A Kiss

It was dark everywhere but this place was all about the lights.

And you were pulling me closer but I was trying to catch his eye and still you went on and I knew that you didn't know how terribly convoluted the situation was. Oh, you have no idea. No fucking idea. But it was all just for fun so I tried to have fun though I'm not sure if he was having any.

Then you turned me around and made me face someone else and I thought this guy seemed okay and maybe we'll have a little kiss. Maybe he'll take me home and maybe we'll even have breakfast together, but I just hate the coldness after. I've never been good at handling that. But then what's a kiss worth these days can you tell me? What's sex worth these days when you can go grab any that you fancy and in that place it was forgivable? It was even expected. A kiss. Just a kiss. What's it worth these days?

And I know it would have been cool. Perhaps it would have felt exciting not to be a wallflower for once but I... I've never mastered that art you see. I lose something whenever I try and I've tried so much I'm now as dry as a husk but you have no idea since we just met so I do nothing except look. I keep scanning the crowd but I don't see my baby there so I do nothing. I look for him there you see. I keep looking for him. I keep thinking one day I'll see him there and maybe we'll kiss and maybe he'll finally take me back home. He was my home, you see. At least, he used to be.

But then you pulled me back again so my thoughts pulled back too and I faced you and then I looked at his face and I saw you looking at each other and I thought maybe you'd kiss and there was this small part of me protesting at the idea but I killed it because I do what's right.

But what's a kiss worth these days can you tell me? What's a harmless kiss' worth? A bellyful of saliva? A nip on the lip? A slimy tongue exercise on learning how deep one can go?

For me a kiss is worth a dream. It's less of an action and more of a reaction. A decision. A kiss is coming home. And I know that at this unholy age I'm much too fucked up by life already but I hold on to these silly things all the same. They laugh at me because of this I know. They roll their eyes and smirk but I have to keep some of my old self intact if I were to go on living.

And everywhere it was dark, but it was all about the lights and I saw brief multi-colored glimpses of everyone's faces and in those fleeting snapshots I saw that we didn't really look drunk. We looked lost. And that darkness - it made the distance between us greater than what it really was as if we're planets drifting in space. And even if some of us were already glued through the mouths there were still the shadows in between. So dark. So lost. So we dance. And we look up at the blinking lights as if they were stars, wishing for that one special kiss to bring us home.