Spirits

I dont like being drunk anymore!

The night of the Lantern Parade, after watching Miss Engg, Kenneth (LE's friend) invited me and LE to a drink at Drews. I did not say no. It was quite some time already since I last got drunk (less than a week).

There we drank and we drank and got tipsy and tipsier and crazy and crazier and craziest! I found myself puking at a bucket outside the restroom. LE was laughing at me as if she wasnt drunk too. Then on Reggie's car on our way home, I puked again. It was really embarrassing! I excused myself for the smell. They had to open the windows...

When I got back at the boarding house, I was still drunk. I even forgot to brush my teeth and all that. At least I managed to change my clothes (I got some vomit on my pants yuck). I kept tossing and turning on my bed. I was mumbling, they said. And I threw things. Well, I was really drunk!

I was scared when I woke up. I thought Id land on some other room. I remembered that I had this urge to get some that night. I think I even half-stood up on my way out of the room. I was lucky my dizziness saved me. I dont like to think of what might have happened. Scary.

Here's another story.

Yesterday, Lori and I went to SM North to buy some gifts. It was actually not my plkan to buy some gifts for my family. My plan was not to spend much this Christmas because I want to save for a new fone. But then it is Christmas. And I realized that if I cannot make myself happy on my own, maybe Id just make other people happier.

Perhaps it will be nice to see my parents open the gifts I made them. Its the first Christmas of me earning dough. I want them to be happy. Shit I am such a SISSY! Why am I still a good person even if I dont believe in God? I forgot to buy a gift for my pet cat though.

Dont want to talk about this anymore! Bye!

Fine Fine

After two days, I am still not over losing my fone. All I can say is -- shit. But I have to accept it.

This morning I accompanied LE at LTO to get her student driver's license. And along the way, I was talking about that same topic about you-know-who. I am really quite miserable since I lost my fone (I cant help help thinking about what a big loss it was) so I thought I better talk about some things which should make me happier. And so I landed on that topic.

In a way, it was pathetic. I mean, I have said that it was all over and all those... but BUT BUT I cant get it ALL off of my mind. I have nothing else to think about these days. Schools almost on vacation. No text messages for me. No more gimmicks for me. No booze or parties since I lost my fone. Nothing to think about! So there, I cant help thinking and talking about that.

It is sad, really. Sad. So much that I can cry. I am sad not because I was left behind. Im sad because Im still thinking about you-know-who. LE keeps on telling me that I am pathetic. I dont get angry. I get sad because it IS true...

Im not really hoping anymore. Its gone. Everything has been made clear. Im just nourishing that idea of 'what if'. I KNOW it isnt helping at all... but I cant help it. And as Ive said its the only thing that makes me happy now. But Im thinking of an impossible thing, so it will only hurt me more eventually. In the end, I will just get hurt more. Hurt more.

Sometimes I wonder why I am always so sad. Sad since October 4. "It wouldnt hurt so bad if it didnt feel so good." Is something wrong with me? I have a feeling I am overanalyzing things. Why do some people - some with heavier problems than I have - dont blog like I do? Are you all safe and snug inside your own persons? Dont you have issues you want to talk about? Dont you have these kind of pains and sufferings? How do you handle them? Am I the only one like this? Am I not right in the head?

Anyway, back to what happened this morning. When we were on our way back to UP, LE told me something about letting people go if you really love them. I was quiet for some time after she said that. Dont I love you-know-who that much? Cant I let go?

I had a sudden image of myself holding you-know-who and letting go. Letting go for good. I imagined you-know-who looking back at me, looking happier, and walking away out of my sight forever. Forever indeed. I can do that, but it will hurt me loads.

Perhaps I really need to let go. But do I have to let go now? Now when I have lost most of the things which make me happy these days? (There are some other things I lost which I did not mention here in my blog.) At this low point in my life?

It gets hard, sometimes... I do wish that Joy was still at the boarding house. I need someone to talk to. I need a shoulder to cry on. I really need to accept to myself that you-know-who is really gone. And that things are better as they are at present.

Really? This is better? I could have been SO happy with you-know-who. So happy. I have so much love to give! So much! And its all going to waste! Guys, you dont know how deep I can love. When I really love someone I can go to all lengths just to show it. All this nice feeling inside me going to the drain. Going to the drain when its draining me empty too.

This miserable state I am in now is better? Shit! This is shit! But I have to accept these things. I have to accept that I lost my fone - my favorite thing in the world - to someone evil. I lost it without a fight. Without it lasting for a month. All the memories I have attached to it. All gone! Gone!

I have to accept that you-know-who can never be with me. I have to give up. Give it all up. Give my dreaming up. It is over. No more contacts. Not even friendship. Nothing! Nothing left of us. Not even memories. All is to be forgotten.

I cant take this. This is too hard for me.

(After a few minutes..)

I lost the momentum. I was talking about..? Oh that. Okay then I will try to accept my losses. Geez I was talking about this serious shit again. Fine fine. I will try to be fine. Check out this song...

you are an obsession i cannot sleep
i am a posession that you feed
theres no balance no equality
but still i will not except defeat

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way, and i will have you
like a butterfly, a wild butterfly

i will collect you and capture you
you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

i feed you i drink you my day and my night
i need you i need you by sun or candlelight
you protest, you wanna leavelike a butterfly oh a butterfly
i will collect you and capture you
stay oh theres no alternative

love is a bit of skin
i see the beauty there
but i see danger, stranger beware
a circumstance in your naked dreams
you reflection is not what it seems

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

my fantasy has turned to madness
and all my goodness has turned to badness
my need to possess you has consumed my soul
my life is trembling i have no control

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way and i will have you
like a butterfly a wild butterfly
i will collect you and capture you

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me

Helping You Out

Hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! I lost my fone again at that blasted hotspot of infernal snatchers- Philcoa. Putang ina! Wala pang isang buwan ang motorokr fone ko sakn! Leche! Putang ina nila! Bastards! It wont be easy to make ipon another 17thou for that! At best I will be able to buy the same fone next Feb pa! Mga hayop!

Shit. I will be out of the map again for a while this holiday season. No more gimiks for me! Time to make ipon a lot of bucks! Lecheng mga snatchers! NO parties, NO gifts to give for me muna. Just when I thought I really had something I like! Kukunin pa sakn?! PUTANG INA NILA!

Lecheng buhay to. My new fone is one of the few things that makes me smile these days tapos... Waaaaah! Lagi nalang akong nawawalan...

Sigh. I guess I can do nothing about it but accept it. Sana lang mapunta sa poor family ung money na makukuha ng hayop na snatcher na un.. or sa family ni Maxi.

At least hindi na lang ako nasaktan. And besides I dont think I deserve that fone. i mean, Ive told you that Im basiucally wasting my money on booze and parties.

Ive been so bad lately, perhaps it was payback time.. Dont I deserve to be happy once in a while God? See Im blaming things on God now. Perhaps I just shouldnt believe in him na lang. Ill only blame him for bad things that happen to me.

A good turn, whoever is directing my life. Take them away frome me. Shux ang drama.. It was no big deal actually. Not as big as losing people I care for. If it was meant to happen, it will happen. I need to learn to value the money I earn.

Well, life has a funny, funny way of helping you out... helping you out.

On My Bed

There is this person I know. His name is Bryan. Or Bry, as he is called now. He was a particularly curious boy. Because he himself believes that he is particularly curious.

He thinks he is always sad, this boy. I dont really believe that. Especially lately when hes going out with his friends very often. Hes having fun! Its just that he focuses more on his failures than on his achievements. He has sort of taken for granted all that he has gained. And he does not easily accept things that he lost. He knows how to handle victory. But failures?

Let me tell you this story. There was this mouse. A small gray one who fell in love with a cat. He thought that the cat has the most lovely eyes - like jewels on a starry night. He knows that it is wrong to fall in love with a cat. Cats go with cats. Mice go with mice. But can he stop it? Can he stop how he feels? His mice friends told him to think carefully. He decided hed better risk it. He wasnt able to think about nothing but the cat the past few days.

So then the night came when he had to tell the cat about how he feels. The cat looked at him angrily. He explained everything - how it started, what was happening to him lately. The cat took a very long time to give a reply. And then, the cat just ate him.

And so there he is, inside the cat's stomach. Suffering, because, you know, he had to squeeze inside the cat's slimy esophagus, and be bathed in stomach acid. But you know what, he was happy then. Even if he will die in a few moments inside the cats tummy. Because, he said, that he has never been closer to the cat's heart before.

