A Place to Cry

I opened the door. He was late. He took a shower while I hugged myself as I sat on the bed. The room was cold. I sat and watched the morning news while I waited some more.

Minutes passed and I was already on him. And as I was hugging him tighter as I drew near, I shuddered. Because I found myself sobbing on his shoulder.

I hugged him, and made believe that he was mine. I made myself believe I have someone to cling to through all these major changes in my life. I hugged him and made myself believe that I have someone I can reliably lean on during these moments when I can't bear it anymore. People see me doing fine. People see me taking it well. But what they don't know is that I've always been on the verge of tears these past few weeks.

I've barely known him but I hugged him and cried quietly, and made myself believe that he wants me to feel better as his hands stroked my back. At least for those few seconds, I felt I was not alone in all these new things.

We went out of the building together but when I turned, he was walking quickly in the other direction. He didn't even say goodbye. I wasn't surprised. And so I embraced the morning sun on my own. My brief moment of make-believe has ended.

And as I walked farther away from him, I convinced myself that it was time to face the truth that I am on my own in this. That I have no one to lean to, to cling to when I'm so very afraid of all these leavetakings. I don't have my parents anymore. I can't tell my friends every single one of my woes. I have no choice but to get through this all alone. I have no choice but to stay strong, never mind that in reality, I'm nothing but a fragile bundle of nerves.

All I want is for someone to hold my hand. All I want is to be assured. All I want is, even for a moment, to be comforted. All I want is for someone to take these burdens off me, until I can recover.

I strode up the pedestrian overpass and wondered how my legs can even keep me up.