko ay naisip ko na pwede ko itong i-blog kaya tinaasan ko pa ang pagiging observant ko. Kinilatis kong maigi ang kanyang braso, na halos pati pores niya ay nakita ko na. Ang lilinis ng kuko niya (pati yun perperkto ang pagkakagupit) at dahil sa lapit niya, na-imagine ko na din ang pakiramdam kung kayakap ko siya. Humikab siya at naramdaman ko pati ang ibinuga niyang hangin. Nag-ilusyon ako na kunyari boyfriend ko siya tapos naisip ko na ang saya-saya ko siguro. Kahit nga mga LQ namin na-imagine ko na din.

Pero maya-maya nagsawa na din ako. Na para bang natikman ko na siya dahil sa sobrang lapit niya. Kaya napaisip na lang ako tungkol sa pagka-malibog ng mga tao (at ng sarili ko) at nalungkot ako dahil sadyang ganun nga ang lakad ng mundo.

Sa maraming bagay, idealistic ako. At isa dun ay ang gasgas na paniniwala ko na mas mahalaga ang character ng isang tao kesa sa itsura. Pero naisip ko na kahit pa pangit ang ugali ng lalaki sa tabi ko, ay papatulan ko pa din siya. Dahil lang sa itsura niya.

Naalala ko yung isang lalaking naka-date ko kamakailan. Ayos na ayos na sana siya. Swak na swak ang personality sa akin. Soulmate material kumbaga. Pasado sa aking intellectual and emotional requirements. Pero heto, hindi ko na siya tinetext. Nung huli kaming magkita, pinipilit kong may maramdamang spark. Pero wala talaga kasi. At dahil lang iyon sa itsura niya. At naaasar ako sa sarili ko dahil dun.

"Choosy ka pa?" sabi ng kaibigan ko.

"Hindi ko naman kasi mapipilit yun," sabi ko.

At nalungkot ako (at medyo nanlamig) sa realization na kahit ano pang pagka-idealistic ko, alipin pa din ako ng laman. Kahit na anong gawin ko, ganun yata talaga ako. Ganun talaga yata tayong lahat, kung magpapaka-totoo lang tayo. Bading man o tibo o babae o lalaki. Ganun naman lahat tayo

***

Kanina dito sa bahay, may nakita akong ipis sa kisame. At mukhang gusto niyang lumipad. Tapos (siyempre takot din ako dun) dali-dali akong tumakbo sa may hagdanan. Tapos natigilan na lang ako nung naisip ko na kung butterfly kaya iyon, tatakbo ba ako? Kasalanan ba ng ipis kung pangit siya? Wala na ba siyang karapatang lumipad porket ganoon siya pinanganak?

Umakyat ako ng hagdanan at nalungkot para sa lahat naming mga pangit na bagay sa mundo.

Wala Nang Iba

Namimiss ko ang baby ko.

Namimiss ko kapag magkikita kami tuwing Friday. Namimiss ko kapag mag-didinner kami tapos manonood ng sine pagkatapos. Namimiss ko yung pagtulog namin sa motel. Yung patagong paglalakad, kunyari hindi magkakilala pero sa isang kuwarto lang din naman patungo. Namimiss ko yung pagkasara ng pinto ay yayakapin ko agad siya. Sasabihin ko "Baby..." tapos bubuhatin ko siya tapos hahalikan. Namimiss ko yung uututan ko siya tapos magagalit siya. At magagalit talaga siya.

Namimiss ko yung paggising namin sa umaga, nagmamadali dahil malapit na mag-time out. Namimiss ko yung maliligo kami nang sabay tapos magugulat ako dahil sinasabunan din niya ako. Namimiss ko yung gulo-gulo kong buhok habang nag-aagahan kami sa Krispy Kreme sa Megamall. Namimiss ko yung pagsubok ko sa Ginger Ale tapos hindi pala masarap.

Namimiss ko yung paghihintay naming magbukas ang Megamall at palaboy-laboy lang kami sa labas ng mall. Namimiss ko yung pagkakape namin sa Starbucks. Yung pagbili ko ng frappe at pagbili niya ng banoffee pie. Namimiss ko yung pakikinig namin sa Walkman fone ko, tig-isang earphones. Tapos magbabasa siya ng dyaryo samantalang magyoyosi lang ako.

