Vulnerable

"Hug"

"Ewan ko"

I put my fone down and frowned.

I remembered how I was always the one to start our conversations - that you wouldn't text me until I texted you first. I remembered how I was always the one to keep it going - that without me putting in topics, the conversation will inevitably fall apart because of your monosyllabic replies.

I remembered that, even if I have a new fone now, you never seemed to greet me one single "good morning" or "hello" or "hi i miss you" without me texting you first.

I remembered our role-playing games or when we're talking about other make-believe stuff, and how, most of the time, you'll give up because you'll say that you can't think of anything else to say. And how you saying that will often cause something inside me to flare up because it has always been that way ever since and I was frustrated why, for once, you can't try and think a little bit harder of what next to say.

I remembered how you used to make me wait. That you didn't seem to care how much time I've spent doing nothing but wait, and that when you did come, you'd be off with me in a hurry, and I wouldn't blame you because for me, it was immediately okay just seeing you finally there, but still in the back of my mind, there's the thought that you did take your time knowing that I was waiting...

And I remembered how I had to really talk to you, how I wanted to make you understand before you can say "I love you" to me personally for the first time...

And I also remembered how I had to really convince you to spend some time with me in that place, and how you used to say no without explaining why. That you will say no despite how I'm pleading with you, and still you won't tell me reasons except that you don't want to. Just that. And how you'll always think about it as just sex, and you never seem to get the concept that it's making love and that it's not a bad thing.

I remembered the many times I've shouted our love to the world - with my yucky friendster picture saying "I love my baby", with my endless blogs and music albums, and I wondered why I never had a single "love blog" from you although you've written me some really painful "hate blogs". I wondered how come you can't do those things to me.

And I remembered how you've never read "The Count's Tale" and I knew that it was a small thing actually but that it would have pleased me much if you took the time to at least read the story I wrote especially now when you're spending more time on the internet at home. I thought that maybe you would remember because I was really proud of that, but then you didn't because it was too lengthy and it will be a hassle to look it up since I've written it a long time ago.

And I remembered how you walked away from me this afternoon. How surprised I was running after you when all I said was let's hurry up because I have a class. How I still followed you and you never looked back at me and how you never apologized for that.

So many things I can remember when we're like this. So many bad feelings coming out that it's easy to forget the most essential thing.

I forgot that you love me.