He could feel it beating, the cat's heart, somewhere to his left. Or right. He was becoming less aware of direction. The pain was just overwhelming, but he was happy.  It wasnt beating for him though, he knew. He knew, but it was enough to have felt it at least.

That was how deep his love for the cat was. No matter how he has been punctured by the cats teeth, how his bones were cracked by its jaws. How much he bled. How much he was deliberately hurt. How much he was ignored. How he is suffering right now, he still loves the cat.

Foolish mouse! His friends said, after hearing the news that he was eaten by the cat he loved. Foolish foolish foolish!

He has thought about that, the mouse. He thought how inferior the cat was in comparison to him. He has thought about that. But it did not matter.

Foolish mouse! His friends wailed. He hardly even knew that cat! Foolish foolish foolish!

He has thought about that, too, the mouse. He thought how he barely knew the cat and yet he has developed feelings as deep as his. He asked himself why. Could it be just the cat's eyes that he liked? He wasnt sure. So what if he barely knew the cat? It did not matter.

Foolish mouse! His friends cried. He fell in love with a cat! A cat! A CAT!Foolish foolish foolish!

He has thought about that, too, the mouse. Falling in love with a cat. He knows the risks. He knows. And yet did it matter to him that he fell in love for a cat? A mouse falling in love with a cat? No. It did not matter.

What was important for him was the feeling. It was the love he could have given. He thought how happy he would have been if the cat liked him too. He thought of how he could endure everyone's gossiping. How he could endure being hurt, just to be with the cat. It was the love he could have given. The love which went to waste. Which went to nothing.

He died inside the cat's stomach thinking about these things. Did it matter to him then that the cat reciprocate his feelings? No. What was more important was that he has shown how he felt. He loved, even if he was not loved back. He loved. Thats it. Thats what matters.

And that was a part of his story. And how is the mouse now? Dead of course. A part of the cat. A part of the cat's poop.

How is Bry now? A part of the cat's poop!

Ahahaha! This is all shit anyway! If I were to see that cat? Id step on it! Id slash its body open! I will hold it by its tail and smash its head to bits on the ground. Ill take its brain, squeeze it in my hand and throw it everywhere! I will take its heart. The heart it denied me. I will eat it! Crush it with my teeth. And spit it out! Spit it out! Hahahaha!

You think I will let myself lose? Hahaha! I do not take failures too easily. Poor you. I will haunt you! Hahaha!

Veritaserum

It is weird. I think I am a chicken after all. No, I havent watched "Chicken Little", and I never will. I just realized that I went on boasting how brave I was about killing myself, and not believing in God, and yet I cannot face that person.

How chicken shit is that? I am not going into that phase anymore. Sometimes I just have to put some more guts into me. Messing up relationships has always been a bad thing to me. But now I wont. Sometimes, you just have fun. You fool around.

You made a fool of yourself? Laugh at it! Make believe that you meant to look that way all along. Somebody hurt you bad? Laugh at it! Why will you be affected by that pathetic person? Laugh and tell yourself that they dont know what theyre missing, leaving you like that. Do you need them more than they need you? Of course not! You are an independent being. You dont lean on anybody, they lean on you. You are the best, the greatest, and losing you was the worst mistake they ever made!

Ha! Who was I kidding? I am not this person. I am honest with what I feel. If I feel hurt, I write that Im hurt. If I feel shit, I give you shit. If Im pathetic, I tell you Im pathetic. Do I need to pretend? That sucks! I am not ashamed of what I feel, thats how I am! I mean, if people dont believe in what you feel anymore, will you do the same to yourself too? I am the only one Ive really got and I will not desert myself. If I feel stupid shitty feelings, I help myself let go of them. I dont reprimand myself. I wont pretend that theyre not there and try to live another life.

Some people may say that that is the way to get over some things. Maybe true for some cases, but not with this. I believe that I will get over this without pretending and fooling myself. Without ignoring what I really feel. Just let it out. Dont hide it. And I think I am feeling better. Not perfectly okay though, to be HONEST. Sometimes I wonder whether I would return to normal again. Hey Im referring to this one issue, okay? I am normal in other aspects (in fact better in some). Hehe. Here goes my big head again.

You know one good thing about all my blogging is that I learn while I blog. When I sit in front of the computer, I do not know all that I will write. I just go on typing. Sometimes I get an idea. Most of the time though, when I want to blog, i just blog. And I usually end up my entries nicely-suited to my initial intentions.

Yes, I learn while I blog. Its just like talking to somebody when youre trying to find a solution to your problem. But unlike mere chatting, you organize your thoughts when you write. And you wont be distracted. Also, you get all your ideas from yourself. It gives you a good feeling when you realize that all along you have the answers to your hells within you. You just have to distill them.

Almost Crazy Fantastically

I can never trust myself. Sometimes, I turn out to be this fantastic liar. Why? Its because I keep saying things that I eventually contradict in the end. For instance, I have said in this blog that I am okay. (Remember "Resurgam"?) But I disproved that with "Escape". I do not want to be judged a liar. And I did not really lie in "Resurgam". Back then, I thought I was okay. That was the truth, then. It was not the truth in "Escape". I hate myself in that manner.

Do you think I am foolish? Yes perhaps. Why is it taking me such a long time to recover? In fact, I was about to write in this blog about me being quite okay now, but then, I saw this something, and now it appears that I would be writing about me being not okay after all. Silly. I have never been this inconsistent. With my heart.

What would it take for me to truly escape? Or perhaps I am just rushing things? You, how long did it take you? Here are some of my thoughts on my quest for finding out why this is happening to me. It could be because of the person, the experience, or my ego. Or it could be two of them, or all of them.

Lets analyze one - the person. Hmm.. Hmm.. Thinking about it gives me jitters inside. Lets say I am in front of that person right now. What would I say? I was actually preparing for that moment when I was riding at the Ikot jeep a while ago. You can never know who you will meet.. No. I would probably ignore it.  When I am in the right mood, I could be as cool as hell. There were times that I raise my chin so high that if I bumped into that person right then.. I will come out in my best. But there are times (like now) when I would rather not. I would probably do my best to avoid the encounter. What is happening to me? Fuck me! Why am I like this? I feel like I am really in need of a memory modification. Or perhaps I could just kill myself.

I have seriously considered killing myself a lot of times before. I think its cool. Killing ourself. It just shows that you are the master of your own life. A fast car does not hold the end of your life, neither does your enemy. Or bacteria or viruses. I think that is, in a way, deprecating.  Bacteria killed you. Those almost brainless simple creatures. No. Im sorry if I offended some people. But really, Id rather kill myself than be killed by anything else.

What would happen when I kill myself? Id try to tell you how it feels. Id find out a way. A bloody way. I dont want to die through an overdose of pills. Thats a  chicken-hearted way of dying. Id have it all messy, all painful. I want to feel my own life's worth. No sleep. Id feel every second of my remaining  life. How Id love that!

And I dont want to die without causing a commotion. Ill engrave it inside people's minds - the manner of my death. I dont want to be easily forgotten. I want to be the one told in ghost stories - how this seemingly cheerful and content boy, no, man, died so horribly, and how he left his farewell message in his friendster blog. That is terrific!

It is weird but I am actually feeling excited about killing myself. I really am! Believe it or not, i have that anxious feeling in your stomach right now. Like when youre in a contest and the winners are about to be announced. That feeling. It IS weird.

Okay, lets take both sides. Lets find reasons why I shouldnt kill myself. First, I will be missed by those who love me. Will I? Yeah, probably. But if they really love me, they would understand and let me be. Theyd say, "Oh, he wanted to kill himself. We let him do what he wants." There, those are my friends! They cry for themselves but not for me, since I did what I wanted to do. Dont worry I wont leave this world without leaving some notes to you. That would probably take a long time - writing to every one of you. Perhaps Ill just make a general-sort-of letter. And Ill just write your names there. Aint I nice?

What about my family? There, thats the catch. Id probably hurt my mom by killing myself. That I can never do. Perhaps if she dies ahead of me, I will probably follow her death very very very very soon. A matter of weeks, perhaps? Ah here's an idea! Id be the worst son there'd be! So she wont miss me when I finally go. Or perhaps I will kill myself when Im already out of touch with them. When Im abroad, so they wont know until its too late. No, my mom loves me more than all of these. No matter what I do.. Hmm.. Ill have to find a way to get around that before I decide to kill myself.

