Once (You Go Gay)

Once, I was a normal guy (or I could have passed as one).

Once, I was a normal guy. You can see me walking around the mall or the streets of KNL, holding a girl's hand. Looking happy. Feeling happy.

Once, I was a normal guy. Having what a very lucky guy should - a girlfriend who loved me with all her heart. All my life, I never thought I'd ever get a girlfriend. But there she was, despite the barriers (and barriers they really were), we've made it through. And there she was, holding my hand. With me.

We used to share this house. We used to do almost everything together. Twenty four hours a day. Seven days a week. We were together. What more can an imperfect guy like me ask for?

Completeness.

Freedom to get to know myself.

And she gave me just that. No matter how it might have hurt her.

A few months later, I had my first boyfriend. She got her new guy a few months after.

Now people ask me, what's the difference between having a relationship with a guy and with a girl?

Between kissing a guy and kissing a girl?

Do you miss her? How does it feel looking back at what you've given up?

***

Once, I was given the chance to live a normal life. I was given what I was asking for all my teenage life - to belong and live a normal life. To find a girl. To marry. To have children. To love. All my internal struggles (I thought) answered.

Once, I was given that chance.

And now, I have a boyfriend.

I exchanged a normal love for a love which has to be hidden.

I exchanged "holding hands while walking" to holding hands under the covers, the curtains closed.

I exchanged a church-approved, family-approved, society-approved, friends-approved relationship with something my boyfriend's family isn't even aware of.

I exchanged a normal life with something... less normal.

But I was right in my decision, because I did get what I was asking for.

Because a normal life isn't necessarily a heterosexual's life - it's a life without pretensions. I am free to be me. I am free of the necessary self-control I imposed upon myself while I was with her.

Because I can still marry (somewhere else), and I can still have children.

Because with my inner completeness, I can finally love with all of my heart. I've been there, done that. I know where I stand, and I stand with my boyfriend. My husband. My wife (ok lang daw sa kanya). My everything. Some people may look askance at us but I'll still stand with him. I'll stand with my decision.

And why shoudn't I? I've never been this happy before.

It's true what they say:

"Once you go gay...

You'll want to stay."