Fine Fine

After two days, I am still not over losing my fone. All I can say is -- shit. But I have to accept it.

This morning I accompanied LE at LTO to get her student driver's license. And along the way, I was talking about that same topic about you-know-who. I am really quite miserable since I lost my fone (I cant help help thinking about what a big loss it was) so I thought I better talk about some things which should make me happier. And so I landed on that topic.

In a way, it was pathetic. I mean, I have said that it was all over and all those... but BUT BUT I cant get it ALL off of my mind. I have nothing else to think about these days. Schools almost on vacation. No text messages for me. No more gimmicks for me. No booze or parties since I lost my fone. Nothing to think about! So there, I cant help thinking and talking about that.

It is sad, really. Sad. So much that I can cry. I am sad not because I was left behind. Im sad because Im still thinking about you-know-who. LE keeps on telling me that I am pathetic. I dont get angry. I get sad because it IS true...

Im not really hoping anymore. Its gone. Everything has been made clear. Im just nourishing that idea of 'what if'. I KNOW it isnt helping at all... but I cant help it. And as Ive said its the only thing that makes me happy now. But Im thinking of an impossible thing, so it will only hurt me more eventually. In the end, I will just get hurt more. Hurt more.

Sometimes I wonder why I am always so sad. Sad since October 4. "It wouldnt hurt so bad if it didnt feel so good." Is something wrong with me? I have a feeling I am overanalyzing things. Why do some people - some with heavier problems than I have - dont blog like I do? Are you all safe and snug inside your own persons? Dont you have issues you want to talk about? Dont you have these kind of pains and sufferings? How do you handle them? Am I the only one like this? Am I not right in the head?

Anyway, back to what happened this morning. When we were on our way back to UP, LE told me something about letting people go if you really love them. I was quiet for some time after she said that. Dont I love you-know-who that much? Cant I let go?

I had a sudden image of myself holding you-know-who and letting go. Letting go for good. I imagined you-know-who looking back at me, looking happier, and walking away out of my sight forever. Forever indeed. I can do that, but it will hurt me loads.

Perhaps I really need to let go. But do I have to let go now? Now when I have lost most of the things which make me happy these days? (There are some other things I lost which I did not mention here in my blog.) At this low point in my life?

It gets hard, sometimes... I do wish that Joy was still at the boarding house. I need someone to talk to. I need a shoulder to cry on. I really need to accept to myself that you-know-who is really gone. And that things are better as they are at present.

Really? This is better? I could have been SO happy with you-know-who. So happy. I have so much love to give! So much! And its all going to waste! Guys, you dont know how deep I can love. When I really love someone I can go to all lengths just to show it. All this nice feeling inside me going to the drain. Going to the drain when its draining me empty too.

This miserable state I am in now is better? Shit! This is shit! But I have to accept these things. I have to accept that I lost my fone - my favorite thing in the world - to someone evil. I lost it without a fight. Without it lasting for a month. All the memories I have attached to it. All gone! Gone!

I have to accept that you-know-who can never be with me. I have to give up. Give it all up. Give my dreaming up. It is over. No more contacts. Not even friendship. Nothing! Nothing left of us. Not even memories. All is to be forgotten.

I cant take this. This is too hard for me.

(After a few minutes..)

I lost the momentum. I was talking about..? Oh that. Okay then I will try to accept my losses. Geez I was talking about this serious shit again. Fine fine. I will try to be fine. Check out this song...

you are an obsession i cannot sleep
i am a posession that you feed
theres no balance no equality
but still i will not except defeat

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way, and i will have you
like a butterfly, a wild butterfly

i will collect you and capture you
you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

i feed you i drink you my day and my night
i need you i need you by sun or candlelight
you protest, you wanna leavelike a butterfly oh a butterfly
i will collect you and capture you
stay oh theres no alternative

love is a bit of skin
i see the beauty there
but i see danger, stranger beware
a circumstance in your naked dreams
you reflection is not what it seems

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

my fantasy has turned to madness
and all my goodness has turned to badness
my need to possess you has consumed my soul
my life is trembling i have no control

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way and i will have you
like a butterfly a wild butterfly
i will collect you and capture you

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me