Hush, dont worry, though. Perhaps when I am drunk, I wont remember my mom, and then I could go on and kill myself! Thatd be great! Or perhaps when I am in a low state - so low that Im almost crazy I wont remember anything, even my mom. But I have to remember to kill myself in a fantastic manner. That I should not forget. Perhaps I should have it tatooed on my arm or something - "Hey Bry, die fantastically!"

I dont want to discuss the other two points I have picked out way above anymore. No, I just want to talk about death. Death, yes, death! Hell's glare! Finally!

Im an agnostic. I dont really care where I go to when I die. If I go to hell, and suffer there, then Id suffer. Dyou think Id cry out? NO. It was my decision that led me there, and Ill stand by it. Sometimes, I believe that those who believe in God are chickens. Some of them. Those who just want assurance that when they die, theyd be in this "better" place. Those who cant fight demons on their own. I dont believe in demons either, thats part of my being agnostic. Sometimes, it takes guts to be an agnostic. Because being one will mean losing your pretty little guardian angel. You are all alone in this world, dumb ass. Cant you see that?

Hey, perhaps that was a bit too hot. I was just carried away. Anyhow, death death what more to say? I want to feel hell, feel pain inside me. Masochistic. Its because I have this shitty feeling inside me still (how many fucking times have I said that?). I am so FUCKING TIRED about having no other topic to talk about here. I am SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED! What does it take? Tell me!! What does it take to forget??! Ive drank all the alcohol I could and still I cant let this out. I need more! More! Its just not enough.. I am trying to forget and still I end up here. I am so damn weak.. What does it take? How can I forget all this, fuck YOU!!!

Sigh. Writing here helps though. Right now, I feel a little bit tired. Like the tired feeling you get from bashing things when youre mad. That kind of tiredness. A tiredness that wants to make you feel relaxed.. Like you just want to close your eyes for a while, lie down, and not think of anything. Turning away from people for a while because they can never really fully understand you. Especially me. I am more complicated than a normal person. Really.

I actually considered trying to tell you something. But I have lost my momentum. And besides, if you just read carefully all my entries here. If you think, if you put pieces together and has a good hold of grammar, you will know by now what I am talking about, and so I dont need to write it out here. If you are not smart enough to figure it out, then perhaps, it is best for you not to know for now. It really isnt that big a deal, and if I still have enough writing momentum, I could easily type it here.  But as Ive said, Im quite tired now.. I will tell you what you want to know. One thing at a time though. One thing at a time.

War

I went home to my parents' yesterday. And I just left a few hours ago. It was weird. I was reluctant to go. because, perhaps, I still did not want to be in my own element. When I am at the boarding house, especially now that Joy has left, I feel.. solitary?

I will feel Joy's absence more in the few days to come. Who will I talk to now? I think Id be spending more time with my cigs up at the rooftop.

Perhaps I wanted to stay home because of my mom. Or my pet baby. I didnt get to spend more time with my family. I arrived home from the party 6am. I slept, woke up at noon. Played my PS, rocked the house with music from the Sugababes. After eating dinner, I left. It was funny how I thought I was more comfortable living on my own before. Well, things were different then. I had a reason to go back to the boarding house to.

I am still not feeling okay. I am tolerably fine, but I dont feel like jumping. I am not leaking with tears. I dont want to be back in my own element. It will only set me to thinking about things past. About the two paths I used to tread and explore.

About the left path, I have nothing more to say except explanations. Nothing more will happen there. Thinking about it is painful. Like scraping my insides with something sharp. When I think of it more, I hurt myself more. I still cannot get over it because things were not fully explained for  me to be able to close the book and move on.

At last night's party, I had the opportunity to talk about it with a friend. Her conclusions matched those of my other friend's. Their explanation was reasonable, and if proven true, will probably lessen the pain by making me happier. They said that the left path did consider opening itself to me, and was surprised that it did consider, and so tried to run away from all of it by leaving me behind. It sounds egocentric, I agree, but possible. I dont really want to consider it anymore. I dont want to try lighting another flame on that stubbornly wet wood. It is over. OVER! I have to hear it from myself. It is OVER! Not even friends, everything about that is OVER. FORGET ABOUT IT!

I consider myself pathetic. Telling you about that stupid possible explanation. Sometimes, it is just hard for me to accept that I failed. That I messed up. That I did not think of things well. In fact, I do not really believe that I failed. Hahaha. I believe I still made something happen there, on the left path.. Here's something..

"cant you understand? didnt you think what the effect on me would be by your negative reaction (the negative feeling you have for me now)? i am not talking about you rejecting me. i have passed through that a long time ago. it was our friendship i cared for!

"now if you feel that you want to be disconnected from me, just say it! just tell me that i have destroyed our friendship because i made the mistake of being in love. just say that all the memories we all have had can all go to hell because the one who made it all possible has fallen in love with the wrong person. i need you to say it straight! dont do it like what you did. dont lie to me. saying that it wasnt a big deal to you, and yet proving the contrary with your reply."

Enough about that. It makes me feel sick. I dont want to explain the bit of correspondence above. I think that it sums up the things which have happened. That is why I included it here.

Now on the other path... the right path. What has been happening? Confusion. On the part of the path. On my part.. expectation. It gets terribly hard sometimes. This waiting. Especially when the subjects involved are in front of you. And you get the thought that all except you will be okay. And perhaps a memory loss (or modification) has happened..

It does make me suffer, watching things happen before I close my eyes..  But if its the best thing for the path, then what can I do?  I would let it be. All I need is a word to stop waiting - if I really am to stop waiting. But if there is still hope, I will hang on. No matter how painful it is for the both of us. But for now, it will be enough that the path will be made aware that there are effects to its actions.. Often undesirable in my part.  But no complaints. I have to bear it.

I am afraid that I will end up losing the right path, too. A sarcastic but fitting ending to my previous actions.

Life has never been this complicated. Before, I used to worry about school stuff. Org stuff. Money. Sometimes, domestic problems. Now.. I get to think about these. Relationships. The game of love. Hitting and missing. Meeting emotions at the same time. Knowing what is right and what is wrong. About losing your face. About nights under stars, thinking, with my smokes. Or sometimes with the srars themeselves. Just talking with them. About losing sleep for unknowable reasons. Knowing myself and how it brought me nowhere. Being honest and how it brought me nowhere.

But not everything has been bad. My friends are there. Now. In fact, I am not alone in fighting this war. They are with me. Encouraging me. I am not saying this just because it sounds nice to place in here. They ARE with me. Even those who do not know the whole story. I am fighting this war against despair, not alone, but with my friends, my pet cat Baby, with my mom (even if she does not know it), and with Gwen Stefani and the rest of her colleagues in music. We are fighting this bad feeling inside of me. Victory is not in sight yet, but it will come. I know it will!I cant wait to win, its been so long..  but for now, I will have to go on fighting. Fire! Fire away (in my blog) and be careful of being hit (in my heart).

The Sweetest Fun

The effect of writing too late is that you lose the emotion. How can I write well about something which has happened yesterday?

I have escaped. Forced to escape better. Left behind. I dont matter. It is hard to know that after all that you have done, you just dont matter enough to keep. Why are some people like that?

Last night when I arrived at the boarding house.. I went straight to my bed. I lay down. And cried while listening to Back For More. I was not saying goodbye to <runner>, I was saying goodbye to memories. After all, no matter how silly the reason, <runner> was still a part of my life..

Oh those memories.. Those days. Theyre gone. Taken from me. Never will they happen again. They dont matter to <runner>. No. They dont matter. <Runner> wants to leave them behind. Leave me behind. When Ive done nothing wrong but.. be myself.

I just didnt want to lose another person in my life again. But it has to happen again! I had to suffer again! You might not deserve it but.. Im.. I..

I hate myself when I sound mushy about that fucking <toot!>. I really do not feel anything of the sort! (yeah?) Yeah.

Anyway, I cried that night. I havent cried like that in months. Fortunately, I was the only one at the boarding house. While I was crying, I was looking for this person. Someone whom I wanted to hug, someone who's shoulder I want to cry to - my mom. Yeah.. I am not going to deny that I would have liked her to be there. Even if she is unaware of the things which have happened to me, I knew that she would understand. Even if were not that close.. I was just so hurt...

This entry sounds fragmented. Because.. I am still.. I dont know. Not ok? Maybe. Confused why I am so affected.. When nothing happened? Why did <runner> react that way?