Namimiss ko kapag aakyat siya ng escalator tapos mauuna siya sa akin tapos kunyari susundutin ko nang mahina yung puwet niya tapos kunyari hindi ko sinasadya. Sasabihin ko "Ay, sorry..." tapos kunyari maiirita siya. Namimiss ko yung kapag nagugutom ako kaso wala na akong pera tapos siya na lang magbabayad.

Namimiss ko yung pagpasyal namin sa Home Section ng Department Store tapos magpla-plano kami ng mga bibilihin para sa bahay namin in the future. Namimiss ko yung pagpili namin ng mga damit tapos doon ako lagi mapupunta sa mga pang-bagets samantalang siya naman doon sa mga pang-office.

Namimiss ko yung mg tampuhan namin. Yung halos iwanan ko na talaga siya sa inis at galit ko pero susunod pa din siya sa akin, kahit anong bilis ng lakad ko. Tapos kapag pasakay na ako ng bus, tatawagin niya ako pabalik at sasabihing mag-usap kami. Tapos maiiyak ako sa pagpapaliwanag kung bakit ako galit pero mamaya matatawa na din. Kasi alam ko na mas mahalagang andun siya, nagtatampo man ako sa kanya o hindi.

Namimiss ko yung pagkapanood namin ng Wall-E tapos kunyari ako si Wall-E at siya si Eve tapos gagayahin ko yung pagtawag ni Wall-E kay Eve.

"E-Vah!"

Tapos nasa foodcourt kami noon tapos ang saya lang na magkasama kami. Na parang walang ibang tao kundi kami lang. Magngingitian lang sa isa't isa. Tapos yun na. Masaya na kami nang ganun.

Tapos ngayon halos makalimutan ko na yung pakiramdam na ganun. Yung may kasama palagi. Halos hindi ko na mapaniwalaan na minsan sa buhay ko, naranasan kong magka-boyfriend nang seryoso talaga. Naranasan ko yung ganung level nang pagmamahal.

Tapos ngayon ko lang naiisip na ang laki kong tanga at ginawa ko yun sa kanya. Ang lakas kasi ng loob ko. Akala ko madali lang makahanap ng boyfriend. Akala ko may mas hihigit pa sa kanya. Pero ngayon, kahit na meron akong mga nakaka-date... Kahit minsan may mga bagong crush ako. May mga bagong lalaki man na mas sweet, mas maalaga, mas gwapo at mas maganda ang katawan, o mas mayaman. Alam ko na balewala lang din naman sila kasi hindi sila ang baby ko.

Kaso nakalimutan na yata ako ng baby ko. Hindi ko na siya mahagilap. Hindi naman niya na ako hinahanap. Wala na akong lugar sa buhay niya.

Masakit din pala. Masakit din pala talaga, kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas.

Naalala ko nung gabi na nag-break kami.

"Kahit na maghihiwalay tayo, ikaw lang ang tatawagin kong 'baby'" sabi mo. "Wala na akong ibang baby. Ikaw lang..."

"Ako din. Magkaroon man ako ng bago, hindi 'baby' ang itatawag ko sa kanila... Ikaw lang yun."

Hanggang ngayon, ikaw pa din ang baby ko. Ikaw lang at wala nang iba.

The Price of My Failure

NOTE TO MY READERS: This entry is one-sided, as it tells only a fraction of my experiences in my new job so far. This may sound displeasing to those of you who have affinities towards this certain university, and I sincerely apologize if some of the things here may sound offensive. These are merely my thoughts and opinions, and I cannot be right all the time. I know some of these are wrong feelings, but I cannot help but feel them still. With time, I hope, these feelings will change for the better.

***

I was walking along the A****** walkway, surrounded by all these A********ns in their multitude of uniforms (which varies depending on their respective colleges or courses). Some of them were noisy, and a few were even playing, high school-like, with each other right there on the path. I passed by one such group and heard a bit of what they were having fun about. I shook my head inwardly (it was about something definitely low-brow) on what I heard and hastened my pace as if through that, I can escape this deluge of uniforms, haircut rules, in-your-face cheatings, unwarranted rowdiness, academic ineptness, and crucifixes which have been threatening to smother me. I gripped my A****** ID and bowed my head and thought of how far I have fallen.

