Along the Vein

I've done two very pivotal things in the span of a few weeks. First, I tried to kill myself. And when that failed, I ran away. Of course, you wouldn't expect that it's an easy feat recovering from that state of mind I was in when I decided to commit suicide. I understand now that it never really fades away. I feel like I'm a profoundly different man now. People may see me as back to normal, but of course, I'm only acting for their sake. I've worried too many people as it is so I think it's best to pretend that I'm okay now. I can show them the scars on my wrist, but the deeper ones (and those that matter) are within.

I try to make light of it when I talk about it with my students. But deep inside I find myself still curiously afraid of what I tried to do. Normally, the fear should have come first before the attempt. But when I had that knife ready against my wrist I was feeling strangely calm. I wasn't hysterical. I wasn't even crying, even when it became so painful I had to close my eyes. I deliberately kept my mind blank as I repeatedly traced that knife along my vein. I didn't think of my future. I didn't think of my friends. I suppose that though the act itself failed, I was successful in readying myself for it. And in a twisted way, I am proud of myself for that. My friends know that this has been running 'round my head for years now, and they shouldn't be surprised when I actually went ahead and did it. They should've known it was only a matter of time.

At the moment, I am hard-pressed in trying to explain to you my reasons for doing it. All I know for sure is that it isn't as simple as you might think. It is mostly philosophical in nature though. I've probably been thinking and reading too much and I've been left to myself for too long without anyone to talk to. But all I know for sure was when I did it, I felt like it was my time to go. I have been feeling like it was my time to die for many months now actually. And there are moments when that notion becomes so strong that at times, I feel like I'm a dead man walking.

You may have noticed that I never warned anyone about it. I understood that if I went ahead with writing notes to my loved ones I'd probably lose my nerve. I tried not to think about anything at all, really. Nothing else was on my mind but the deed. Nothing else.

I don't really understand it though, why I have this urge and why others don't. It may be partly genetic, for all I know. It is true that wasn't really feeling happy the past few months. But I wasn't feeling miserable either. I was simply numb. Maybe perhaps that absence of feeling was what allowed me to do it. As I've figured out years ago, you have to turn both your mind and your feelings off if you want to kill yourself. Unless you want to go out in a rage or in a passion, which apparently, isn't my style.

Looking back, I see now that there aren't really a lot of feelings involved when I got in this state. It's like doing a calculation. I'm simply following what the answer says that's all. It's almost completely logical. I did not have to like it or to hate it. It simply is. The psychologists and the philosophers out there can explain it better than I do. I've read their thoughts on it, and some of them got my case right.

This suicide attempt and this running away - these are all part of my plan (except for not being able to anticipate I'd fail in the former.) And yes, I know that in the real world I'm not exactly known for planning anything about my life and that is still true. I don't have any plans at all about my material future. But this plan I'm talking about is in finding out who and what I really am. I'm on this quest to answer life's most basic questions which most of you might be taking for granted if you're not completely ignoring them. I understand that most of you are preoccupied with real things like studying or working to have time to even acknowledge these uncomfortable questions and I respect that you chose to live that way. This is simply part of the path I've decided to take. So in a way, no matter how lost I may appear to outsiders, I actually still know what I'm doing. I have a good plan. Even if that plan includes my own annihilation.

I understand that the people who care most about me are scrambling for solutions. They keep showing me how much they care. Now more than ever. They help me in listing down my options. They remind me of why choosing to live is much better. I appreciate their efforts. I truly do. And I go along with them because I care for them and I want to keep them happy. But you see, until I see this issue as a problem, I'm not sure if I can completely commit myself to recovery. Because as I've said, I don't see this as being completely under my control. I'm not doing this for attention. I'm not doing this because I want to feel loved. This is simply what must be.