Hey Mom
Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go
Out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn't you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They're like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they're bad for me
But I just can't leave 'em alone

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good

Hey Mom
Since we're talking
What was it like when you were young
Has the world changed
Or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun

Escape

Some people just do nothing but make you feel bad. Sometimes you think you have convinced yourself that you have moved on and yet you still have this ill feeling inside you.

I dont like it when I am this way. I know it is stupid, pathetic, baseless, and yet why? Why do I have all this inside of me again? Some people just leave nothing but bad memories behind. Even if it started as a harmless and pure relationship.

And yet they are memories still. How can I forget talking with LE about our plans, our made up stories, our interpretations? No matter how silly it all was, it still WAS a part of my life. No matter how I try to leave it behind, the next thing I know, something stirs it up again. I hate it! It IS stupid, weak, FOOLISH. I know all that, and again, the interminable question, WHY?!

Here's a tip for you: Dont fly too high because it hurts more when you fall. But do I really mean it? Is the dreadful feeling I have now worth the excitement and smiles I had? No matter how it hurt, how it shamed me to the bone, how it made me do things I never EVER would have considered in any other circumstance, it was still worth it. It was worth all the good mornings I had. It was worth all the momentary hopeful wishes I made. It was worth all the craziness I have and have not done.

No regrets. It still hurts but.. no regrets. Thats the way to live my life. Who knows? Maybe I wont ever feel that way again. Maybe it was my only chance. Maybe its the path I was destined to follow. So I took it. I made a mistake... I thought. I was hurt because I did not think... I thought. I thought wrong.

It was all meant to happen. If it did not come now, when will I learn? When I am too old? When it is too late? In a way, I am still grateful that things happen to me. Even if it felt bad. At least, I am not that inexperienced as some people I know. I can say, with my chin up, that I have been there. That I passed through hell's glare, singed, but changed for the better. My heart was ripped apart, stepped on, left out in the cold totally neglected. No matter. I am not an eyeless slug hiding under a rock. Knowing nothing about the world.

You may say that "Oh, he's got it all figured out na naman. He'll be ok." Really? Knowing what is wrong is one thing, solving it is another. But I cant blame myself if Im here again. I mean, I am not really doing anything active about this. Im letting it pass by. If it came again, what can I do? Stop it? Ignore it? I let it out. I cough it all out. I dont want it inside me. I dont need you anymore. If you're reading this, there - I dont need you anymore.

Sounds like Im bitter? I feel bitter, yes, but it is true that I dont need you anymore. if you turned out to be like that, then I wasted all my emotions on you. I know you would love to hear that.

And yet... Sometimes I feel like doing what you did when you saw me. Ignore, walk away, hasten your steps, and run. Run! Run like your running for your life! Run like Im a monster. I want to run! I want to get away from this. I want to know how it feels to escape and free myself of... you.

God, I really want to!

Paths

I missed writing here. I would have written a lot if I wasn't so busy with the enrollment and all my duties at IC.

I already know my new workload. I will be teaching 2 chem 16 classes (hurray!), 1 chem 28.1 class (...mpf), and (surprise!) 2 chem 125 classes. It was really a bit flattering to be given that course to teach. I mean its chem ONE25, higher chem.. for majors! And I was given that already on my second sem of teaching! Maam Llorente chose me because she overheard me saying that I wanted to teach chem 125. By the way, for those who do not know, Chem 125 is Basic Electronics for Chemical Instrumentation.. so I will be handling those resistors, diodes, etc.

Im actually a bit apprehensive about teaching it because chem 125 has never been my forte (because it really isnt chem at all!). But Im not that bad at it. In fact, I was one of those who always constructs the given circuits properly. (Yeah, honestly, 6 lang students sa classes ng 125 lab di ba?) The subject was nice pa nga sometimes, but I really am not into the theoretical stuff. And what's more, I'll be teaching my orgmates at chemsoc. The good thing about that is that at least, when they ask me something I dont know, I can always make a joke about it... Hehehe (nervous laugh)

Enough about that. What else to say? Oh yeah, about the movie, Cry Wolf. That was the best movie I have seen this year.. Because it made me think and I wasnt able to guess the outcome. (The trailer was part of the "lying" theme of the movie.) I actually tried to do the same ("manipulate your friends, eliminate your enemies") the day after watching it. Unfortunately, the plan backfired, and me and my accomplice were left for worse. It wasnt really that bad an outcome but not good all the same - "uncomfortable" may be the correct word. I just wanted to get back at those gossiping idiots! I actually did, without them knowing they were fooled, but they still believed the LIE was true. How gullible and foolish.

You deserve it, because you are always gossiping about ME! It is really irritating how you guys look at me and think you know the whole truth. Cant you accept that your view is biased? Claiming to be chemists and yet not really practicing what you should have learned. Fools! Drawing to conclusions! Just because you know a part of the story does not mean the rest will be like what you think it is. I really dont care whether you lie and smile to my face and curse me behind my back. It just shows how low you all are! If I tell you everything I know perhaps you will just melt to the floor with shame! But I wont do that. I dont want to humiliate you further than I need to..

You MAY wonder why I am not so down as I were in my previous entries. If you think properly, you may be able to guess what really happened and what is happening to me. I am in a state where I was before but not really the same. In a better state than that, a state without confusions. Now I can see just one path ahead of me. It was actually the same path, the path I have left, the Right path. The Left path, which I chose, was empty, and it gave me all the heartaches I have written here. I will never make that mistake again. At the least (but more honestly), I will try harder not to. We can never really know what will happen in the end.

Enough said. Time will tell.

Always Come Back To You

I've got no time to give
Cause it's now or never
Cause the way I feel
It won't last forever
When you're at that point in life
It just has to be tonight

It's a long, long road
But I'll always come back to you
I don't know which way to turn
But I feel it's the right thing to do
There's too much for me to learn
But I'll always come back to you

I can't fast turn back
Are you in a prison
There's no turning back
There's no indecision
You were always there for me
Now it's your turn to be free

Cause we're a long way from home
But I'll always come back to you
I don't know which way to turn
But I feel it's the right thing to do
There's too much for me to learn
But I'll always came back to you

Sometimes you just have to leave it all behind you
Take a chance, just know you're not alone

It's a long, long road
But I'll always come back to you
I don't know which way to turn
But I feel it's the right thing to do
There's too much for me to learn
But I'll always come back to you
I'll always come back to you

Courage

It is common knowledge to those who know me that I wanted to be Harry Potter (and sometimes I make believe that I really am him). Ive been a fan since I was in high school, before the movies started. It was just that I found myself like Harry in many ways. He was skinny, with a messy mop of black hair, bespectacled, green-eyed (green is my favorite color), and abused by his cousin and uncle (I was too, by my dad and my bro before he went mad). It was rare for me to find someone I can relate to, especially in those times when everybody is waiting for me to grow up. It was the start of my obsession.

Unfortunately, magic is not real in the scientific world where I am now. It is quite confusing, making believe there is magic when scientific data proves there is and will never be such a thing. They are indeed opposite - phenomena you cannot explain through science is called supernatural or magical. I really do not believe in magic anymore. I am, like most of us, am growing old and starting to lose my imagination.

Besides physical appearances, there is one more thing which is common in both of us - the thirst to prove ourselves. And Harry did. He survived encounters with dark wizards and became the hero he never thought he could be. He found a home in the magical world, where many thinks he is special. I did, too. I proved that I can excel in many of the things I like. I simply had to let go of myself, and do what I want. I made things happen. I did not pass through events without making ripples if not waves. I made myself known. I made my mark.

Like Harry, could I have been sorted into Gryffindor?  I was in doubt about that for some time. Gryffindor needs courage - something I thought that I was lacking. I mean, I am peace-loving. I am not the bully. I dont pick fights with just everyone..

But I was wrong. Courage cannot be measured in that sense alone. We may not have monsters, or dark wizards in our world which we can fight, but we have our own problems. It is through those that we can show true courage.

For instance, just last month, I summoned all my courage to be able to tell someone about my feelings. It was very hard in the beginning. Something inside told me - No! Dont be a complete fool! Think! But I never listened to that voice. I told myself that if it is going to happen, I will make it happen. I will know the outcome NOW. The chance may never come again. I do not want to just sit watch, and let it pass by.

It was not easy though. That night was one of the most difficult times of my life. Like I was passing through this grinding machine all the hours when I was doing it. It feels the same as when you are facing a real monster (as if I would know). It did not turn out.. good. And that is the reason why I fell. It is puzzling that however you think you have prepared yourself for the worst, you are still not ready.