***

I was standing in the LRT on my way to Araneta for the Kylie concert. I was squeezed between strangers, breathing in what they breathe out. My leather shoes, which I have got to wearing five days a week, weren't giving much comfort on my deadly tired lower limbs. But it weren't just my legs which were exhausted. All of me was, as was most often the case these days. I was so tired then in the LRT, that several times I had to unceremoniously clutch at my neighbors because I was falling asleep on my feet. My legs were literally buckling under the pressure of keeping up with my UP friends and our night outs and the demanding hours (ten straight hours that day) of my new work. And as I stood there, leaning my sweaty forehead on the hand rails, I struggled to stay on my toes and realized how far I have fallen.

***

I was racing on my way up to my narrow laboratory cubicle to wolf down some lunch. I only had thirty minutes to spare before my next class. I tried to put my things as quietly as possible on my cubicle because my colleagues were having their lunch on the big table towards the back of the room. I did not want them to notice I was there because I did not want to have to refuse their invitation to join them. They had been nothing but nice to me ever since I joined them. And their fond treatment of me as if I were their own son was heartwarming, to say the least. But I couldn't be myself when they are around. I hardly open my mouth except to greet them or to ask work-related questions. They have been trying to reach to me, I know, and that was why I had to stick to myself because the real me cannot be unleashed in A******'s ascetic environment. I hunkered down on my cubicle, meek as a mouse, and as I forked my way through the lunch I brought, I thought of the lunch time I could have had in IC's JFR, surrounded by laughter and friends. I tried to relish the food I was eating but my thoughts wouldn't budge on how far I have fallen.

***

I faced the white board to write the day's quiz and heard murmurings on my back. I reminded my students (who seem to act younger than they are) not to talk once we've started the quiz. I turned my back once again and still heard students whispering to each other.

***

I was going back to my table in front of the classroom after handing out my prelim examinations when this one student raised his hand. I approached him and he asked me, "Sir, what is rust?" as he pointed out a question on the classification of matter. I was so surprised at this question, knowing very well that I was talking to a senior student, that it took a while for me to absorb what he just asked. "Rust, sir" he prompted me. "R U S T. What is rust?"

***

"Sir, I wasn't able to take the exam last meeting." a student asked in class.

"Why?"

"I had two exams that day, sir."

"You had another exam on the same schedule?"

The student fidgeted. "On the same day, sir. I had another exam earlier."

"And so?"

"I wasn't able to study for your exam..."

A feeling of unreality swept over me. "That is not a valid excuse," I said calmly, although I felt the blood rushing to my head.

***

"Class, calm down!"

I almost had to shout as my freshmen students stood up, whooped, and cheered just because they answered a quiz item correctly. In the beginning I found it amusing, since it showed how interested they were in the subject, but as it went on and on and on it started to grate.

"Now let's move on to the next item," I tried to say but one of my students has just stood up and walked across the room to playfully clout one of his classmates on the head.

I had to laugh with the rest of the class because I knew being angry won't solve anything. I was smiling, but inside I was reminding myself that I wasn't teaching in high school. And as I turned my back to them to write something on the board, the classroom cacophony shouted to my ears how far I have fallen.

***

We were having a few minutes break in one of my more mature classes, and we were talking about the recent haircut policy being implemented by the school. I couldn't stop myself from sharing my students' outrage but I still had to control myself from lambasting the futility of such silly policies. In fact, to keep myself on the safe side, I had to keep reminding them that I was merely expressing my opinions. I thought of how, in UP, silly policies can be flayed by anyone and no one will try to hush them down if they were reasonable. In the A****** classroom, I cannot talk about homosexuality. I cannot talk about religious criticism. I cannot talk about my life, in general. I cannot even add them in Facebook because I am not certain how the A****** authorities will react if word gets around of my... activities.

"Sir, why don't you accept our Facebook invitations?" my friendly student asked.

And as my mind raced to find an acceptable excuse, I felt A******'s gray walls cloak me in a cloth so thick that it tries to erase my own personality.