But I am proud of myself for doing that - showing how I feel. It may not seem like it was the best thing to do, in those circumstances. The good thing is, I ended it. I survived (not strictly correct - still surviving). It was true - what cant kill you makes you stronger.

And so, there. I have told you about how brave I was. Could you have done it in my place? Maybe. But it isnt as simple as it seems to be. It wasnt your typical scenario. Not at all.

I am happy about my decisions. And I think I will be making another big one soon. Before my birthday or on my birthday itself. I will show you how brave I can really be. Be ready. I hope I am.

The Colour of the Wheat Fields

It was then that the fox appeared.
"Good morning," said the fox.
"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.
"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."
"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."
"I am a fox," the fox said.
"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."
"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added:
"What does that mean -- 'tame'?"
"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"
"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean -- 'tame'?"
"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"
"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world...
"My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please--tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy all things ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of msunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near --
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the colour of the wheat fields."

From "The Little Prince"
by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Another Day

Today I woke just in time. It was 7am when I opened my eyes, put on my shirt, and jumped off Boi's bed.

I was early pa nga. I went first to the eating room since the seminar room was still closed. What did I learn today? In the morning, the Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs, Dr. Betsy Enriquez, showed us some information about the UP student -  how we (I'm still a student) are distributed per college, the gender distribution per college,  shifitng reasons, teacher complaints, STFAP distribution, disciplinary cases, dormitory data, etc. Do you know that the there are more female students in UP than males? The ratio is roughly 2:1. That is probably why the girls are so flirtatious, they have competition! The College of Engineering has the highest number of students, followed by CSSP, CAL, Educ, and CS. All colleges have a higher number of female students except for Engg, CHK, and another one which I forgot. Some are largely dominated by females (AIT, Educ, and CHE). By the way, did you know that having weight problems is one of the reasons for poor academic performance of some students? There was even one who said that his/her reason for shifting to other courses was - "lover, not the friendly type".

Then, the topic turned to student cheating - what to do in such cases. It was a really complicated topic and there was really no strict procedure to follow.

After that, we talked about the importance of the syllabus. How to make a proper one, and how it contributes to effective teaching. It was a really good thing to discuss. Unfortunately, I cannot just revise the Chem16 syllabus (which needs some revision). I have to raise the topic in a meeting, inform the heads, we have to talk and discuss, etc etc. At least, I am the lab coordinator so I have a little right to talk about these.

After lunch, we talked about objectives. As students, we usually dismiss the objectives in the syllabus. Probabaly because it is a bit boring to read and understand. It just was because it wasn't written properly. The objectives should have been the center of the course since it dictates what the students should learn and how they would do that. We were also taught not to use vague words like "to learn.." or "to do.." in writing objectives. We should use more active and specific words such as "to somersault.." or "to integrate.."

Anyway, I am becoming more and more like a typical teacher each day I attend the seminar. But one thing I promise you is that I will not change my style. I will always strive for magic, difference, coolness, and outrageousness. Of course, there is still the usual honor, professionalism, and all that educational jargon.

I was thinking whether I will still be like this, lets say, 5 years from now. I will be 25 by then.. I'd say I will still be the same. But how about after 10 years? Most probably, I will not be handling labs by then.. As you grow old, you lose the fun? No. I will find other ways to make my classes uniquely satisfying. Ako pa?

Haay I really cannot wait until this sem starts! Then , I will be too engrossed in my classes I would probably forget about this Blog. So now when I still have the time, I will get the most out of this. Too bad for you.. What will you be reading then?

Last night was not one of those nights (thank goodness) so I woke up refreshed and worry-free. No heartaches worth writing about today. Well, that's something new for you..

Moneyaches naman. SIgh. Ang tagal ng sweldo. Shit kailangan ko na mag-ipon.. How will I be able to buy a new fone? And my birthday is approaching.. less than 30 days to go. I would probably just be eating adobong sitaw or monggo on my birthday. Sigh. Dami kcng gastos. Im always at SM (at least 4 times a week). Grabe talaga.

I need to go now. I need to withdraw some money or else I won't be having any dinner tonight. I should have just gone straight home instead of spending my money here.. Haha. Nah.. no amount of money can replace the satisfaction (and release) I get when I Blog.. Except perhaps a million bucks? :)

My Day

I woke up late. I was supposed to be on time for this teaching effectiveness seminar. It should start at 8am and I woke up at 8:40! I did indeed set my borrowed fone to alarm at 7am, but no, my unconscious mind got the better of me. I somehow turned it off. Well, that always happens anyway.

I had a valid reason for waking late. It's not just out of plain tardiness. It was because I slept late.. It may have been already 4am when sleep closed in on me. I slept late for many reasons. First, I was reading. Second, I was listening to music. Third, I do not know if it was just my imagination but I think the double bed was rocking. I did not feel anything at all. Or did I? I am not going to tell you. Or maybe it was just me. The music I was listening to was not sleepy music.. some tracks were upbeat too. So my foot swings in time with the beat occasionally. Maybe it was just I.. Right, who am I kidding?

There, last night was.. another one of those nights. I really felt the need to go away from that cursed boarding house asap and.. BLOG. Yeah, I had no other outlet. There was no one I can talk to. No other way to divert my thoughts. I did lit up some sticks up at the rooftop. I thought in there.. and when I was about to light my last one, it.. fell. What luck! Well, that pissed me off a bit, (I know I can just easily buy another one, but still..) so off I went to an internet cafe. However, I was not able to post something worthy because I hated that place! It just wasn't conducive for writing.

Anyway, I was the only one left in the boarding house when I woke this morning (thank goodness.. I avoided some very awkward encounters!). I was as fast as lightning and arrived at the DILC past ten. It was a nice building, a new one. I was given a nametag by the guard, and she gave me an envelope containing things necessary for the seminar. They were already starting. There were a lot of teachers from Chem present, not just the new instructors - Dr. Amor and Dr. Quirit were there too. I was given a seat just beside the door of the room. They were talking about the qualities of a good and bad instructor. The presiding teacher showed these characteristics on a projector. I looked and I smiled because I have all the characteristics of a good instructor. Hehehe. Well, I do. There even was "a comedian in the class", and "sharing your life stories" in there. Until then, i was not sure whether telling jokes or my life stories were good or bad for an instructor. Wow.. I am simply the best. Hahaha. I was a good instructor without trying to be one. Of course, I haven't read a manual on how to be a good instructor, and older instructors did not tell us which was a good or bad thing to do in class. I was just me, and I was just GREAT. I was perfect.

Then, we had this discussion about mentoring. Being a mentor. If you do not know what a mentor is, here is a quote from our handouts: "Whomever we consider our mentor, that person did not just teach us how to read book, write paragraphs or solve math problems - he or she empowered us to deal with life." I would love to be my students' mentor. To have that position, to help them grow. It is one of the wonders why teaching is such a noble job. You are helping your students build their tomorrow. And when they do succeed in the end, you are prouder of them than they are of themselves.

In the afternoon, we watched a movie, "The Emperor's Club". Watch it. It was a good movie. About a teacher and his students. It touched me, (Shut up! I dont easily cry on movies you know) and I almost cried. Well, you see, i am just too passionate about my job. After watching it, there was a discussion. We were talking about how we should sometimes talk to students who we feel should be able to perform better in our classes. We should know why. Then, this teacher raised his hand and said that we cannot simply go inquire about each of our students lives since we had other things to do. He said that the salary isnt that big so we really have to make both ends meet. Where will we find the time to worry about these students? I found his view quite wrong and I raised my hand. I said that dedication to our job is quite a big factor in assessing these problems. I said that if you are really concerned about your students, you do not have to voluntarily spend time with each student. I said that when you sense something wrong about your student, you just do something about it. It just comes naturally! Simple dedication to your job, that's all there is! That is the key to effective teaching!

I went back to IC and guess who I saw as I was on my way out? The indescribable couple! I rode the Ikot and saw them going off another way. What happened? You know, I just felt the usual shit. Nothing new. I mean, I practically live with them, so what would seeing them just together, on their way somewhere, bring? The same usual serving of shit. I might have another serving tonight when I get back at the haunted house, I am not sure yet. So what happened was that I couldn't possibly go straight home in that condition. I detoured to SM to watch a movie. And my plan was to watch it until I rot. I looked at the list, and didn't like anything. "Into the Blue" was still showing. My options were Doom, Lava Girl, Dungeons, Dubai, and Lord of War. I was walking to and fro and I felt that I came to the mall to watch a movie anyway, so I should just choose and endure it. In the end, it was "Doom" that I watched.  As I thought, it came from a video game. The title was not appropriate to the story. I did not like it, but it took my mind off the shit for a while. As usual, watching alone opens a new set of options..

Anyway, after watching I went to Philcoa, and here I am, typing this Blog entry. I should really think about how much money I am spending just to post something in here. You may have noticed that I almost post one entry per day. Career 'no? It is because I have no other outlet. I have lost them. So I am left with technology as my helping hand. It doesn't give me anything back, it just provides me with something where I can vent off this steaming shit inside me. When things are more stable with me, I wouldn't post as often.

There, that was my day. What did you gain by reading this? Nothing really. Just an insight into my life. Anyway, I do not post blog entries for you. I post for me. When I want to write, I just write. And I write here because it is more convenient.

Lightning-Shaped Scar

I am in doubt whether I should still post my journal entries in here
They are all so full of sorrow that I dont think it will be very enjoyable to read
And besides only a select few will know what I am so sorrowful about
I am so tired.. of being like this
Why do I have to keep these things secret?
Why do I go on writing these things in here and yet not fully give it away - i should always leave some things in vagueness
I hint yet I dont always support my hints
I long for the time when I do not have to be this secretive
when I can be just ME
because there are so many things I would have liked to discuss in here if not for this "hiding"
Why do I always have to cope with you?
Why dont you try coping with me?
Fitting in in your world, try fitting in mine!

I long for the time when I do not have to look down on myself
havent I thought myself great?
that is still true
Great in comparison with other people
with my personal standards though, I am not up to scratch
But why should I base my standards on you?
Just because it has always been that way?
No..
Because that is the way it should be..

Now I am sad again
But a different sadness
Internal, and not triggered by other people
I am robbed
Of things I have a right to
Of things which make life really matter
Why does it have to be harder for me?
Why dont you have it?
Why dont you try it for a day, and see how frustrating things could be?
Why does it rob me of happiness I deserve?
Why does it have to be this way?
You, having fun, lying back - just enjoying life
Me, having fun, lying back - trying to enjoy this life I was meant to endure than to live
Why does it have to be harder for me?
Why do i have to carry this all my life?
I just want to have fun just like you, you know
I just want to enjoy living
I dont want to be in this state
I just want to be like you
And I cant
Thats what makes it worse
I cant!

Resurgam

Last night, I was on the brink again. I was so sad, that after some time I already felt numb. That is, it did not matter whether I was happy or sad. I just did not want to feel anything, and I can't.

But then, towards midnight, something came into me. A weird feeling. Like i have just awakened. (Look, I know all this sounds made up and cheesy, but it did happen you know!). You know who saved me? It's Gwen Stefani! Yeah! Funny?

I was listening to her album, and her songs were just too upbeat and crazy that you can't help but move with the music and skip a step and dance. Hehe. I am really glad I bought that album. Even if some of you might say that she sucks. I don't care. If I have bought another album, could it have cheered me up as well as she did last night? I played other songs in my collection too, and they are all helping me out of the blue I am in. There is always a song to suit the mood you are in.

Then, I read my students' messages on the board I had them write on during our last meeting. As I was reading all the thank you's and the good luck's and the smiles, it suddenly dawned on me that there was no reason for me to be sad at all. I mean, how many people get to be appreciated for doing what they like? Not even all Chem instructors get the thanks I received. I have such a wonderful life, and I cannot go on wasting it in isolation and dreariness. I had a wonderful sem, not a dreadful one, and it was one of the best (if not the best) period of my life.

I learned so much. So much from my falls. Learned so much from winning. It is true that "you win some, you lose some". If I compare what I have gained from what I have lost, the latter is really negligible. How many friends have I made? How many hearts have I touched? How many smiles and laughs have I put on my students' weary faces? How many memories have I instilled? How many Chem topics have I helped them learn? How many lives have I changed? (How many pesos have I earned? Hmmm.. very little...)

I have really done so many wonderful things in just a few months, I should be jumping like mad. Will you be able to do the things I have done? No! Everything was because of me! I had been wonderful! I had been GREAT! I am so happy that I am like this. I am so happy that I am not ordinary and square. I am so happy that I am not scared of dares and risks. I am not mediocre. I am GREAT! And I feel GREAT!

Hahaha. I hope I feel like this all the time. The truth is I really don't think I have completely moved on. Some things just need some time for you to get used to.. But I am sure that time will come soon. I am so GREAT (should be in all caps, hehe) that I am sure something GREAT is bound to happen to me sooner or later.

Sigh, I had been a fool.. Have you read my previous posts? Full of tears and bitterness. I am not ashamed of that. If I knew, you might have been in a more depressing state that I was, given the same circumstances.. It just goes to show that GREAT people like me have their falls too. Have their foolish moments too. But what makes them (me) really GREAT is that they don't give up that easily. When they fall, they rise again! Higher than ever! Better than ever! Stronger than ever! An even GREATER person than before!!

I really love my life. (Haven't I just said in my profile that my life is pathetic?) Hehehe. No matter how many emotional problems I am going through.. I still am ME and not everything about ME is bad and empty. I am just GREAT and you cannot deny that! Here I am, catch me! Not because I am falling but because I am jumping at you! Hahaha! I am BACK! I have risen AGAIN! I am GREAT!

Note to the Blogger from Friendster: The number of exclamation marks you have used for this Blog entry has exceeded the normal amount. Please control your emotions more carefully the next time you post an entry. Thank you.

Cough It All Out

I have lost so much this month. October.. Maybe that is why this month was almost falling off my made-up Harry Potter calendar. I keep pasting it back but it keeps falling off.. So much has changed. Somehow, I want to turn back time.. Wake me up when September ends because here comes October to give me a good beating..

I have never been happy since the Eleventh.. Why do I have to lose so much in such a short time? You realize I'm rambling, do you? Well, it is because I am just so sad that I can hardly organize my thoughts.

I miss my class most. I know.. Maybe it isn't normal for a teacher to be so attached. It is my fault.. I always look at their photo album everyday. And it makes me miss them more. I like to see how happy they were together. All smiles. Especially the last picture where they all jumped. I like that most.. There were three excess pages in there. I will be using those. I have already placed in there the receipt from the videoke and the skating rink. I've also placed the list of questions I made - the quiz I gave them.

One thing that makes me sad is that not everybody showed up on the Eleventh. It.. makes me.. uneasy. I have not said a proper goodbye to those who did not come. Too bad they do not realize how much they matter to me. Too bad I may not be able to see them again.. Too bad. I am just so sad.

Another loss is my fone. I am missing it so much because I have saved in there the most memorable text messages I have received. Memories lost.. Well, it was my fault I lost it. I was so engrossed, thinking about <never mind> that I did not notice where my fone has gone to. I guess it fell off my pockets.. It was a premonition, though. The date was October 4. 

I lost my ring too. Not lost, really.. gave it away. Yeah, there were times when I wish it back. The few days after October 4, I keep noticing its absence on my middle finger. But now, I do not notice anymore. There were times, especially on lonely nights, when I wanted to ask for it back. It was a good thing I did not give in. This is the best.. for her. I was about to type "for the both of us", but it isn't for me. Hell, I was just too hurt about losing <never mind> that I hardly thought about why I will be giving the ring back. The next thing I knew, everyone was drunk, releasing their sorrows.. except me. Getting drunk and not being able to let it all out. Because no one will understand. Everyone's attention was on the ring. Not on me. Not on me! Well , it was because the ring needs them more. Yeah take care of the ring, you do not know that I was hurt too, for a stupid reason, and that makes it hurt more! YOU do not know about me and my <fone>, and the times we had together! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MATTERS! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT TOO! ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT I WAS IN THE WRONG AGAIN!

Fool.. Here I am again. Why am I so passionate? I have given all in that night. Gathered up all my inner strength just to be able to know the outcome. I thought about it. I thought about my chances, I thought I have prepared myself. But I was wrong. I am still into the blue. I am not thinking about <never mind> anymore.. I am just feeling sad. Maybe it has something to do with me.. just being me. this person who you thought you knew. Sometimes, it just gets too.. hard.. to bear. Please help me..

I have lost count on how many times I have looked at my borrowed fone today. Just to check if I have messages.. None. No one remembers me anymore. No one has to say anything to me. I am not used to this disconnection. I just keep on telling myself that <you know who> is probably just helping me forget. And that, perhaps, is the best thing to do. But I am just too passionate. And I keep making a fool of myself.