"Before you leave, class, let's have your umm... closing prayer."

I bowed my head with the rest of the class not because I was praying, but because I was ashamed of how far I have fallen.

Good for Sex, Good for Nothing

I was holding our tickets as we strode towards the cinema. The woman collecting the tickets was looking at us as you reached for them in my hand. And as your hand touched mine, for a moment, I felt your fingers slide through mine.

A few minutes in and your head was already on my shoulder. I thought of the countless times I've had strangers leaning on my bony excuse for a shoulder. I thought of where they are now. I thought of the many months I've been alone without a boyfriend. And that made me decide to relish that moment. How I wished I had a bulkier body so at least my shoulder can give comfort both in a physical and an emotional way.

For the second time, I saw Harry's end unfold before my eyes. And as I feasted on my childhood hero's final scenes, your hands feasted on my body. I thought of how ludicrous that was, yet there you were, caressing my hands.

Your hands traveled to my arms and to my neck. They traveled to my chest and my tummy. You slid on your seat so you can reach for the legs of my pants. You slid your hand in and felt my leg muscles. Other times, I might have found that infinitely more enjoyable. But Harry Potter was fighting for his life out there, and I thought this was supposed to be a serious date. You knew how to make me feel desired, that was true, but you also made me feel like a slab of meat, and you're the chef, selecting which parts of me were worthy enough to cook.

You did the same for my hand and placed through your pants and on your thighs. I tried to slid my hand higher but I couldn't reach any farther, so I satisfied myself with drawing lazy circles on your skin. You said that my hands were warm.

You placed your hands on my neck and traversed my stubbly jawline. Then your fingers settled on my lips and lingered there, as if willing them to open. You took a hold on my face and pulled it closer to yours. I panicked. I refused. It was too public.

You placed my hands on your neck, then you made me massage your forehead. I held your face as tenderly as I knew how, and then suddenly, your face was much too close for us not to kiss. Your hunger was apparent. I whispered that there were people behind us. You did not care. The first time, I refused. The second time, I swooped down on you and landed my lips on yours.

Then I felt your tongue attempting to penetrate my mouth and I had to unlock our lips. It could have been so hot if we went on but something kept bugging me. I knew something wasn't right. I really thought it was a serious date.

But what I told you instead was that there were too many people around. You did not believe me. You said I just did not want to kiss you.

We stood up before the credits rolled in, and you hurried outside the cinema. I had to walk at a faster pace just to keep up. "Where next?" you kept asking. I suggested that you need to have some dinner first but you ignored that. All you said was "Where do we go next?"

It was your impatience that kept bugging me off. Even when we were just talking on the phone, you kept asking me "What next? Say something. What next? Bry. Bry. Bry!" and it was all I could do not to snap at you then and there.

I asked you why you asked for my number in that extravagant yet impressive manner and you said you were looking for something more serious. I made it a point to make you aware that I wasn't looking for any (more) fuckbuddies and I thought you understood. I did not see you for sex.

We planned the date the night before. And even though I was vexed at you for leaving me to arrange the whole date when it was you who invited me, you were sweet enough to ask, "What if I don't want to let you go home?"

We were nearing the mall exit when you asked, "Are you going home?" and I said "Yep!" with perhaps, much more enthusiasm than I originally intended. And you rushed out of the doors as if you were that eager to get rid of me.

The next thing I knew, you were leading me to the bus stop. I didn't really want to go just yet. It was still early and we haven't even had a real conversation.

"Why can't we stop for a bit and just talk?" I asked.

"Where? Where do we go next?"

"I don't know. You're the one who should know this place better."

You said nothing and kept looking at the buses.

"Do you really want me to go now?" I asked.

"I have a headache."

"Okay. I'll cross the street."

"I'll go with you."

But you did not. When the stoplights turned red, you let me cross the street on my own. For goodbye, all you said was "Hey, thanks for coming. Text me when you get home."

And I didn't.

And now you're gone.

And I feel bad because you make me feel that I'm not good enough to be your boyfriend. I'm not good enough for you to try harder.

You thought I was just good for sex. And when I refused, then I was good for nothing.