I did not choose to feel this, though. Why did it have to happen to <never mind>? Why not to other people? Why do I have to have all this shitty feeling inside? I want to let it go. I want to.

Maybe it's time I return to the place where all my sorrows started.. Im coming back up to the rooftop. And perhaps jump. Hehe.. no. Im just going to smoke it all out. And cough <never mind> out of my system.

The Island Journals - Prologue: Back

Wish and wish and wish. Just wish for something you cannot have. Just jump and roll on the sand. You're back on your island. Welcome back. It is smiling at you. A fiendish smile. Like saying that you can never run from it. You are an island. You have accepted that before. Trying to run away from me, are you? Hahaha. You cannot fool yourself forever young man. You and I are one. You made yourself believe that you were out of me, are you? So what are you doing here? Want more crying. Go on. Cry. Cry here. You have nowhere else to go, Bryan. But here with me. Come on, go lie on the sand. Rush to the waves. Let them hit you dumb again. Let them. You can still feel, can you? Why are you such a puzzle? Can't you see? That's the way your life leads. You will be hurt, why are you so stupid that you cannot accept that? Why? Why are you so dumb? Just wake up from your miseries. Masochistic. Throwing yourself at cliffs. Fooling yourself. Stop living in your fantasy world, Harry Potter! Go on, hit your head on the trunk of this tree. Yes. More. Harder. It bleeds doesn't it? It hurts and it feels good. You like to hurt yourself don't you? You want to die, huh? No? Because you cannot feel any more pain? Stupid boy.

So what are you doing here then? Saying goodbye to me? To your fate? Throwing reality aside. Blinding yourself with impossibilities. Don't you understand? Can't you think? For God's sake, use your brain! You're always using your heart. So, yeah, you've realized your mistake? So why are you crying so bitterly? So painfully? You've made a fool of yourself in front of other people. In front of the one you want. You have no more face to show. Now, you're getting angry. Why? Because you are tired of being yourself. Yes, it's hard isn't it? Damned. Cursed. Marked. trying to fit in to the world of people when you cannot. Incapable of fitting in. Why don't you just stop trying to connect to people. Be a hermit. Isolate yourself. You'll only be getting more pain. More tears. Frustrations. Wishes. Why can't you learn to love yourself? Accept who you are.

Fuck me, huh? Hate me? Why? I am just telling the truth. Now do not go on crying here at the internet cafe. Do not bash on the keyboards. Don't smash this monitor. These are not yours. You do not have anyone, do you? Alone. Forever. Asking why others cannot understand. Asking how you can make them understand. Understand how you are in pain right now. I thought you were moving on? Fluff and nonsense. Might be true at that moment. But look at you now. Telling me you are just sad.. There has to be a reason, Bryan. There has to be a reason why you are yourself. Why you are such a.. Enough.

Look at the stars.. They are there. They hurt too when you are hurt. Especially when it is you who is hurting yourself. Try to find a different meaning in your life.. I am not telling you that you will succeed, just try. Try, Bry. Smile. Your home is still the beautiful island it has always been. I am here. I welcome you home, back to me. Cry here, on my shoulder. Yes. Let out all your grief. I am sorry I made you that way. Not everyone can handle that. You are special. One of my special children. Now you have gone away for too long. Come back to me, Bryan. Come back here. I will comfort you. I will help you in that. You have nowhere else to go to. No one will understand you completely except me. Come here, Bryan. Come back home to me, my son. Let it go. Let it go and cry on my shoulder. I understand. I will listen. Even if you cannot always hear my reply.. I am here. I have always been.

I Will Never Forget the Eleventh

I woke up at 9am (I think), and I listened to the CD I made. I called it "Eleven". Because it has only 11 tracks and it was October 11 and because... (figure this last one out). Well, I was having another bout of the blues.. So I decided that I would be using it for a better and more useful purpose. I got up out of bed. And ironed the shirt I had made. It says "CHEM16 TFW2QR2 Ist Sem 05-06" in front and "Excelsior!" at the back. The back message was written in Old English (ala Gwen Stefani), while the front was in a simpler pa-cute font. I ironed it, following the instructions carefully (it was air-sprayed, so it has to be done in quite a different manner) then I ironed my jeans. All done while listening to "Eleven".

Then, i took a bath. There was no timba in the banyo so I had to use the tabo alone. Tin was using the timba, she was doing laundry. I was not feeling very well. I have a slight fever, because the night before, I walked home on a drizzly night without an umbrella. (I'm really not sure about the cause..) Then, I set off for IC. I even forgot the CD so I had to go back. I went straight to PH1201 where LE is proctoring an exam. She told me she won't be able to come with me, but I convinced her otherwise, and we talked about some essential "stuff". I stayed in the office for a while, waiting for the exam to finish. I borrowed her CD player, and I listened once again to "Eleven".

Then, we set off. We took the MRT to go to Megamall and there was a slight embarrassment (courtesy of LE) on our way out of the station. When we arrived at PowerBooks, I wasn't able to see my students straightaway. I even thought they were hiding. There was Adrian, Archar, Marnie, Bianca, and (to my dismay..joke!) Zynka.

We decided to eat lunch at Almon Marina because it was what we first found (just a few steps from PowerBooks) and to try something new. I ordered pasta with salad and sausage. All of us ordered similar meals except for Bianca and Archar (lasagna). We made believe we were in Italy while eating. Midway through our meal, Mama Ren came (with dessert!) from UP (she had her defense). She gave us some cookies they made. Then, my students surprised me by giving me a wonderful photo album (complete with pictures and letters). I glanced at the pictures but did not read the letters yet. I was incoherent for a few moments (because i was touched).

Meal over, off we went to the Ice Skating Rink! Most of us will be skating for the first time (including me). I was a BIT nervous. I put on the skating shoes and found that it was very hard to keep my balance. When I stepped on the rink, I found it was DOUBLY VERY hard not to fall! Anyway, I managed to learn to skate step by step. And I fell more than ten times all in all. We had loads of fun. It was very memorable.. the first time I skated, I was with my favorite students... Anyhow, not everyone (I think) was enjoying. Adrian had many dangerous (and painful) falls. Bianca too.. And Mama Ren.. Almost everyone was hurt at some point. Well, that is life (I thought). It isnt complete without pain.. I liked skating (I can still feel the gliding motion of my legs right now), and I had loads of fun!

Then, we went to the Arcade. We played some games in there. I was with LE most of the time because we were spending (and spent) our tokens on House of the Dead II.

Tired and hungry (it was 4pm) they ate some waffles. I bought some blue cotton candy, and we sat at a table in the food court. There, I gave them a quiz on how well they know me, because I said that I will be giving something personal. Bianca won with 10 points over 15. I gave her the CD and she was really grateful. Little did they know how much that meant to me.. Maybe you will never know, or maybe you already knew, but I was giving away a part of my life in that CD. Don't worry Bianca, I have another copy.. That CD symbolizes so much about things which have happened. Big events in my life - turning points, realizations, outcomes.. Things my class does not know. Or again, maybe you already know.. Please keep it and take care of it... But alas, another surprise. tey gave me another gift. Something wrapped in hand-made wrapper and placed in a hand-made box. I opened it and there was a tie! That was my real first tie. I usually borrow from my dad. Thank you very much! To me, it means something. Something about growth, change, and age. Something about my future..

We skated some more before going up to the 5th floor (using the elevator) to sing! I sang the first song, "Unwell". That fits.. I was.. both physically and emotionally. Mama Ren and Zynka (and LE cge na nga) were videoke queens. Zynka getting madder (and more aggressive) every second. Mama Ren sang "Dreaming Of You", Zynka sang "Weak", Bianca sang Avril's "Why", Archar sang "Out of Reach", Aids sang "Salamat", Marnie sang "Sana'y Wala Nang Wakas", LE sang "Barenaked", and I sang "Paglisan". I was on the point of crying after the first verse, but they made me laugh so it went off. The last song was "Thanks to You" (Was it? Or was the title "Thank You"?). They stood and each sang a part of the song. Of course I cried. I was holding back my tears even when they were singing other songs. I kept on thinking "Will I ever see them again?", and "I wish we could have had more time together" and "Why do we have to let go?" After their song, I wiped away my tears.. I should have let it all out. Now I'm feeling like a dam..

Then we went home (it was almost 9pm). Ive never felt so appreciated yet so sad. I will never forget that day. One by one we went our separate ways.. Bianca and Mama Ren took a bus. Adrian got off at Cubao Station. Marnie was left to find a bus at Quezon Avenue. Archar was left on the van going to Sandiganbayan. Zynka and I had our dinner together at McDonald's Philcoa. I even forgot that it was quite late, and that I wouldn't be able to get my usual dinner if I did not eat right then. Zynka and I rode the tricycle together and we reached her place first. We even said goodbye twice.. I was left alone..

At the boarding house, I opened the photo album. I read the letters. Shit, I wanted to cry! I do not know.. I was just so happy that I was able to touch the lives of these wonderful students and that somehow, I became a part of them.

Sigh.. Will I ever see you all again? I am going to miss teaching all of you! I had a great time teaching you.. I liked being there.. You know what my greates gift for all of you was? It is not the Chem knowledge.. it is not the good times weve had. It is the friendship you have developed with each other. I have made you close friends, and that is something which will last for a long time. Even if it was so short-lived.

We may see each other again, probably. I will still be at UP, and I may roam around the campus occasionally. And there will come a time when we will grow apart.. Yes, that happens.. and we may not have so many words to say to each other. But deep inside, in the sparkle of my eye, there is something which still burns. And that is the memory of the wonderful times we have spent with each other. Something irreplaceable. Memories which I will take with me to my dying day. Exaggerated? Think again. I have made teaching my life. This has been me, and will always be me.

Class, I love you. I miss you. I'm always here.

"Di mo man silip ang langit,
Di mo man silip.. ito'y nandirito pa rin.
Kung ang lahat ay may katapusan,
Itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa paroroonan,
At sa iyong paglisan
Ang tanging pabaon ko
Ay pag-ibig"

Wink! Wink!/ Over

As I look back now at all that I have written here, I felt ashamed. Yeah.. But I won't be deleting the disgraceful entries I have made here. Those are still entries, and they just reflect how I was. How hopeless I was. Now I am just laughing at them. Wanna hear? Ha ha ha HA!

Finally, it is really over. It's like puking after getting drunk. You sober up a bit. Hell hell, I was a mess back then.. But I am loads better now! Chock full of new experiences to ready me for what's to come. What else would come? If it's gonna be more exciting than what happened, I am game! (But a bit scared.. what a rollercoaster life I have! Always dizzy and fast..)

What really will happen next? Who will I meet next? What will happen to me next? I'll be entering another name on the list. Name #5! Who will that be? When will you come? How do you look like? Will I like you or will you like me?

Hey, I've just realized that nobody has courted me yet. Or dated me. I always made the first move. High school (and grade school) doesnt count. Will I be the one picked next time? I wonder how that feels? It has been sooo long... since Melanie P. and code name "Lisa" (from high school) and others which I might have forgotten.. I want to be the one to be chased next. Hehe. But I do not know.. Maybe the chase is a part of why I like falling in love. Then, as LE says, once I get what I have been chasing, the attraction goes away.. I don't know.. Is that really me? LE says that I just want to prove something to myself - that I can have this or have that - then I'm happy. I got what I want, so I let it go..

I don't think that is really me. What happened before were just coincidences. They did not last because I lost it, not because I did not really want them.. I am not that bad. Sigh.. my "issue" is probably the real reason. I wonder how it feels to be normal.. i could have been SO HAPPY already!

But there it goes, I am not normal. So what to do? Just go on living. Hehe. Besides, I get more chances on having a date on a saturday night than normal people have. Hehehe. If you know what I mean..

Wink!

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

How does it feel?
You didn't lie
Got a bad kick
But boys don't cry

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

Time to forget
The shit I've felt
Time to regret
The things I've said

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

What can I do?
I was made this way
Thrown to the blues
But I'll be okay

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
When I'm with you

In One Word/ The Beginning of the End

As promised, here are the one word descriptions of my classes (according to my very sipsip students)..

• exciting (4)



• masaya (3)



• fabulous (2)



• superb (2)



• magical (2)



• funny



• fun-learning



• enjoy



• unforgettable



• happy



• astounding



• fantastic



• astig



• awesome



• great



• addictive



• inspiring



• indescribable

Well, what can I say? Talagang love ako ng mga students ko. Sana naging student ko ikaw 'no? I know inggit ka, you might have had the class of your life! Hahahaha!

My closest class and I are having a gimik this 11th. I am excited and I have a small surprise for them. Yet it will be the beginning of the end. After that, will we be complete again?

Each will now go their separate ways. They will go to their new classes next semester. Some will still be taking chem classes so I might still see them. Some will not. Some I may never see again (UP is just too big). Well, that's how life is..

What about me? What will happen to me? Well, I will still be in my office. Meeting new students, but will they be the same as my closest class? NO. I am trying to hold on to this class because I dont think I will be able to teach another group of such pasaways, boleros, early birds, noisemakers, whiners, etc etc!

Class, this is the beginning of the end.. Haha. I will not be writing anything here. When I meet you na lang on the 11th. When I meet you for the last time...

The Island Journals: Introduction

Hey guys!

Here, i will show you my journal entries. I started writing these one year ago. I had this idea when the annual committee asked us to submit our writeups. I wrote my own, because I thought no one else knows me better than I do. I wrote my writeup like a short story, filled with symbolisms which reflect how I know myself.

That will be the first chapter of my journal. The journal is over, I wrote my last entry last March or April. Why do I want to put those in here? Aren't those private? Well, yeah, they are private, but I do not mind. These journals show how I have changed - how I learned more about myself. Actually, they are all centered around this one topic which I do not reveal until the middle chapters. So the chapters before that are just full of symbols and hints - somehow buffering and preparing you for the big blow.

What is my ultimate purpose in this? I just want to help others out there who might be encountering the same problems I had before. Maybe my entries will be able to offer some answers. Or at the least they may serve as a diversion (as if my entries are funny).  I know it all sounds cliche but I am not the same as you are. My experiences and problems are unique and may not be applicable to everyone. Keep that in mind.

I will start with the second chapter.

Six Feet Under

Why "Six Feet Under"? It is a Marion Raven song that I like right now. I know, some of you might be sniggering because I like her. Well, I admit, her music is not Class A, but I think her album is still a good pop album. Pop, although it is trying to sound like rock..

What's so special about that? Well it is because I dedicate it to this fucking <toot!> who stole my wits! Shit, why I am I like this? Can't I even write something unrelated to that fucking <toot!>?

Six feet under, under my skin/ there's a battle I know I cant win/ you invade me, and I surrender/ yeah, that's what I hate about you/

Six feet under, under my skin/ that is where your story begins/ you were wanting/ i was forsaken/ yeah hey hey hey/

You came to me with words unspoken/ i cant deny it, that i knew my glass would end up broken/ (thats how you got me)/ i blame myself for being stupid, but i cant help it/ yet im eating right out of your hand/ thats what i hate about you!/

Fucking hell, what is happening to me? Joy told me to move on.. But I cant. Well, no, actually I can. Im just having difficulty accepting the fact that I cant have <toot!> and that I am not happy with all that has happened. Haha. What should I have expected? That <toot!> is like me? And that <toot!> feels the same?

No no. <Toot!> doesnt like me one whit. And <toot!> was disappointed we ended up like this. Shitshitshit.. Loads of shit. What have I done?! I destroyed what we have. Truckloads of shit.. What I would give just to have it all back.. Just so we could be friends again.. Shit <toot!>, I miss you a lot! I miss talking to you <toot!>! Please talk to me again. Forget all that has happened, forget the mess that I made. Please I want it all back. Do not worry, what you said wont happen, wont happen. I will not be forcing you into something you are incapable of. I can still be who you thought I was.

Ive already lost my high school best friend like this. I fell in love with her, and she didnt talk to me for YEARS! I dont want THAT to happen AGAIN! No matter how insignificant this might seem compared to that. <Toot!>, I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE A PERSON I CARE ABOUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT RECIPROCATE THE LOVE I AM WILLING TO GIVE!

Whew, why did it turn out to be like this? I did not originally mean this to be a letter to <toot!>. Fuck me.. The love-crazy dumb fool.. Endured so much already yet stricken stupid by <toot!> with <toot!> unaware of what was happening. <Toot!>'s innocence and trust turned awry by what I did.

Ahh here's the bridge line of "Six Feet Under"..

Its not that hard to walk away/ there's gotta be a different meaning.../

There's gotta be a different meaning..